It’s unfortunate we don’t have a manual for our bodies as we age, just like it’s unfortunate we don’t have a manual when we are young!  What pleasure we could have experienced, if we had only known!  As we age, however, we already know, for the most part, what we have enjoyed, and it is a cruel thing when our bodies don’t work the way we want them to.  Some people believe that when their bodies stop working, that’s just the way it’s supposed to be, and they give up.  I have found that when women have painful intercourse after menopause, they default to “this must mean that chapter of my life is over”, when that really isn’t the case.  It makes sense that women default to this thinking, because who wants to endure pain and suffering doing something that is meant to be so pleasurable… except for if you’re into pain!  I do, however, believe that when there’s a will, there’s a way, and have found that with care, patience and a choice to make it work, women are able to find their way back to lovemaking and pleasure.

How?  You might ask… I suggest women use a combination of things, and look at this as an “exercise” program.  Thinning tissue, and tightening, or atrophy, can be, in my opinion, remedied with attention to the tissue, exercise, and orgasm.  I recommend women use a water-based lube that has hyaluronan in it, which protects the tissue while it is healing it.  My two favorite are Pjur Med Repair and Sutil Rich, for the water based, and Uberlube for Silicone and vitamin E.  It helps to lubricate the body, when the body sometimes stops lubrication, which can be frustrating.  This doesn’t have to only happen when you’re in your 60’s and beyond… it can happen in your 20’s!  I also recommend using a silicone based lube on your partner, or any internal toy you are using, so as to increase viscosity, and assist with the ease of lovemaking.  This also helps with not having to re-apply, as many water-based lubes can need to have reapplication. 

For the exercise portion, depending on the level of discomfort, a woman might need to start with the lubricant and a finger, for massaging the tissue.  She can then move to a small vibrator, which for this case I recommend the Leaf Vitality, because it has a very small leaf on one side, and a fuller leaf on the other, and they vibrators can be used internally either way, so start small, with the thinner vibration inside, and the fuller side on the clitoris. You can then use the vibration to help stimulate the tissue, and assist in achieving an orgasm with clitoral stimulation as well.  As each woman exercises the tissue and vagina through massage and orgasm, the body is starting to respond naturally and contract and release fluids.  Through this practice, a woman should be able to regenerate the tissue, and begin to open up to begin interacting with her partner and enjoy lovemaking again.

For men, however, so much of masculinity can be wrapped up in the erection and performance during lovemaking.  It can be a difficult thing when erections fail us, no matter what age we are.  However, the same thing applies to men as it does to women, that many people simply shut down, thinking this chapter of our lives is over, when the male partner experiences ED, erectile disfunction. Erectile disfunction can happen for many reasons.  Medications tend to be a major cause, however exercise or lack thereof, diet and many other things assist in causing this.  There is no reason, however to simply shut down and act as though this chapter is over. 

Many people use Viagra, however I have many customers who ask “What can we do that isn’t Viagra”… I recommend a couple of things. First of all, we have a book called The Hardness Factor, that goes into many different options one might have to help regain and maintain erections.  In addition, I’ve had a number of customers in the late 60’s and 70’s who recommend vibration on the penis and testicles as a way to have an erection, and we recommend using a ring, like the Tantus Soft Ring to maintain the erection.  These rings are used to restrict the blood flow, help with engorgement and assist in helping them last longer.  Whether you use a simple ring like the Soft Ring, or one more advance with vibration like the Je Joue Mio or Hot Octopuss Atom or Plus, the effect is the same.

Aging does not need to stop us form having incredible, intimate sex throughout our lives.  My grandmother lived to 101 and had a 96 year old partner, and they enjoyed intimacy and lovemaking throughout her life.  We may have to adjust, and evolve our lovemaking style, and find new ways to enjoy pleasure, but remember, changing and adjusting is a choice.  Just because we are no longer 28, doesn’t mean we don’t deserve all the pleasure and intimacy we enjoyed then!  Find ways to evolve and enjoy, just the way you are right now! And if you need help or advice to figure out what’s right for you, don’t hesitate to reach out and ask.  Roylin is available for a private consultation!

Roylin Downs is owner of Trystology, which has been supporting women and couples since 2009 with advice and tools to own their sexuality and enhance their relationships.