What does sexual health mean to you? Yes, it’s Trystology here, asking our readers to join as we explore the incredibly vast topic of sexual health. Is it ‘safe sex’ defined by condoms or diaphragms? For those who are single, is it regular STI testing? For our honeyed-up crowd, is it loyalty? Regularity? What exactly is sexual health, and how could it be the same for everyone? Better yet, can it be boiled down to one thing for anyone, or is sexual health inherently more spectral?
This week I’ve taken to asking a slew of folks about what sexual health means to them, but every answer led me back to my own question.
I found myself alone asking, what does sexual health mean… to me? And since I probably don’t know you, I’m realizing all I have is my story, my journey, and how my idea of sexual health has changed over the years. My journey will be different than yours. Perhaps you will find parallels, pieces you agree with and things you don’t, and that’s perfect. To me, sexual health involves a regal, confident, and free mindset. One of knowing you are deserving of the pleasure your body has in store for you, and that no one, no thing, no situation, and no trauma has the ability to rob you of that without your explicit permission. What do I mean?
Well, without further ado, this road starts with my first partnered orgasm.
Wish me luck, ‘cuz here we go.
I, like many cisgender females I know, did not have an orgasm the first time I had sex. Nor the second. In fact, it took so long to happen I was convinced I was doing something wrong. Condoms? Check. My young attempt at being sexy? Check. Clean, and smelling good? Check. But I just couldn’t get there. I felt alone, and that feeling further prolonged my orgasm’s arrival. Not only that, I faked it. Not just sometimes, but every time. I recalled some elder female once telling me how important it was for men to feel powerful and successful in bed, and the last thing I wanted was to make anyone feel like as much of a failure as I felt I was.
Then, one magical day, it happened.
Now before you go thinking I was with some Romeo, let me assure you, I was not. It happened almost randomly. After nearly a year of sexual activity, I remember hearing a voice deep within telling me to let go. It fascinated me. I didn’t know what I was letting go of, but I just took a breath and followed the thought toward my first feeling of partnered ecstasy. This was also my first brush with sexual health. Simply put, having the courage to ‘let go.’
As the years and a few partners elapsed, orgasming never came easily to me. Somehow the words of that elder woman stayed, like gum in hair or oil in water. No matter the encounter, I always prioritized my partner, never myself. Sexual health and/or success was only achieved when the person I loved was happily snoozing away. This belief got me into some dangerous situations, as I never learned how to stand in my power. Honestly, I didn’t know it was an option. Yet, even after rape, abusive relationships, assault, lies, and general nonsense, that same voice would appear every so often saying, sometimes screaming, ‘let go, LET GO’ but let go of what, I still couldn’t pinpoint.
It wasn’t until my thirties I started to piece it together.
What was I letting go of? I’ll tell you. I had to release my bad habit of seeing myself as second to the world around me. This realization truly blew my mind. I was, am, and will always be deserving of the pleasure that exists beneath my skin. Outside of it too. Period.
So what changed?
Honestly, my current partner. Every so often life presents us with magnificent teachers. Many of them exist here at Trystology, but mine sauntered into my life four years ago. By the time we met, my mind and body had endured a lot. So had his, yet he had the courage and endurance to stand by my side as I stepped into my sexual power for the first time.
He asked questions about what I liked, and assured me he was willing to support, not shame me. I was so shy at the time, I could barely squeak out, “I don’t know,” but lovingly, he continued to ask. He showed me the door to seeing myself as more. More deserving, less ashamed. More empowered, less small. More me, less of a people pleaser. In return, holding him has never felt like a chore or job. Just the opposite, in fact. It feels like an honor, and somewhere along the way, sexuality became ours, not just his or mine.
Officially, what is sexual health?
I still think it varies. This story is just one of infinite stories, but I do believe the root of sexual health and wellbeing is knowing you deserve the unique pleasure waiting beneath your skin. You don’t have to be pretty or handsome enough, smart enough, wise enough, none of that crap. Simply living makes you enough. And whereas my partner inspired a change, that change was always available to me. Partnered or not. However, I alone had to step through that door to brave what was waiting on the other side. What I found was freedom, movement, and a version of me I’d never met. I was strong, sensual, and confident once I let my chains go. Proudly, I still am.
So hey you, person I’ve never met…
You deserve your body and everything it has in store for you.
Perhaps you don’t feel this way right now, but you do. You deserve partners who make you feel safe. You deserve a life second to none. You deserve whatever you deem healthy sexuality to be. Period.
In celebration of health, we’ve decided to feature some of the best lingerie Trystology has to offer. We carry beautiful sets by Monique Morin and Bracli, perfect for any occasion to beautifully flaunt exactly who you are.
Since working for Trystology, my wisdom and confidence has only grown, and in writing these blogs, we hope yours has too.
An orgasm a day, Trystology?! Really?! Isn’t that a bit… much?
No. Because you are worth all of you.
Always.
Also, still use protection. It’s important. 😉
