Below is an email I sent out in late February 2024 for International Women’s Day, but since I never posted it to this blog, AND since the post is still valid and important, I wanted to reiterate its message.
As I woke up in the wee hours of the morning, which I’m prone to do lately, I couldn’t help thinking about Trystology and the significance of this month, especially with International Women’s Day approaching on March 8th. In these uncertain times, it feels more imperative than ever to celebrate and uplift women. As the International Women’s Day website aptly states, “when women themselves are inspired to be included, there’s a sense of belonging, relevance, and empowerment.”
From its inception 15 years ago, Trystology has been dedicated to the cause of Women’s Empowerment. This manifests differently for each of us, but at its core, it’s about elevating women and empowering them to assert what rightfully belongs to them: their bodies, their choices, their consent, and yes, their orgasms. I know, I know, I often steer the conversation back to orgasms, but it’s an undeniable aspect of our autonomy—our right to Own Our Orgasms!
Yesterday, as I sifted through my emails in search of updates on our favorite Bitches Against Bullshit t-shirts, a shocking discovery gave me pause. The owner of the company had become the target of harassment and shame for her unabashed and, in my opinion, brilliant social commentary. Lacey, with her unapologetic and mischievous flair, fearlessly speaks her truth. From the limited edition “Not Today, Mansplainer” Infused With “The Well-Earned Confidence of Free-Thinking Women Everywhere” to “Beach Please, I’M A MOTHERF’N MERMAID” and “All the Fucks,” Lacey and the Malicious Women Candle Company have won our hearts! Yet, despite her success, Lacey, like many of us navigating the tumultuous tides of 2023, almost lost her business due to the haters.
This International Women’s Day, let’s uplift women like Lacey who boldly speak their truth and refuse to be silenced. I am grateful for her refusal to succumb to the stifling dictates of conformity, advice be damned! I urge you to read her latest blog, “Dystopian Hellscapes: The War on Women,” a poignant reflection on the state of women’s rights in the United States.
As we commemorate International Women’s Day on March 8th, the theme of “Inspire Inclusion” resonates deeply within us. It beckons us to champion the inclusion of women and girls in every facet of life—be it leadership, education, or economic empowerment. Let’s pledge to foster a culture of understanding, value, and inclusion for women at both the individual and organizational levels. And as we embark on this journey of empowerment, let’s not forget the power of affirmations. On March 10th, let’s continue our empowerment journey with affirmations of self-love and worthiness. Embracing the powerful words “I AM” serves as a testament to every woman’s uniqueness, worthiness, and right to empowerment. Together, let’s forge a more inclusive world where every woman feels valued, heard, and empowered to thrive.
The AMAZING thing about this post was that I couldn’t know then that we would not be receiving any shipments of the Bitches Against Bullshit shirts in the coming months. Shirts that we had been sporting for the past few years… and that my customers started asking me daily “When are you going to get the shirts back in stock… I had no answer. They were SOLD OUT, and I wasn’t able to order them. Then in late August, when we had again had our 5th customer come in for the week… I wrote to Malicious Women and asked them “Can you help a girl out?” I told her “My customers are “bitches against bullshit”. We have an attitude, and love empowerment. And in this world we live in right now, this message NEEDS to get out!”
You won’t believe this, but Lacie, the owner, called me!
We are now the ONLY other store besides the Malicious Women Candle Company in Sonomish Washington who carry these AMAZING shirts, caps and candles! For this I am so grateful, as I’m so happy to be a purveyor of maliciousness to empower women to be Bitches Against Bullshit!
Roylin and Ryan in 2015 at the International Lingerie Show with Womanizer Air Pleasure Technology
Click on image to view Video
Because at Trystology, it’s not just a toy, it’s a relationship!
So many of you may be wondering “what’s the big deal”!?! Why would you want to Celebrate (emoji) Air suction Toys?!? When I was first introduced to the Womanizer… and then, as now, I hated the name! Though I understand that since it was born in Germany, the original name translated to “Casanova”… which would have been okay! LOL… but when Ryan introduced the air suction concept to me… and he and his business partner… both men… said it would give a woman an orgasm in 1-3 minutes, you have to understand that I was skeptical. Like you, I thought… REALLY?!?! I even think I asked them “how does it work on your clitoris?” They offered me a sample and the rest is history! It’s truly a special concept, that is worth celebrating… because when a toy like this works for you, it becomes part of your “relationship”! LOL ❤️ 😊
In the video I include here, I interview Ryan about the original Womanizer, and suggested that at Trystology, we would call it the “Kiss me there”. I told him “I had it on good authority, that the Womanizer worked. Afterwards, my husband asked me “It’s not fair that you tell them that the toy works, when you only used it that one time…”. I sheepishly smirked at him and told him I hadn’t JUST used it that one time when he knew I tested it. But I had tried it when he was brushing his teeth, and again when he was in the shower… and this morning before we came to the Trade show to do this interview! LOL… Yes, I did have it on “good authority” that it did in fact work… in 1-3 min!
Original Womanizer Tools
Womanizer Plus from 2016Womanizer Womanizer W500
So NINE YEARS!!! That’s truly something to celebrate! Having been in business 14 years, knowing that more than 2/3 of my time I have sold Womanizer and air suction oriented toys, is AMAZING! The toy, for the most part, has been such a universal toy, that most women, and those with clitoris’ have enjoyed the remarkable effectiveness of Air Suction Toys. There have been many a day when women come in to the store and say they’ve had challenges with being able to achieve an orgasm… and I point them in the direction of the Womanizer, and the Zumio… (that will be a different blog, but it’s coming!) One woman left with both… as many do, and called me 20 min later, after she arrived home, and said she wasn’t broken!!! She’d had her first orgasm in 6 months!!! She was elated! Another called me from the Mid-West, and asked me about the Womanizer Premium, but since she was having a procedure, and couldn’t have an orgasm, she wanted me to wait to send it. When I finally did, a few days later I received a call from her asking how to turn it off! I laughed after we hung up as I realized she had just received it and tried it! Made me smile!
The thing is… when orgasms can be so elusive to some women, it’s amazing when a tool like Womanizer, Satisfyer, Lelo or We-Vibe can give an individual an orgasm in 1-3 minutes, it’s truly something to Celebrate! (Emoji). I like to explain to people that the definition of an orgasm is “an involuntary response”, and that’s kind of how the Womanizer and other air suction tools work. They can be placed over the clitoris and they will do their thing… flickering air, and suction, and for a bit you might feel like “hmmm… not sure this is going to work”… and then all of the sudden, BAM! It happens… it’s not something we can will to happen. It just happens. And that’s why I recommend toys that have a drop sensation, or you can turn off immediately, or else you might throw that toy across the room. LOL 😝
Roylin and Ryan at the Womanizer Booth in 2017 at ANME Trade show
Click on Image to view video
Over the years, there have been a broad selection of toys that are marketed as “air suction tools”… so what exactly are Air Suction tools, you might ask? They have been marketed as tools that replicate “oral sex”. So to ME… they are subtle and gentle, with the flickering of the air replicating a tongue action, and the slight suction one receives during oral sex. DISCLAIMER: NOT ALL AIR SUCTION TOYS SEE IT THE SAME WAY! Ugh! 😩 So that is why Trystology and I have been VERY selective about bringing in air suction tools, as I don’t want anyone to “get hurt!”. LOL (emoji). I have had to test a number of tools that are not so subtle, and in fact felt that they could be too strong! And those tools have been from some very well known brands… which I will not name. Just know, that if I am not carrying it, there might be a reason… please feel free to reach out to me if you have any questions about that!
What do I tell couples and women who are looking at the air suction tools? Like all toys, I tell them not all air suction is created equal, and show them the difference between the flickering of the Womanizer Premium, which is more pronounced and deliberate, with its adjustability of the sensation, with the stronger, more assertive We-Vibe XXXX. I share with them how the Satisfyer Pro is a lower price point, but can be just as viable and effective as the Womanizer Premium, if they don’t mind that it’s got a different flicker, and I can show them how to utilize the unique On/Off switch to mimic the drop sensation of the Womanizer Premium and Duo. But mostly I tell them, that at some point, they really should try one! There’s really nothing like the sensation…
Newer Womanizer Pleasure Air Tools
Womanizer Duo 2Womanizer EcoWomanizer DuoWomanizer LibertyWomanizer Premium
Now, I know, not all people believe that they’d like it. They don’t think they need a toy like this… and that’s okay. But I also challenge them to try it. 5 times… not just one time. As our brain is our biggest sex organ, and depending on how your day went, depending on how stressed, or distracted you were, you might just not be in the “headspace” for that tool at that time. I had an employee who took home the Womanize Pro 100 I believe it was called. Beautiful Rose decorated version. She said “Eh… not sure it was anything special”… didn’t work. She gave it to you best friend, who sung its praises to the rooftops, and she had to buy another one just to “revisit it”. That product has been discontinued for years, but she’s such an avid fan for THAT particular toy, that I make sure if I find one, I send it her way!
So after all that, you can see why I, and Trystology, really feel strongly that we would like to celebrate Womanizer, and Air Suction Technology! We are so committed to this that we will have a Birthday Party for Womanizer… the champion who started it all… and have invited Ryan to Trystology, to celebrate the 11 years… He’s no longer part of the Womanizer family, but he’ll always be part of Trystology family! Unfortunately he won’t be able to join us, but we’ve decided to have the party still! So Please feel free to join us on Sunday November 5th, 2023 for champagne and cake to celebrate the history of Pleasure Air Technology and the lasting legacy of air suction tools!
Other Air Suction Technology Brands – Satisfyer & Zalo
Satisfyer One Night StandSatisfyer Pro 2 VibrationSatisfyer Pro 2 Vibration V3Satisfyer PenguinSatisfyer DeluxeZalo UnicornGolden Moments Kit with Womanizer Premium and We-Vibe Chorus
Remember, we have a philosophy of “an orgasm a day”… so whether it takes 1-3 minutes, as the air suction tools do, or you invest in a 30-50 min session with your partner… we don’t care. We just want you to have one!
Happy Birthday 🎂 🎈 Womanizer! We celebrate 🎉 🎊 you!
Trystologists – Welcome back to this week’s freaky edition of ‘Female Fellacio,’ with a side of cake! That’s right – April 14th was Cake and Cunnilingus Day, so we’re discussing oral pleasure: for her! We know we’re a little late to the party, but like an extended birthday, we’re offering some deals this week, along with invitations to a special in-store class! (Interested?!?)
First – what is this holiday, and why?! – April 14 was Cake and Cunnilingus Day, the collective ‘feminine flagship’ response to March 14th’s Steak and a Blow Job Day. These all land on the 14th of the month, since Steak and a Blow Job Day exists in response to Valentine’s Day. I’ve said it before, I’m sure you have too.
“People really like sex and oral sex.”
So I think this may just be another excuse to lick our lips mid-month 😉
“I’ll lick your lips.”
Calm down, we’re getting there!
Full disclosure, this article has been more difficult to write than writing and teaching a class aboutgiving oral pleasure to men.
As a receiver of female fellacio, I can only speak to my personal experience – and it’s been rocky!
As a woman, have I enjoyed oral pleasure? Yes, absolutely!
Did that experience come for free?!
NO!
In my youth, I couldn’t fathom there were men in the world who loved giving oral to women! For some reason, it made me feel apologetic, insecure, exposed… looking back, it gave me pretty severe anxiety! (I’ll add here how grateful I am to men who helped me overcome this. If you’re ever reading this, I deeply thank you.)
Sometimes I felt in charge, other times I felt I was being intimately taken charge of (not sure how to explain this, or if I’m alone here), but when I really boiled things down, I was facing my greatest, personal fear.
Asking for what I wanted.
And when it comes to any of our orgasms, we as individuals have to advocate for ourselves.
Bringing us to our first important point:
Fake it ’till you make it does not apply to female fellacio, ya goose!
It actually doesn’t belong in intimacy at all!
We understand, folks. Any kind of sex is vulnerable, and nearly half of the population feels oral is more intimate than intercourse itself.
For some of us, the idea of our loved one covered in a face-full of bits can feel intimidating and exposing all by itself, never mind then mustering the courage to instruct someone how to do it?!
Well Hear Ye, Hear Ye! – Sometimes we all struggle with asking for what we want! And sure, this goes for everyone, not just we vulva-handlers. The only way to get around this, however, is by:
***asking for what you want, already!***
We know that sounded harsh, so let’s soften the blow.
These fears can stem from a lot of stuff… Traumas? Yup. Patterns of broken expectations? Mmm hmm. Religious beliefs, or prior rejections? Yes and yes.
Well, on Cake and Cunnilingus Day, (or April, as far as we’re concerning) we’re lifting the veil on this thinking! Because that part – daring to dream? To reach for the stars?! To ask for what you desire?!
You should never give up on that. And you shouldn’t fake the pleasure in your life…
Never, ever.
Since our core behaviors permeate multiple areas of our lives, let’s practice asking for what we want by starting with oral sex.
Sound good?
How many licks does it take?
Great question! So let’s dive in 😉
Note to the reader:
This article is written in two parts – instructional advice for the giver, and the receiver. 😉 So, lap it all up, and please discuss with your partners.
(If I knew ONE couple talked about their oral sex lives because of this article, I would feel over the moon!)
Hey, you’re kinda cute…
Before things heat up too much, we have to cover female arousal. Whereas those with swords tend to “lift” upon excitement, vulvas tend to soak…
Why?
(I’m so excited to write about this, everyone, because I’m learning so many things!!!)
To some of us this is becoming old news, and we couldn’t be happier…
“What’s the primary sex organ all genders share?“
The BRAIN! (<— We all shout this part collectively in my head… Fists in the air, and all.)
This is why I started the article the way I did, k? Some of us really want to enjoy oral pleasure, but can’t get out of our own minds long enough to really let go.
So what do you do?
Oral Pleasure 1’O’1 – Set the mood, everyone!
PLAN for a night of intimacy! This takes up a very precious resource, being time, but time worthwhile!
Trystology’s Matriarch, Roylin Downs, has been quoted saying, “Men are like microwaves, women are like crockpots… and a crockpot’s gotta simmer!”
She’s right! Vulva owners need a little time to simmer, so give her the kind of attention she craves! Perhaps that’s candles, a bath, or a sexy massage…
Giver notes: Be present with your partner, and let this be fun! I promise your partner loves your meaningful attention, so watch their breathing, caress their skin, and shower her with genuine compliments!
Trystology Tip: Give your lover a massage! Use just a liiiiiiiittle bit too much oil, and let the oil drip into nether-bits. JUST a little…
Receiver notes: Be present with your partner by being present with yourself!
Remember when we said plan? Take time beforehand to make sure any insecurity you may have has been assessed! Get ready, feel sexy, and do whatever YOU want to feel your best – and know that EVERY vulva is different, and yours is perfect just the way it is.
That said, if you wanna “scape”, DO SO! Some women shave, some don’t. Others wax, while others don’t. Some people rock a proud bush, some don’t.
But what makes you feel confident and sexy? Go that route, baby!
Clean is a different story. One thing all vulvas share in common is they don’t smell like perfume… none of them. So please don’t be thinking yours should, or ever will, or feel you need to perfume that area.
However, taking care of our bits is really important, and we can stay healthy and clean in many ways.
Sexual encounters typically follow this “story-arch,” we’ll call it:
Desire
Arousal
Plateau
Orgasm
Resolution
But according to Yvonne K. Fulbright, PhD and author of The Best Oral Sex Ever: His Guide to Going Down, women can experience any of these stages at any time throughout oral pleasure and intimacy!
So after you’ve kissed, caressed, and undressed your partner, you’ve hopefully sparked some desire and arousal. But what is actually happening here?
You might notice her breathing has increased. So feel her! Let your hands rub against her skin slowly and your fingers find your way between her thighs. Notice moaning, wetness, sensitivity, and the rest of her body as you slowly massage the entire vulva paying attention to favorite spots!
When desire strikes, signals are sent to the genitals to prepare for sex. When signals are sent to the vulva, blood flow increases in and around the Clitoris herself! The clitoris is the throne of feminine pleasure, and only about 1/4 of it is exposed right above the vaginal opening. Internal legs of the clitoris run down the inner labia, and hug the nerves surrounding the vagina. Upon arousal, the entire clitoris swells, pushing up against the Bartholin glands, moistening the vulva and vagina!
(PS, Bartholin glands?! I want to KNOW how many readers are learning about these for the first time, because I JUST LEARNED! Aaaand, vulvas are awesome…)
Giver notes: Get some supplies! Lay your partner on the bed so they’re on their backs, and put a pillow underneath their hips to boost their bits! First, this feels loving. You’re truly taking care of your partner, and making them feel prioritized. And second, this exposes all of her most sensitive areas for your feast!
Also, ask her what she likes. Lick her clitoris, and gently run your tongue along the sides of her inner labia. You can sweetly ask, “Like that?” or hum while gently sucking her clitoris. Every so often, grab her thighs and let your tongue slip into her vagina, thrusting back and forth.
Trystology Tip: Just because Bartholin glands exist, lube is always wonderful! We do sell flavored lube by Aloe Cadabra, which is an amazing water-based choice. (Optimal for toy use, which can really take oral for her to the next level!) We also sell Foria Wellness products, which are CBD infused arousal products specially designed for Vulva Owners. This stuff increases sensitivity without feeling synthetic.
Receiver notes: Stay with your breath, and remind yourself it’s okay to let go. This moment is about you, and YES you deserve it. So communicate with your partner! Feel free to moan, arch your back, pinch your nipples, bite the sheets! Maybe practice saying things like, “Yes, I love it like that. Don’t stop!” or “I love what you just did, can you do that again?”
Using our voices is empowering, ladies. And remember, what we practice in one area of our lives can permeate into other areas too!
Oral Pleasure 1’O’3 – Here She Comes!
Firstly, it’s always good to remember no intimate encounter should be about an orgasm, only. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn’t! And some women loooooooooooove oral, but prefer to finish in other ways.
However, this article is about Oral Pleasure for Her, so let’s get into the Plateau and Orgasm portions of our road map.
If you’ve been kissing her bits, following her signs, and you’ve both been communicating, chances are good she’s really heated up. This may be obvious due to color flush in the skin, hands and feet. As she enters the Plateau of her pleasure, her vulva and nipples will most likely turn their deepest color. She may even be gripping the sheets, or trembling in her inner thighs.
To take her from plateau to orgasm, things generally operate similarly to the way they do for men!
Giver notes: Get comfortable and patient. Whereas vulvas enjoy a wide variety of pleasure throughout Plateau, and orgasm requires some “In it to win it” attitude. When she’s ready to have an orgasm, you may notice some more moaning, (or screaming!). Her muscles will tense, and often times her back will arch. She may even say, “don’t stop,” so follow her response as she reaches climax, and try not to deviate from what’s working.
Trystology Tip: Ask her to tell you when she’s getting close! Gently let her know that it’s okay to guide you, and that you really want to know what makes her feel good. A great guide to giving great oral pleasure is imagine kissing her passionately… just, there instead.
Receiver notes: Communicate! Listen, my gal, no one gets what they want in life without advocating for themselves, and seeing themselves as deserving of what they want!! And NO ONE wants you to have all of the goodness life has in store for you more than your partner!! (At least, that should be the case for you both!)
**If you feel like you have to pee, don’t hold back!!**
Receiver, your body is really cool, and yes, female ejaculation is possible. Should this be the goal to oral pleasure, or any pleasure? No. But just in case you do feel a sudden urge to urinate upon orgasm, take a deep breath and let go!
Many more vulva owners can do this than realize, but they tend to hold themselves back from it because they’re… worried about peeing on their partner.
Urine and female ejaculate are not the same thing, and we encourage vulva owners to explore their self-pleasure if this sensation has come up with any regularity.
But Wait, There’s More!
Let’s discuss that last bullet, Resolution. Once your love, or you and you love climax, things don’t just end! In the same way things take a moment to heat up, or “simmer” if we’re using Roylin’s analogy, they take a moment to cool off too!
Once we have an orgasm, the heart rate starts to slow, and the body begins to re-regulate. This time is perfect for cuddling and snuggling, because all bodies are settling back down. Looking to keep your sweet connection? Hold onto it for a while!
ALSO!!
TRYSTOLOGY IS HOSTING OUR NEXT CLASS!!!
Wanna learn more? Like, what toys work best when accompanied by oral stimulation, what is female ejaculation, best positions and more?!
Well, mark your calendars!
Do you by chance get our newsletters??? SIGN UP!!! Oral Pleasure: For Her is just one of MANY classes we’ll be hosting this summer! Stay on it to get your tickets when they go on sale!
We are thrilled to host yet another class!
We already know this class is going to fill up quick, so if you’d like a seat in class, please get your ticket now.
And to all of our readers, followers, and dedicated customers: Thank you for seeing yourself as worthy of the pleasure beneath your skin! Love the skin you were born into, and dive into the pleasure of female fellacio!
Mmmkay, Trystologists, we’re talking about meals, oral sex, and ways to please a penis – all while wishing you, (or your partner), a Happy Steak and a Blow Job Day!
That is, if he took care of you this past Valentine’s Day, which is why this day falls on the 14th of March…
I think my real take away from researching this shenanigans – enough to write about it, at least – is something I’m pretty sure we all knew:
A lot of people like oral sex. Like… a lot.
So since we’re not wasting words here, let’s just get into it.
The History of Steak and a Blow Job Day:
This non-official holiday exists as the polarity to Valentine’s Day – a day for men to feel the kind of romance they desire. So… red meat and oral sex were meant to replace roses and chocolate! Men may have gotten the better deal here, ladies, but we’ll make up for it in April on Cake and Cunnilingus Day – also on the 14th.
And whereas the true origins of the day are unknown, Steak and a Blow Job day was popularized by Tom Birdsey in 2002. On air, Tom, a radio DJ, proposed a romantic reward day for men who made their partners feel extra loved on Valentine’s Day. It was initially seen as misogynistic holiday, yet the suggested celebration quickly resonated throughout Tom’s community, then across the US, and is now chuckled about world-wide.
How does one celebrate Steak and a Blow Job Day?
Well, it’s pretty self-explanatory. Everything you need to know to celebrate this day is in the name. You get some meat, (I’m sure vegan and vegetarian options still apply), you make it, then you do the deed! In other words, you fellate, provide oral sex, go down on your partner… or, give your dude a good, old-fashioned blow job!
Now, we know some people are squeamish about this topic, so we’re going to slow things down and discuss some stigma surrounding blow jobs, and oral sex, in general.
Oh, Oral …
For many of us, oral is more intimate than intercourse. It can be very exciting to have a partner go down on us, but there’s no way around it – someone’s getting a face full of nether-bits.
As givers, some of us fear we’re not doing it right, think it’s gross, worry about hygiene, or feel this act inherently makes us submissive. As takers, we can feel guilty or try to climax quickly to save our partners from jaw pain.
But here’s the deal, y’all! We’ve got to stress less about things that are meant to bring joy to our lovers and ourselves! Does that mean every partnership needs oral sex to be successful?
NO!
But I would argue that knowing what does it for your partner, oral or otherwise, and acting upon it is a crucially important aspect of an intimate partnership! Can it happen all the time? Well, no! But who doesn’t like feeling special, loved, or taken care?! And who doesn’t like seeing their loved one pleasured!?
Intimacy is actually defined as “familiarity, closeness and belonging.” That said, when we step out of our own fears, judgements, and sometimes comfort zones, we open ourselves up to experience new levels of partnered bliss.
So onto the main act…
How to give a great blow job:
So first things first, the best way to give your partner the oral sex of their dreams is by asking them how they like it!
Not all male members are the same, and I’m not talking about size here. What makes one erupt may leave another wanting more or less. So talk about it, and know that the conversation itself can be sexy. Really listen, and take care to apply.
Next, get some supplies! You may wanna grab a hair tie, some water, maybe a some fruity lube, and protection.
Now that you’ve had the sexy talk and you have your tools –
{Record Screech}
Hi, readers. This is the writer, and yes I know it’s odd to just jump in like this. But you see… we had to revise this article, LOL! To some of our readers, we know you may be bummed out. To others, you’re welcome, honestly. I write about some salacious stuff, and I blushed reading the original version of this. Perhaps I did a little too much research. I digress… Even though the previously written article was explicit, it was accurate, and received rave reviews… but was more sexually explicit than other things within this blog. So instead of leaving the article as it was originally, we are HOSTING A CLASS AT THE STORE!! Yup, we’re holding a “How To: Oral Sex for Him” class this coming March 29th, from 7-8:30pm!
Please sign up for our newsletters, via the website. We’ll be sending out announcements, and you’ll be able to buy tickets online! (We’re holding one for Him this March, and one for Her the April!)
Ready, set, BL – Oh, you get the point…
The time is here, and we’re ready for action, but let’s not rush things! Men are statistically more visual than their gender counterparts, so get sensual! Wear that lingerie, walk and move slow, and let him drink YOU in!
Every human body is hardwired with erogenous zones, and they span the entire length of the body from head to toe, fingertip to fingertip. So, make out! And land some sexy kisses along his neck, ears, chest, tummy, and inner thigh.
(We’re going to cover more of this in class. We’ll give specified tips and tricks, so if you’re interested, stay tuned…)
The Reveal
When you’ve teased your man enough, it’s time for business, but – don’t rush! Take your time as you remove clothing. You wanna stay loose, confident, and grounded, so let your fingertips feel his body as you take each article of clothing off.
Establish Some Rhythm
Especially if you are newer to this or feel timid, take things slow and shallow first, and don’t forget you have hands! Also, take a moment to assess comfortability. Do you need to adjust, or get comfy again? Need a drink of water? DO IT!!
Start slow, pay attention to his body language, and change up the pace at the beginning! Try slow for a while, then fast with a harder grip. Just one warning: watch those teeth! Some men do appreciate soft nibbling, but hard contact with a canine could send him through the roof. So be careful.
(Much more to this section in class, but these bits are major, so we thought we’d keep it in.)
The We-Vibe Tango X is the perfect bullet vibe for any type of play, but it can really take blow-job giving and receiving to another level! Just… come to class!
The Final Countdown
Alright, he’s probably squirming by grand finale time! You should be able to tell when he’s getting close by faster breathing, tensing muscles, and deeper moaning. If your guy seems shy, ask him to tell you when he’s about to climax.
…
Alright, folks. That’s where we are cutting it for this blog. If you’re curious, we hope to see you in our upcoming “How To: Oral Sex for Him” class this March 29th, from 7-8:30pm!
We haven’t held a class in ages, and seriously… a LOT of research went into this topic.
So grab a cocktail, and head into class on March 29th!
But first, we eat!
Now for the food!
What is Steak and a Blow Job Day without the steak?!
This is NO cooking blog, so we’re saving the recipes for the pros! And we know the day calls for steak, but we’ve included a vegan option too 😉
If you want a great steak, this guy knows what he’s talking about:
Looking for a vegan/vegetarian option?!
(I’ve heard this doesn’t taste like steak, but that it is absolutely fantastic!)
In conclusion
We hope this article was helpful. And if not helpful, funny.
If it was neither, well… better luck next time 😀
To all male member owners, pleasers, and handlers out there, we here at Trystology wish YOU a wonderful Steak and a Blow Job Day!
Hi, Trystologists!!! It’s been far too long, and truth be told, we missed you! So much, in fact, we’re spilling all the goods about vibrators with:
The Best Vibrators of Trystology’s Toy Chest ~ Holiday Edition!!
Why the Holiday Edition, you ask? Because maybe, just maybe, Trystology has a reason other than ALL the holiday sales, and marketing, and “stuff, stuff, stuff!” to be posting one of these this week, so… why now?
Well, yes, the holidays are here. I state that without exclamation because a lot can go with “the holiday season,” can’t it? I normally enjoy the holidays greatly, and can still find this time overwhelming while constantly keeping me on my toes.
So whether we partnered or flying solo with bells on, how can we balance the Naughty and Nice list this season?
And to that, we say…
Have some great orgasms! Like, reeeeally great ones…
Plan your night around it, great. Wear lingerie for it, grreat. Wear nothing… YES! 😉
Let’s first set the holiday vibe for this “best of the toy chest…”
The best vibrators of Trystology’s toy chest can, yes, be used to get you there fast, but can also be used to delicately enhance, pleasure, or tease. Vibration is wonderful, and can enhance pleasure for anyone, accompanied or alone. Whether you’re the proud owner of any combination of the following: an anus, clitoris, g-spot, inguinal canals, labia, nipples, penis, perineum, prostate, testicles, vagina, vulva, or ANY OTHER EROGENOUS ZONE – vibration may be something that could, or already does excite your sex life!
Let’s also remember that not all vibration is made to do the same thing!
Some toys strongly buzz, some delicately tickle, some can power through denim jeans, while others rumble low and slow. Each is engaging our nerve network a little differently.
This is intentional! First, most of us need a little “warming up” to get in the mood, and right when we start our intimate encounters, things don’t usually need to be at full-blast on the bits, even if sparks are flying. That’s why most pleasure products, no matter their “type” of buzz, have some various settings and ranges. As a general rule of thumb, vibrators that sport more of a rumble are made to stimulate nerves deep within tissue. Rumbly vibrations permeate the top layer of skin, and are felt deeper within the body. Super buzzy vibrators, no matter how “high” or intense they’re set, activate the nerves directly underneath the skin – the surface level ones.
Some people need a lot to get “there.” Some don’t, and there’s no right or wrong to whatever method helps you most! As always, so long and consent and communication remain paramount and are safely revisited, the sky’s the limit for your pleasure and your orgasm, no matter what you like! Vibration can allow you to enjoy climaxing for longer, and can also empower you to watch your partner squirm. (Wet emoji)
If you actually read this far, congratulations, and even if you didn’t, (you rush in bed too, don’t you…), here’s the list!
The Best Vibrators of Trystology’s Toy Chest ~ HOLIDAY EDITION!
Get ready, babes, cuz this shit is organized. 😉
Feel the love. Feel it! Oooooooooh!
ALSO!!! The Best Vibrators of Trystology’s Toy Chest has SUB-SECTIONS!!! They are:
Tender – Sweet vibrating toys that tickle and tease, but won’t blow you away…
Trembling – These vibrators have range. Whereas a slow setting is available, this category also turns up the heat!
Turbo – Calling all power-tool seekers! This category is for you. If you KNOW your orgasm packs a punch, just look here. Mmmkay, Turbo? 😉
(Anyone else turned on by this organization? Or… is this just me?
I digress…)
Clitoral Vibrators
The buzz starts with the one and only human organ meant strictly for pleasure! Yes, the clitoris is truly in a league of it’s own. Much bigger than most people know, it could be said that the clitoris is the throne of the female orgasm. The visible part of the clitoris is located right under the clitoral hood above the vaginal opening, but the clitoris itself runs underneath the surface of the labia, and networks around the vagina like a boomerang. Clitoral arousal depends on intensity of blood-flow, similar to the erection of a penis.
We-Vibe Touch X: There are so many beautiful clitoral vibrators on the market, but something we know is this… vibration there feels f*cking incredible for most women. Those are just the facts. Touch X is an easily held vibrator that has a wide, yet gently pointed tip. It’s perfect for massaging and teasing! It’s also a wonderful first vibrator! If you’re looking to explore your other erogenous zones, or your partner’s, give We-Vibe’s Touch X a whirl!
Dame – Kip: The Dame Kip is trembling because of it’s shape! This lil’ baby may not look like much, but this triangular shape makes it all kinds of fun. The low is actually low, which we here at Trystology find super appealing to many shoppers. However, it has a nice buzzy and rumbly high. The intensity of this tool comes from how lightly or heavily it is pressed into the skin. Waterproof? Yep. Fabulous? Mmmhmm.
Crave – Vesper: Talk about the sneakiest lil’ vibrator you ever did see, Vesper can actually be worn as a necklace. You heard me… this is modern jewelry, babe. These vibes come in gold, rose gold, and silver, they’re a little longer than one inch, they are powerful, and best yet… they are silent. Shhhhh… Looking for some no-no on the go?! Actually though, hereyou go!
Prostate stimulation can be, and is for many, a magnificent way to enhance the male orgasm. So… what’s the big deal, and how is this done?
Well, let’s put it this way… every human body is filled with nerve centers – many of which exist between the start of the perineum, (the area right behind the genitals on men, women, and non-binary individuals that extends to the anus), back to the anus, and yes, even inside the rectum itself. For obvious reasons, our human nature mandates that we are able to feel that area to monitor health concerns, but all individuals can achieve pleasure this way. Especially prostate owners.
When pressure or vibrators are applied to prostate, a more full orgasm can be achieved for it’s owner. The prostate is locate generally 3-5 inches inside of the rectum, and prostate owners can ejaculate from pressure here alone. Worth a try? We think so…
Aneros – Helix Syn V is our “first step” for prostate tools, and yes… this is arguable. There’s a reason we’re putting it on here. As far as girth is concerned, this is not a thick tool. This prostate vibrator is slender and made of hard silicone. Used with plenty of lube, we think this is a great place to start! The tool has natural ridges for exact contact with the prostate, and provides subtle vibration to the perineum. Charge, lubricate, insert, and explore a different side of the male orgasm!
Remember how we said at the very beginning not all vibration is created equal??
Well, here’s We-Vibe Verge, a very rumbly tool indeed. This testicular and perineum vibrator stimulates the prostate from the outside rather than the inside. This massager and ring has an opening large enough for both penis and testicles to feel most restraint! Bluetooth enable, this baby is a hands free ride for all to enjoy.
Lovense – Edge 2 is a prostate powerhouse of a vibrator. Blast off with surround-sound vibration for Mr. Prostate. Vibration on the perineum, internal vibration, girth, girth, girth. Looking for a lot? Here’s your toy 😉
There’s a reason we said any combination of erogenous zones! We don’t all exist within the binary, and as such, it’s important to showcase tools uniquely meant for all. We’ve set it here at Trystology, and we’ll say it again. Representation is important. Every body is blessed with nerve centers that can receive pleasure. In that, pleasure is our birth right, and the wider LGBTQIA+ community has only made the SEX community better, more colorful, and more pleasurable!
Not everyone likes shapes or sensations that resemble binary genitalia. This selection of vibrators, my loves, is for YOU!
Ever heard of a little thing called muffing? Well, all people have inguinal canals, located in the groin. For trans women especially, rumbly vibes to these canals can take orgasms to the next level! Interested? Click the link!
What sets the Tango X apart from other bullet vibrators is the length, the rumble, and the hard plastic. When going for harder to reach and tender areas, gradual pressure and smooth contact are important. (Even using fingers in this area if nails are untrimmed can be uncomfortable, so gentle until told otherwise. 😉 )
The Tango X is an all around great bullet vibe, and makes our “top” lists all the time. This is a very specific, yet very effective, use for this tool.
Je Joue – MiMi Soft Tip is a wonderful, small tool that gets fierce on those higher settings. MiMi is easily travel-able, and great for pleasure all OVER the body. Inside of the thighs? Yep. Inner arm? Yep. Nipples? Mmm hmmm! The silicone Je Joue uses is silky, and so nice to touch!
The Lelo – Loki Wave is a tool for all bodies, and reminds us all that despite our differences, we’ve basically all got the same general bits.
If we could look at male, female, and non-binary anatomies side by side, we would see that all of our parts come from the same pieces that develop when we’re in gestation. The g-spot and the prostate are generally in the same exact space. The functions of the clitoris and penis sexually are astonishingly similar. And toys like the Loki Wave just work. The throbbing internal piece can be inserted vaginally or anally. The sensually buzzy outer piece pleasures perineums and clitoris’s alike.
And this thing GOES!! Looking for Turbo? For girth? Something you KNOW is there??
I am a man. But for a long time, I didn’t know what being a man meant for me. Not that I was too young to enter manhood, rather filled with too much shame, doubt, and a zeal for perfection above all else – not to mention, an abundance of misinformation about what being a man even was! When it came to sex, I also struggled from the same setbacks. Maybe you have, too. And if you have, welcome!
Conversely, if as a man, you vehemently reject the idea that manhood has it’s struggles, well, read on, because I’m talking to you as well.
Honestly, there’s a distinction that I want to make about what being a man means.
There’s a narrative about men — the label of man — that is restrictive.
We often acknowledge this narrow definition, assuming that men don’t talk; men brag. Men don’t share; men take. Men don’t feel; men manage. Really? That seems to be a narrow definition of what it means to be a man. In fact, the stereotypical definition of “man” hardly includes any men I know whatsoever. The majority, even if they deny or hide it, are more nuanced, more flawed, more vulnerable.
Embracing manhood can be another hurdle.
I think being a man is taking responsibility, having integrity, caring for others, and most importantly, caring for oneself.
Let me list some of the ways in which I thought I wasn’t a man… Couldn’t get an intense, 5-hour erection? Not a man. Couldn’t make my partner climax? Not a man. Didn’t make a ridiculous amount of money or come from some rich family? Not a man. Lacking stability? Not a man. Cried at a commercial? You get it… (That last one may seem absurd to you, but there is a Coors Light Commercial that for some reason just pulls at my manstrings and makes me cry — well, I should say that I come to the brink of crying, but given that the commercial is only fifteen seconds long, I don’t have enough time to produce tears.)
Needless to say, my younger self was confused in two major ways:
I felt that I wasn’t a man given the popularized, narrow, and harrowing definition, and;
I hadn’t yet learned to be man, in the sense of existing with confidence as myself
So I needed to do two things; expand my definition of man, and embrace my responsibility of living up to that broadened definition.
The Multi-Orgasmic Man is a wonderful resource for men looking to broaden their sexual manhood, confidently!
Ironically, what was actually holding me back was revealing and exposing what I thought made me less than a man: my vulnerability, imperfections, speaking clearly, asking for what I needed, and showing up for myself… not just for my partner.
When I was very young, in high school, I had a sexual experience with an older girl. It was my first sexual experience. We made out, and I used my fingers to please her for 45 minutes. It was relatively innocent but the next week at school, I felt immense shame as if I had done something wrong or was inadequate. My immediate fear was not being good enough, even though I only tried to please her. Maybe I let her down, or didn’t prove how manly I was in the moment, or worse yet, be laughed at by her friends. At that moment, however, I was living within the expectation of what I thought “being a man,” meant.
Men are supposedly stoic and ultra confident, so should I have been that?! I was not, and judged myself for not only letting her down, but for letting myself down, too. Sure, there are some men who express stoicism and ultimate confidence — though I have my doubts as to what extent it’s genuine — but all men have ups and downs, good days and bad, fears and desires, and intense emotions. Yep, almost sounds like women! Isn’t that weird? Men and women with similarities? That’s crazy!
The more we hear that men are from some strange, barren planet, the more we believe it. No, women aren’t from another planet, and neither are men or the non-binary community! We’re all from Earth!
In any case, I assumed that I was not a person who need to succumb to my desires. I could do without sexual pleasure. That’s life! That manifested later when I dated a woman for four years, and for the last two years — TWO YEARS — of our relationship, we didn’t have sex (a very bad idea for prostate cancer risk, as explained here). That’s life, right?! That’s what it means to be with someone. You sacrifice everything, including your pleasure, and you sure as hell don’t bring it up! You take it like a man, as they say.
What I didn’t ask myself for a long time was how I could, as a man, be a good lover to myself.
It sounds like a strange question, perhaps. In fact, if that question seems like a contradiction to what it means to be a man, you’re not alone. You may think that if you’re caring, you’re merely covering your bases. That if you could make your partner happy, your happiness cup was automatically filled, too. I operated from this belief and left myself out of the equation. I didn’t understand how I could ensure my sexual pleasure while engaging with a partner? It’s fundamental to pleasing both you and your partner.
Deep down, I felt that I was just not good enough. But maybe, maybe if I gave my partner enough orgasms over the course of a 1-hour sex marathon, well maybe then, I would be good enough. Pressure? Sure, there’s pressure, but that’s what a man does, right?! Lives in constant pressure to be tough, perfect, strong, and devoid of any major emotions or emotional breakdowns.
Some people may call this sort of thing armor. I like that imagery, because armor is a literal heavy burden to bear. But even more, I like the idea that it was my representative showing up, not me. Hello! I’m Alex, the cool guy. I charmandtell jokes. I’ll make you laugh. I make you feel wanted and sexy. I... well, Irepresent Alex, the flawed human who has too much fear and shame to show up for himself. He’s dealing with depression and meaninglessness almost all the time, so he sends me instead. Will you ever see him, you ask? Not unless he has a mental breakdown and pushes me out of the way. But what does it matter if you see him? I’m perfect in every possible way!
The problem with having the representative show up for you is the real you gets bottled up, resentful, unfulfilled, angry, and hurt.
And then, you end up doing things that hurt you and your partner. I’ve lied about petty things. Lost my integrity. Said I was okay with things when I wasn’t.
I’m in a new place now, though I hesitate to say that it’s entirely stable — there’s always doubts and questions.
Manhood is taking responsibility for your pleasure and your commitment to your partner.
There’s you, there’s your partner, and there’s the shared interaction that you’re having. All three need to work. All three need attention. Yes, even men are worthy of pleasure. Men can state their needs, ask for what they want, receive consent, and encourage their partners to do the same. Because guess what? Most men, (more appropriately, most people), are incredibly nervous about revealing their sexuality to others.
The Hardness Factor measures a man’s health through the quality of his erection – perhaps the greatest male motivator for better living (more so than fear of cancer, heart attack, or stroke). This book asks, ‘Can men be hard and in shape for sex their entire lives?’ The answer is, absolutely. Here for the first time are scientific, evidence based regimens – emphasizing nutrition, supplements, and exercise – to increase erectile quality.
Friends have often come to me for advice about “manhood” because I have been open about my sexual experiences. It’s amazing how many men want to have a conversation about their experiences when I’m vulnerable enough to share my inadequacies. There’s just not a lot of safe spaces for men to have that sort of conversation. I hold a space for men to discuss their “manhood” in a way that isn’t self-congratulatory, but rather vulnerable, and “here’s what I’ve learned.”
Often we men feel as if we can be one of two things: a selfish asshole or a nice guy.
A selfish asshole takes what he wants and a nice guy gives everything to others. Surprisingly, both are eager to make everything about themselves. The selfish asshole is obviously out for himself, afraid to show more than what is necessary for a transactional moment. The nice guy attempts to cover any imperfections, hoping to appear incredible in bed, hoping for his partner to validate that he is worthy of having someone. Both, however, are rooted in the same broken idea of one’s self and what it means to be a sexual man.
I was the “nice guy,” and I’m still getting over it.
When I was at university, I worked with an incredibly attractive young woman who was mysterious, elusive, and out of my league (a concept I can get into another time because it’s bullshit). Anyway, I flirted with her in a way that was always reserved, always having my representative showing up for me. Astonishingly, she liked me, though she was wildly difficult to read (she had her own issues as well, as it turns out, just like everyone on Earth). She was my date for a wedding and we ended up at her place afterward. I was so nervous to perform and please her that I couldn’t get an erection. Frankly, it felt like a test. A test of my manhood. And I was failing! And as soon as that thought got into my head, it didn’t leave. What was wrong with me?
I had performance anxiety, period. There’s a lack of research out there, but performance anxiety affects somewhere between 9-25% of men. (Here’s a decent article from WebMD detailing performance anxiety, which may answer more questions, if you’ve got them.) The bottom line is this: beyond gender binaries, the brain is everyone’s primary sexual organ, and if it’s not working, not much else will. It was my perception of how I was being perceived, not how I was showing up for myself and my partner. Of course it can be nerve-wracking to engage in sexual activity with somebody, but it’s also supposed to be pleasurable for everyone involved.
Personally, I have two recommendations for you if you’re discovering the man you want to be in bed…
First, find out what you like!
Do you really want to show up for your partner? Show up for yourself. You’ll be surprised that your partner wants you to feel good, too, believe it or not. Ask yourself what you want. How do you enjoy pleasure? What gets you off?
If you’re having trouble answering those questions, investigate. Take it upon yourself to know what you like. A great way is masturbation. Try out more than just your hand. And it’s not just about your dick, either. There’s incredible products out there to help you discover what feels good. Here’s some that may intrigue you:
The Je Joue Mio is made of high quality silicone. It provides restriction for staying power and vibration for a rumbly ride!Tenga spinners provide enticing sensations for solo or partner play! These masturbation sleeves are especially great for men looking to increase overall sensitivity to their manhoodYes, the prostate can be stimulated, and this tool is designed to surround it with rumbly vibration! Curious?
Masturbation is not a shameful act. It’s a pleasurable act that ideally happens in the safety of a judgment free zone. You may have to work on creating that judgment free zone for yourself. Talking with a therapist can help, or even joining a men’s group.
Second, talk to your partner.
A real man, hell, a good person, can hold space and have a difficult conversation about sex. Explain what you want. Ask what your partner wants. Having that conversation during a sexual interaction may not be the best time, so, be a man (in the very real sense of this blog) and bring it up when it isn’t easy. Have a conversation that is scary, that may bring up disagreement, that may leave you feeling vulnerable.
Learning Good Consent is an extremely helpful, ethical, and conversational book! Whether entering manhood, womanhood, or something less binary, Cindy Crabb navigates this sometimes awkward topic with poise and grace. For that, this book is always a Trystology favorite!
Communication is key to good sex. As a man, it’s okay to ask for what you want. But remember to listen as well.
In the end, what does manhood mean to me?
Are you a man? Am I? Well, I have two answers to that. Yes, I am a man (one who happens to paint his toenails blue), but I’m also still learning what showing up as a man means especially with a sexual partner. For me, being a man is both a fact and an ongoing process. One part of that process is discovering where my feelings come from. Society and culture sure play a role, but there’s always more to the story; life, parents, friends, experiences. This is where I’m at and I still have progress to make (and oh my, am I still imperfect).
I hold space for others but still struggle to hold the same space for myself. Yes, I’m still becoming my definition of the “man” I want to be, and encourage you do to the same! You, too, may find your vulnerabilities and imperfections have made you a better man already. Sharing those tender bits, authentically, only brings those we love closer, all while bringing us closer to ourselves.
To all men dedicated to finding their confidence, redefining manhood, and/or deepening their relationships with themselves and others, you’re not alone. It’s just another life journey, so keep going! Just remember – be yourself!
Curious what else we have going on? Follow us @Trystology
Happy June, Southern California! Multi-colored flags are blowing in the sea breeze, and it is that time of year again! Trystology is celebrating Pride in all of it’s glory, but this year, we want to do so differently. Instead of recounting the history of Stonewall (don’t know what that is?! Please look it up!), emphasizing proper pronoun use, or spreading the good word that orgasms are natural and healthy (goes without saying, right?), we at Trystology have a special thanks to give this Pride season. See, whereas the LGBTQ community has had to define themselves by using labels to break free from heteronormative language and society, the love represented by this flag knows no boundary. In a world full of madness, this flag waves as a beacon to all those looking to authentically love and be loved beyond the label.
And well… that’s great for all of us… and in our humble opinion, here’s why! 😉
Full disclosure, as a shop specializing in intimate products for adults, we know most people here in the US have hang-ups about their sexuality.
It’s a sad, but true, fact that we grew up with bunk information about sex – if any at all! And because orgasms, arousal, and intimacy don’t come up as typical dinner table conversations, many of us were left to answer our own questions behind locked doors, on the internet, or within inaccurate anatomy books! Worse yet, as we looked, we only found two labeled camps – his sexuality and hers. Each had a specific function that neither could cross, like some sacred lock and key! Meanwhile, all of this “hush-hushing” and bad information left a lot of us feeling guilt and shame about our bodies, our desires, and the pleasure hard-wired beneath our skin for centuries. And that’s not LGBTQ specific, this informational short-changing was bad for everyone!
Got questions? That’s great 🙂 There are resources and people here for you!
Now there’s no getting around it – historically, the LGBTQ community has faced persecution, insult, discrimination, violence and invisibility. On the morning of June 28th 1969, warriors at the Stonewall bar in NYC ushered in a new demand for equality, and one that now echoes every June worldwide. But with only about 8% of the population identifying within the LGBTQ umbrella, why has Pride become such a big deal for all of us, all over?
Our educated guess?
Beyond labels, the LGBTQ community fought for their sexual rights, their freedom, and their visibility – and by doing so, also fought for yours!
And in their fight, the LGBTQ community further exposed one of the biggest lies we tell our younger humans, and that’s this:
Man = Masculine vs Woman = Feminine
Wrong-O! Every human being is comprised of both masculine and feminine energies. To the heterosexual shifting in their chair right now, yes, this means you too! My male partner has many masculine traits, but he can also make mean curtains, which doesn’t impact his gender identity at all! Women like Becca Longo can kick the ever-living hell out of a football, and may just be the NFL’s first female kicker! She’s good at what she does beyond the false binary. Period.
Now, those last three innocent sentences I just strung together really put a smile on my face, and I hope they put a smile on yours. But not long ago, even those innocent statements would have raised eyebrows. It is thanks to the LGBTQ community for pushing boundaries, making room for all of us to confidently fit and identify – somewhere. The man who loves dresses, the woman attracted to her female best friend, and the non-binary person who didn’t fit the male or female checkbox aren’t marching for football or curtains. No, the they’re marching to love, be loved, and send a message – you are worth divine love too.
Since Trystology is a sex-positive haven for the community, we have one more big, BIG thank you to share. And O… it’s a big one 😉
THANK YOU FOR MAKING SEX BETTER FOR EVERYONE!!!!
Yes, community. Thank you for making sex better for everyone. You know what happens when an open dialogue starts? About anything? Empathy. Discovery. Growth. Vulnerability. Confidence. Healing. That’s what happens. And over the last 50 years, this dialogue has begged the question:
“What is my sexual preference?”
Lemme tell ya somethin’ right now. That is fucking revolutionary! Our grandparents never asked about this, and neither did a lot of our parents. Men were expected to be men, women were expected to be women, and anything outside of the realm of missionary was downright taboo. And women getting their orgasms?! Pshh, forget it.
This Shari Zinn Harness is stylish, study, elegant, and extremely well-made. The soft leather makes for a snug, confident fit without constant readjusting!
The introduction of, “What is my sexual preference,” was a seed of consent. This neatly wrapped question encourages exploration for those who don’t know how the receive pleasure, and relief for those who do! And that really amped up the sex world. Sturdy, well designed strap-ons became more readily available for everyone, including the hetero couples! Plugs became fun for all genders! The truth came out that if you’re alive, you’ve got pleasure beneath your skin. And better yet, your pleasure is uniquely yours to discover.
The Lovense Hush is without a doubt one of the best vibrating anal plugs on the market. The size and shape provides a luxurious feeling of fullness, while the Lovense motor does the rest. Lovense products have a strong vibration, so this power plug promises to get you there again and again.
(Now, pro-tip. Don’t just go out your front door today asking the world about their sexual preference… No, no. That’s rude. Remember – your discovery is your own to share with whomever you see fit, and that goes for everyone else too. R-E-S-P-E-C-T, people, looks sexy on everyone!)
In closing, one more shout out for the LGBTQ community! We know we’ve said it a lot, but we just won’t stop.
Thank You!
Thank you for being who you are, and giving the world consent to do the same. As human beings, we all cover a vast spectrum of talent, ingenuity, creativity, intelligence, and yes… sexuality. No one person out there is exactly the same as you, and none of us are the same today as we were yesterday. As we continue to grow as a society and world, may this banner wave, and may we all have pride to love beyond labels.
Welcome back, Trystologists! May is here, spring has sprung, and summer is just around the corner!
To our dedicated readers, we know it’s been a while since our last post, and we’re going discuss why. See, we’ve been changing, shifting, and taking some much needed time to assess our mental well-being. There’s not much of it left, but May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and Trystology has a question for you…
How good are you at receiving?
Big question, right? We receive a lot as a collective on any given day. Most of us get mail, compliments, criticisms, internet, phone calls, texts, commercials and streaming daily. Perhaps in 2022, many of us “receive” too much! But is this the kind of receiving we’re talking about?
Not at all. What we want to know this:
How are you at receiving intimate pleasure, and how does that behavioral function show itself in other areas of your life?
If you’re a care-giver, people-pleaser, or really struggle to set healthy boundaries, you may have just spit out your coffee… We get it! Receiving pleasure is a common struggle, especially if it’s something you don’t feel you deserve. And that thought can be sneaky as all hell! It’s so sneaky, in fact, we may not even realize we struggle to receive until, (oops!), a partner wants to give us oral pleasure! Or maybe a big show of affection makes us feel crippling guilt and stress! Or perhaps, when it comes to sexuality and intimacy, asking for what we want feels so impossible because we don’t know how to trust, or truly be vulnerable.
Sounding familiar? Yeah… well, guess what? Us too! Again, this shit is common and sneaky. And before you continue reading, let us say this.
There’s nothing wrong with you. In fact, say it out loud right now, “There’s nothing wrong with me!”
Good… Take a breath. 😉
Now, it’s admittedly difficult for any of us to take care of our mental health in a world of so much distraction, or find time to be “in the mood.” I consider life to be a full-contact sport. All of us want to play the field, but how can we be in the game if we can’t keep our eye on the ball? And where’s the ball? Well, I think the “ball” is this present moment. Welcome to it.
Sometimes, when we find ourselves back here, we enter the present only to find the messes we left last time we visited, then run out as quickly as possible. But guess what? Our pleasure, our pleasure, deserves more from us. Sometimes we’ve gotta check in and clean house, so here are three tips we hope help along the journey.
The Art of Receiving: How to Own Your Orgasm and Mental Health
Finding the Fantasy
Here in 2022, many of us are stuck in the quick orgasm loop. I’m certainly not saying consistent orgasms aren’t good for the mind, body, and soul, because here at Trystology we’re all about owning our orgasms, and inspiring others to do the same! But beyond the physical cocktail of the human orgasm exists the fantasy, the feeling – the deeper script.
So what do I mean by being stuck in a loop? Well, many of us, when fantasizing during self-pleasure, rely on scripts of polarity to get there fast then be on our merry way. In other words, the raunchier, the better. Whereas there’s nothing wrong with however you fantasize, what if we took more time to really ask ourselves what we crave, then gave ourselves to permission languish and basque in a present moment with ourselves? What might we find by receiving pleasure more intentionally?
I can say from experience this exercise is notably difficult for me. Being present with my body, even in pleasure, can bring up memories I’ve practiced avoiding. Vulnerability can be terrifying, but it makes for necessary space to let go of the things that weigh us down. A great friend once told me, “Our minds and spirits bounce around from past to future, while our bodies are the only extension of ourselves truly trapped here in the present moment.” They were right. When our stress levels sky rocket, our hearts take the beating. When we’re not paying attention, bumps and bruises pop up. Pleasure helps bring us back here, eye on the ball, back in the game!
Getting Off , by Jamye Waxman is a great place for any female to explore what receiving pleasure means for them. It’s full of tips and tricks, along with helpful diagrams and illustrations. Looking to explore? Get yours today!
Even though this exercise of consistently checking in with my body, specifically my fantasies, brought challenges, I quickly started to see how I sacrifice my own pleasure in other areas of my life. A lot of the time, I just accept discomfort. Blindly. No question. For some of us, discomfort has been such a common occurrence, it almost feels safe… or predictable, at least.
WE’RE HERE TO SAY YOU CAN CHANGE THAT!
Your imagination is powerful, people. You can use it to receive pleasure in a variety of ways, starting today… so what’s holding you back?
True Consenting Adults
So now you’ve spent some quality alone time. Now what? You want to share with your partner, yet still feel uncomfortable, nervous, or flat out scared. Here’s where true vulnerability comes into play. Many of us view consent as, “Partner, may I please ______,” followed by a simple, “Yes.” This is a great place to start, but as our sexualities unfold and develop over time, this ask can start to feel shallow and robotic.
Eventually, each of our unique “consents” deepen, and carry with them attachments to feelings and trust. What is everyone’s major sex organ? Our brain! Arousal starts there for everyone! So how can any of us practice receiving pleasure from partners if we’re battling major fear or anxiety, while possibly even suffering silently?
By using our voice. By being vulnerable. And by telling the truth.
Playing Well With Others, by Lee Harrington and Mollena Williams, is a great guide for anyone looking for a walk on the wilder side. Great writing, honest accounts, and truly helpful hints.
Will this always a clean or painless process? No, but only because you’re getting out what has caused pain for so long. I have personally experienced anxiety ridden intimacy for most of my life. It’s only in the last few years of my life I’ve gained the courage to say, “I am afraid. I’m afraid I’m not enough, and I don’t know how to let go. I don’t know how to receive pleasure.” Sex, or the option to have sex, would spin my mind so hard, I felt I had to assume a whole new character to transform into my “sexy self.” That’s a lot of pressure for many people who are new to receiving pleasure! So share your struggles. Share how you are feeling, and work to trust yourself and your boundaries enough to let go.
Pleasure comes when the static of panic and stress fade. Believe, go slow, and be kind. Set up moments throughout intimate time with your partner to take breaks and check in. Let them know your goals – that you want to be present and learn how to receive. Address anxieties or fears as they arise, and allow your partner to physically be there for you. You may be delighted by the response!
“But what if I’m single?!“
Great question. Practice showing yourself every ounce of love you crave! Be the best to attract the best. By choosing to receive pleasure in your life, you actively teach the world how you wish to be treated. So don’t hold back!
REPEAT!
Step three is nothing new, but it may be the most important of these steps. Repeat! Practice! Commit! Because here’s the truth – many of us struggle with to receive pleasure because we were deeply hurt. To every reader, if this includes you, I am sending you all of my love right here and now. Trust is not easy. Your life, however, is worth your healing, worth your pain, and certainly worth your pleasure!
Is everything going to improve right away? No. Will it be easy all the time? No. But will you start to notice your life getting better? Yes, you will. You’ll see yourself just as deserving of pleasure as everyone else!
The Come As You Are, book and workbook by Emily Nagoski are extremely helpful for those of us who need a little nudge. This beautifully presented package encourages participants to honestly admit how they see themselves now while working toward a better future!
Here at Trystology we encourage you to view receiving pleasure, abundance, and safety as your birth right! Because it is. Our sexualities reflect deep aspects of our being, and when we learn to advocate for our own physical pleasure, we open ourselves up to say yes to more of what life has to offer.
Eat that bowl of cherries, whoever you are! 😉 We think it looks great on you!
When did lingerie become… a thing? And why, in 2022, do we still wear it? Do we have to look a certain way to “pull it off?” And in order to wear lingerie, do I have to be… enough? Sexy enough, trim enough, having big enough “whatevers” here, and small enough “whatevers” there?
Also, what is body positivity, what is body neutrality, and how can I just happily livewithin this skin I’m in without the nonsense?
Great questions 😉 Welcome to spring, Trystologists!
Yes, April dons National Lingerie Day, and even though the actual date of this holiday is the 25th, we’re going to be discussing lingeriethroughout the month – for some great reasons. Reader, before you comb through the rest of this article, please ask yourself the few questions posed at the beginning, and from your perspective, answer them honestly. We’re in deep, we know, but hang tight – it’ll all make sense in the end!
Did you do it? Mmm-kay, let’s begin…
Lingerie’s closeted history began longer ago than you may think!
Believe it or not, lingerie predates the modern “tighty-whities” our mother’s taught us to change daily by about 300 years, give or take a few. Before the 20th century, men wore pantaloons, women wore pantalettes, and they were often made of two separate pieces of cloth tied together, which is where the modern terminology of “pair” of underwear comes from. Lingerie, however, was a different thing all together.
Yes, Trystologists, this is the actual painting Queen Marie Antoinette was scorned for. Technically, she’s wearing her lingerie! Ms Antoinette, you fox!
The first known “lingerie” was the chemise, made from soft, sheer cotton muslin and often cinched to look like a billowy dress… or a shower curtain. In the late 18th century, historical fashionista Marie Antoinette was said to have many chemises because she so strongly disliked corsets, (ahem… who could blame her?!), and enraged the French courts after an artist agreed to paint the queen in only her nether-bits. The chemise was worn under dresses, yes, but they were also delicate and demure for women of the time.
So why did Marie Antoinette, along with so many others, dislike corsets? Entire rooms, even pieces of furniture, were dedicated to fainting women suffocating under these whale-bone torture machines, pulled tight to accentuate small waists! The corset’s uncomfortable history dates back to the Minoan Empire when they were built for each gender. These corsets didn’t have the same sexy look they do now. They more closely resembled armor, and did a lot of damage to bodies, even though they were meant for supporting “good posture.” Around the 16th century corsets became tighter, and were specifically designed to boast lifted breasts and a tiny waist! Yikes!
Which brings us to our next question. Why is lingerie still a thing, and how has negligee culture changed over the years?
Undergarments have evolved from the intricate, and literally breath-taking caging they once were to an entire world for every one and every occasion. The 20th century gave us the thong, the push-up bra, patten leather and the glamorous pin-up look. From lingerie’s restricting past has sprung a lacier, lighter, more daring and delicate present.
And even though we have more “options” than we did a hundred-some years ago, it’s not just that easy. The lingerie market has been, and still is mainly, advertised only to those who fit a certain societal standard of beauty. I have an issue here, and it’s simply this – I don’t think we wear lingerie to fit a societal standard! At all! I think we wear it for something else completely! I think it varies from person to person, but lingerie can help us embody the beautiful, powerful, and sexy selves we feel empowered by! Wearing it can boost confidence. And it’s meant for everyone, period. If you want to wear lingerie, go for it! In fact, go wild!
If only our confidence, shoot, our brains, worked like that!
Most of us know how self-judgement works… ahem, it’s sneaky! And this gets directly to the root of why I believe we can choose to wear lingerie. Instead of wearing lingerie to match a standard, what if we used lingerie to set our own life standards. Standards that feel good. Like, “Yes. I’m enough. This body is enough. Far beyond enough, in fact. What exists in here deserves every decoration I can give it. Because I. Am. Incredible. And I wear this to remind myself of these facts.”
We LOVE Monique Morin. This lingerie brand is beautiful on every body, and shamelessly celebrates curves! Check out this full Bloodstone set!
OOOoooh, but watch it, Trystology! You’re starting to sound like every other body-positivity channel out there. Yeah, yeah, yeah… I’m great! I still struggle sometimes, and I think that should be fine! This may surprise you, but we agree! Feeling wonderful about everything, all the time is… not realistic. So where did this current body positivity movement come from?
The Body Positive Movement
Here in 2022, we live within a society working hard to accept bodies of every size, age, color and gender, but this movement isn’t new! At all! Many brave people paved the way toward the body-love messaging we enjoy today. It all started in the 1960’s with the founding of the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance (NAAFA), or the ‘Fat Acceptance Movement.’ This is important to note, because at the time, heavier set people were fighting for their civil rights! They believed they shouldn’t have to change, that is was society who should change it’s standard of beauty instead! People wanted correct care from doctors, and wanted the right to celebrate their bodies without shame! That’s 100% fierce, warriors. Thank you!
This movement was also deeply soaked in racial justice. The standard of beauty toted throughout the 60’s was… how do I say… skinny and white! And even though this movement lit a spark, it still took the Western World decades to catch up and we have a way to go! Yes, all bodies are beautiful, and all deserve the right to live, walk, and flaunt confidently. But does this mean everyone should be talking about it on social media, using this hash-tag to gain followers? Even if they already fit society’s old standard? Is this new fad of “loving our bodies” taking away from a movement passionately started by people who were really trying to make a point?!
Enter body neutrality!
What psychologists have found throughout the decades since this movement began resonates with the original message of the movement. Here’s a question for you. Look down at your legs. What do you like about them? Is your answer purely superficial, or do you love your legs for the journey they’ve walked? Do you like/judge their shape because of how they make you look, or are you grateful for their well-being because of what they allow you to do? This is body neutrality. We may like the way our bodies look some days more than others, but we can always be grateful for our health. It’s possible to relish in walking, not because our legs look good, but because it allows us to see the world! We can appreciate our arms for those we’re able to hug! Simple. And we can wear lingerie because it makes us feel good!
What can we say… we told you, we really love Monique Morin! Here’s another gem – the Vertigo set! Comfy, supportive, and SO sexy 😉
Our bodies are like our own personal spaceships. We can decorate them however we want, but the larger WE drives the ship. Thatgreater aspect of ourselves feels, thinks, loves, and is the most important part of who we are. What if we sought out beauty to dress this instead? Cumulatively, wouldn’t we all look and feel better?
Mom’s lingerie wisdom 😉
When I was probably 16, my mom took me bra shopping. Don’t get me wrong, I had underwear and basic bra trainers before this, but I didn’t have a proper bra. Needless to say, this was a big deal! When we got to the mall, we entered Victoria’s Secret, and this time it wasn’t for my mom. It was for me, and I felt terrified. My mother lovingly looked at me and asked, “What do you like?” I didn’t know. I didn’t really look like the models on the wall, and I felt awkward! “Don’t look at them,” she said. “What do you like?”
I browsed. I knew I needed the basics, because I was briefed on the way, so I looked for a simple bra – one that could be worn under anything. One that would hold up, and be comfortable. I shook when I got sized, and finally found the basics I needed. Once I had those new bras in hand, something felt different. I felt feminine, but I still didn’t look like the ladies on the walls.
My mom was waiting for me outside of the dressing room. She looked at my new bras, and told me, “You know, you should get one bra, just because it’s beautiful!” I shyly looked around, and found one. It was gorgeous. Pink lace, push-up, and perfect. I tried it on, and felt amazing. In fact, I felt beautiful! We bought the bras and went back to car. Before we drove home, she glanced over at me.
“Why did I have you get one bra you loved? Who do you think that bra is for?” she asked.
I didn’t know how to answer her! Could I tell her how beautiful I felt? Would she judge me, or give me a sex talk I wasn’t ready for? I stared blankly.
“Honey,” she said, “I had you get that bra for you. The best lingerie you will ever own will be the lingerie you wear for yourself. I wear my best lingerie to celebrate me! When I have a job interview, or I’ve paid all of my bills, or I just wake up feeling less than perfect, lingerie acts as armor. It’s a reminder to me of my beauty inside. I hope it always does the same for you. Because you’re worth it.”
I love this memory with my mom. She’s a wise woman, and only makes more sense the older I get. May her wisdom be enough for every single one of us.
So reader, are you enough for lingerie?
Absolutely, undoubtably, YES! You can decorate your form however you see fit! Does it matter what you look like? Nope. All that matters is that you like you – the you on the inside. Do we want you to love your body? Yes we do. But we want you to love it for the spark it houses. That spark deserves all of our love! And size ain’t got nothin’ to do with it. We promise!
To see what we’ve got cooking at Trystology this month, follow us on Instagram, @Trystology!
Ever heard the old saying, “Age is just a number?” Well, sometimes yes and sometimes no, right?
Welcome back to Trystology Talks, friends! In this article we’re exploring sex and aging – the facts and the myths, all while recognizing the unique journey each of us has walked. Some of us have adventured further along this path than others, and although it can be difficult watching ourselves change and transform as the years roll on, aging is something sacred that unites us all. Our wrinkles represent our pasts, and whether those wrinkles signify our children, our scars, our smiles or our pain, (or all of the above), they’re proof of the paths we’ve walked, and stories we’ve lived. So, does this aging mandate a specific time and place for a sorrowful goodbye to our sexual selves or intimate desires? Do we have to lose our mojo as we age? Simply put, not if we don’t want to!
Now, is there anything wrong with choosing to let it go? Not at all. But as we said before, we all have a unique journey within the skin we’re in. Some may feel completely satisfied without sexual desire in their lives after a certain point while others feel drawn to further exploring their sexuality until they bid they’re last farewell. Either way is perfectly fine, but our goal in writing this is to empower you with good information to choose for yourself!
No matter your age, your body is your first home. It is not separate from you, and fuels whatever life you choose to live. Please love it for everything it is, everything it does, and everything it has allowed and continues to allow you to experience. You. Are. Worth. It.
Always.
So let’s get down to brass tax. What happens to the body and our sexuality as we age?
Beyond age, even gender, the truth is we all share the same primary sex organ. The brain. Is it just a sex organ? We know, no. It orchestrates all bodily function, including aging and regulating our sexual organs.
As our brains age, certain hormone production slows, and that’s all part of life. Let’s face it – we don’t need to reproduce for our whole time here. This is why women experience menopause and men experience lower sex drive. But our ability or inability to reproduce need not dictate our choice to have orgasms as we age! The human orgasm is a cocktail beneficial to the body throughout our lives. Yes, it can boost the immune system. Yes, it can produce hormones providing easier access to joy and happiness. And yes, it can combat high cortisol levels throughout the body, lowering systemic stress, even relieving pain.
So what’s normal for each gender regarding sex and aging?
Women
Women can go through many changes as they age since their unique physiology is designed to house and birth life. A woman may experience changes in her vagina, which can shorten, narrow and become more stiff as the vaginal walls thin, especially if there has been a longer break in sexual activity. Whereas this may cause some painful intercourse, there are ways to navigate this. First, we at Trystology always recommend a water based lube, like Sutil Rich Body Glide, partnered with a simple vibrator. Even if you’ve enjoyed years of partnered bliss, the vibrator can act as a tool to help move lubricant up and around the vaginal wall, encouraging more supple tissue within. This practice can lead to less pain during intercourse, and honestly, boost your confidence that girl… yes you can still have an orgasm!
The Dame Arc is a perfect tool to re-awaken delicate vaginal tissue within. Sex and Aging Tip: Please use a water-based lubricant for insertion. We recommend Sutil, for it also contains hyaluron, the same component in hyaluronic acid that helps rebuild the skin’s surface… just within the vaginal canal 🙂
Also, many women at some point in their lives have either a partial or total hysterectomy. This can mean part of the uterus, the entire uterus, or the uterus and fallopian tubes and ovaries are removed. Does this mean the vagina is gone? No. The clitoris? No. Pleasure centers still exist, and whereas there may be some hormonal changes for sure, this doesn’t mean the end of a fulfilling intimate life with a partner, or solo. If this means hormone therapy for you, you may notice a surprising increase in sexual drive, and this is 100% normal. Our suggestion is with lube and a vibrator, get to know your pleasure centers again with confidence, and don’t write off pleasure if your body is craving more! And please, if these methods don’t work for you, consult your doctor to see what’s possible!
Men
Yes, as men age, some performance issues can arise, (and pssst, that’s normal and okay!). Impotence can be a very real struggle for men, and not just sexually. It can impact a man’s confidence and the way they view themselves throughout their daily lives. Herbal supplements or medications can prove to be helpful, but our first suggestion is this – have the courage to get to know your body again. Some men benefit from using rings, commonly known as “cock rings,” to restrict blood flow within the penis, aiding in longer lasting erections. Some rings also provide vibration to the perineum, which stimulate the prostate from the body’s exterior. Vibration on the penis itself can help with arousal, often times best if low and rumbly. Also, to keep a healthy p-spot, men can use toys designed to stimulate the prostate internally! We know this method isn’t for everyone, but can really boost your overall prostate health and the quality of your orgasm.
The We-Vibe Vector is a perfect tool to explore sex and aging in men. It provides different sensations on the testicles and perineum while adding constriction to the penis – and for the brave of heart, the testicles too!. The entire mechanism vibrates, giving pleasure to any partner looking to saddle up.
Similar to women, some men require surgeries as they age, specifically procedures known as prostatectomys. This surgery is performed to remove the prostate all together, but again, this does not mean a fulfilling sexual life is no longer within reach. If you have questions, check in with yourself first. If the methods stated above don’t work for you, ask your doctor! Theres simply no shame in scheduling an appointment to boost your overall ability to love the skin you’re in.
Our Non-binary Fam
Like I said at the top of the article, sex and aging unite us all. I’ll be frank – the information regarding aging within the non-binary community is specialized. I want to encourage each of you to love the body you’re in, and I want to provide good information for you to do so! This knowledge is admittedly outside of my wheelhouse, but I did find some great information for you to review! Please check out this pdf full of great info, and let us know what you think.
Great question! When anyone goes without intimate pleasure for a period of time, whether that’s two weeks, a month, or multiple years, the body and mind can enter a state of sexual hibernation. This may make the idea of sex seem uninteresting, or just out of reach completely. While this hibernation is a normal response to lack of sex, it can cause rifts in our minds and within our relationships. Does this mean we have to give up? No. We can always come back to our sensual selves, it just may take some effort! In our youth, we are often driven by our sexual needs, and as we age, especially within long-term relationships, we sometimes need to transition from being driven to driving by choice. There can be slow and sweet ways of going about this by simply adding more intimacy into our relationship. Intimacy doesn’t mandate sex – ever. Intimacy for you could be holding hands more often, enjoying walks together, kissing, even snuggling. Re-establishing physical closeness can be a crucial element of keeping our love alive!
To everyone out there, young and young at heart, thank you. Thank you for reading, and thank you for exploring the ways you can love the skin you’re in, no matter your age. Regardless of where we are along this journey of life, its important to check in with ourselves to determine what’s right for us in any given moment. Along this path of sex and aging, we wish you luck, love, and pleasure.
As always, we at Trystology encourage you to Own Your Orgasm! At every age 😉
To stay up to date, please follow us on Instagram @Trystology! We’re here for you, and welcome your feedback, questions, and support!
