Once upon a snowy night, I had a threesome.

It was the stuff of dreams, and so long ago I only remember pieces. Embraces here, sighs there, hands on the crook of my hip, all followed by myriad feelings and ah-ha moments I’m still grateful for – freedom, shared self-respect, joyful consent, and a deep recognition of human beauty which surpassed anything I’d felt before. I’ve grappled with how to say this for years, probably because I’ve feared the shame of sharing, but truth be told the experience made me better! I became a better lover, more compassionate to myself, and more empathetic to the love other couples share in and out of the bedroom. This recognition of beauty opened my eyes to the intangible energy of beauty that exists within us all. So if you’re curious about whether or not a threesome is right for you, Trystology is here to help!

Now, is everyone’s first intimate, multi-person experience like this example? No, and that’s exactly why we’re using it to kick off this March 3rd, National Threesome Day! (And if you cocked your head to the side reading ‘National Threesome Day,’ yes, it’s a real thing and we didn’t make it up!) There’s a lot to demystify when it comes to the world of multi-person play of any kind. So in light of the day, Trystology is here to hopefully give you helpful tools to navigate turning this fantasy into reality, realistically! 

I think it’s only responsible to include a disclaimer here:

Having threesomes does not make you better or worse at sex, more or less experienced, and certainly not more or less sexy! It’s simply an experience we can choose to take part in, or not! No one moment in any of our lives define us. A close friend reminded me just today that life is a long, complicated journey, taking many twists and turns, highways and detours. The whole painting makes us who we are, and we’re always free to add more paint! So please, read responsibly. Here at Trystology we value sex positivity in all its expressions, and believe us, it’s a vast spectrum! Our goal is making you feel safe, sexy, confident, and beautiful within the skin, heart and mind you inhabit. Do you need a threesome to get there? Absolutely not! But if you feel a threesome is right for you, read on!

Ah – one more thing. Yes, Trystology is full of sex educators of all kinds, but we’re just humans striving to live life on our terms the very best we can. This comes from a few perspectives, and doesn’t claim to speak truth to everyone. Take what resonates and leave the rest! YOU know you best! 

Alright, let’s dive in… what is a threesome?!

I wish I could provide a clear cut answer to this question, but the truth is, I can’t. I don’t mean to disappoint, but here’s why. Yes, we can agree the term threesome involves three consenting individuals, but does this necessarily mean nudity or intercourse? Well, no. As we begin exploring dream threesomes, I think it’s important to acknowledge that multi-person play can happen in a variety of ways.

In her book The Ultimate Guide to Threesomes, Stella Harris writes that especially if it’s your first threesome, “it can be a great idea to start small. There doesn’t need to be nudity or genitally focused sex acts for a threesome to be fun.”

She makes a great point here! Our seasoned readers know all too well that true intimacy surpasses the physical act of sex! It involves establishing safety and trust, knowing our bodies, setting our boundaries, and establishing great communication to truly allow ourselves the brain space to receive pleasure. Can a threesome include all parties participating in intercourse? Yes, but couldn’t it also manifest as an intimate massage? Snuggling? Strip games, or simply making out? Yes, yes, yes, and yes!

The Safety of the Set Up

It’s always first, isn’t it? The fact is this can be a really big decision requiring planning and patience, but can also happen on a whim! And even though many of our fantasies include this out-of-the blue rendezvous, we are here to inform you that the random hook-up is rare, people! It just is. I think many people feel that if there’s too much planning involved the sexiness fades, when that certainly doesn’t have to be true! Where there’s a will, there’s a way, so trust your gut. Here’s how we recommend doing this safely.

First, communication is key.

There are lot of reasons to have a threesome, and many reasons not to, so please marinate on this for a while. Some great reasons to seek a threesome could include living out fantasies, trying something new with a partner or friend, meeting new people intimately, or even confronting jealousy or possessiveness! However, threesomes can’t fix what may feel like a broken relationship, and should never be used as a form of revenge. Our sexuality is precious, and when we are injured or injure others within this realm, the hurt resonates deeply and can carry on for many years. When done with integrity, the joy can last for just as long. Our tip? Make sure you’re sound in your decision and that all parties involved are game.

Second, allow yourself to trust everyone involved.

Here in 2022, there are many great sites to plan hook-ups like Adult Friend Finder, Fet Life, and 3Fun, or you could party with people you already know! However, when seeking your dream threesome, ask the questions that are most important to you while allowing others to do the same. What do I mean? I’m so glad you asked! Let’s say you’re in a relationship and looking for a third to horizontal hokey-pokey. Are you okay with your partner kissing someone else? What is their comfortability with you doing the same? Are you looking to invite a man, a woman, or someone non-binary? Which positions have you pictured in your fantasies? Knowing what’s comfortable and what isn’t is vitally important here!

If you’re single, how do you see the threesome of your dreams? Do you want to know these people after the deed, or are you simply looking for the experience by itself? Get specific! Write it all down! And let yourself fantasize! I’ve said for years that sex is wonderfully weird. I’ve had some straaaange sex dreams that left me waking up, craving pizza. All I’m saying is the flow of our thoughts is unpredictable at best, but very informative! Listen and tune into yourself to find what works for you without shame or guilt!

Last, use protection and don’t feel weird asking potential partners about their sexual health.

There are ways to conduct these conversations with kindness. You could start by opening up about your own sexual health, and go from there! We feel comfortable speaking about our health in every other way! The truth is, stigmas surrounding sexual health keep people in cycles of either catching STI’s or judging others who have them all because they lack good information. Save yourself the stress – ask and share.

Minding Manners

Believe it or not, this topic is so incredibly vast, multiple thick books and articles have been written about it. This is just one more in a wide sea of information, and we still highly suggest reading from some pros, like Stella Harris! That said, let’s talk etiquette. And guess what… we’re talking about honesty and boundaries!

Yes, lovers, your honesty is an aspect of basic politeness.

In order to achieve the threesome of your dreams, honesty is crucial. How can you expect honesty from a group if you’re not showing up honestly yourself? Every successful threesome story I’ve heard involves all people getting their needs met, and that doesn’t happen by magic. Discussing our needs, fantasies, hard yeses and clear no’s can play into the sexiness and success of great threesomes! Also, whatever boundaries you and your partners set need to be respected at all times. Everyone’s major is sex organ is their big, juicy brain. If that brain doesn’t feel safe or respected, it’s a no-O-go! (See what I did there?)

The greatest joys of threesomes come when all involved are comfortable and relaxed! Provide snacks and beverages, negotiate how to take breaks, and make comfortable space! This extra time and courtesy can yield true partnered ecstasy, great orgasms, and maybe some great snuggled sleep! Like anything else, if you’re hosting, we urge you to be a good host! If you’re a guest, be a great guest! Some light food, beverages, and great music are great ingredients to get the night going.

Lastly, should we expect the threesome to be perfect?

Should we expect to have the greatest orgasm ever, and if we don’t, deem the experience a huge mistake? No. When we start discussing multi-person play, I personally believe we should emphasize sensuality over overt sexuality. There’s an element of trial and error to any first intimate encounter, so of course there will be when another person is added to the mix. Whether we’re talking sweet caressing or steamy, more time-consuming BDSM, a threesome can be quite the experience! We should feel free to revel in all parts of it. Feel each other. Luxuriate in each other by recognizing that you are a part of beauty itself. Then joyfully recognize, so are they.

Do Unicorns Exist in Real Life?

Yes they do! This guy may not be the usual suspect, but who knows! Stella Harris defines unicorns like this: “Generally, any third in a threesome scenario. Initially coined to refer to an attractive bisexual woman who would join a couple to fulfill their fantasies while not having needs of her own, and who would then go her own way. Termed unicorn because such people don’t exist.” A lot to unpack here, but this definition gives us a lot of important information to go off of.

Unicorns are people with needs too!

I think it’s important Harris defined unicorn in this way. Many seeking a dream threesome as a couple think their unicorns won’t have needs of their own, or that their role is limited to giving the couple the pleasure they crave. Consent reigns as the ruler of all sexual encounters, and a threesome is no different. Everyone is there, everyone deserves the pleasure of the moment! Fair, right? Right. Now, are all unicorns looking for an orgasm? Not necessarily. Just like threesomes are difficult to clearly define, the roles of unicorns can be too. Really, it’s whatever consenting adults agree to.

Another important point – do all threesomes have a unicorn? NO! Sometimes three people can just agree to have a great time! I think the name of the threesome game is expanding your view of sexuality, and enjoying the ride!

So how did my snowy night end?

Wonderfully, all because of how it began. I was blessed to have amazing partners who ensured comfortability, respect, sensuality, and safety. By the time we were finished, we all giggled and snuggled sweetly. I can’t speak for them, but the threesome almost felt like an out of body experience. It was as if we were dancing in the stars. Was it hot? Hell yes! I didn’t worry about my imperfections once, which came as a shock. Deep down, I still thought I had to be enough for good sex, or to even be considered attractive. I compared myself to every person I considered beautiful, and always felt just out of reach. Almost enough, but not quite. I didn’t yet realize great intimacy could be available to everyone! Two incredible human beings changed that for me. I’m thankful for their gorgeous selves and souls to this day. Their support, sweetness, and loving willingness to play actually changed my life. Since that night I have loved my body and spirit more by judging them less. You know who you are, and I will never forget you. I send you silent smiles often and hope you receive them, only to find yourselves smiling out of the blue.

Good luck out there, lovers! We at Trystology wish you safety, joy, acceptance, beauty and a very Happy National Threesome Day! Something to note – other than defining the term unicorn, this article was intentionally written to be genderless. The threesome of your dreams won’t be the same as others, but we all experience intimacy, touch, arousal and fantasy. May we all revel in the skin we’re in! Period!

Curious about what else we’re up to? Follow us on Instagram! @Trystology