Category Archives: Books and DVD

MANhood From A Different Perspective… My Own

I am a man. But for a long time, I didn’t know what being a man meant for me. Not that I was too young to enter manhood, rather filled with too much shame, doubt, and a zeal for perfection above all else – not to mention, an abundance of misinformation about what being a man even was! When it came to sex, I also struggled from the same setbacks. Maybe you have, too. And if you have, welcome!

Conversely, if as a man, you vehemently reject the idea that manhood has it’s struggles, well, read on, because I’m talking to you as well.

Honestly, there’s a distinction that I want to make about what being a man means.

**There’s a narrative about men — the label of man — that is restrictive.**

We often acknowledge this narrow definition, assuming that men don’t talk; men brag. Men don’t share; men take. Men don’t feel; men manage. Really? That seems to be a narrow definition of what it means to be a man. In fact, the stereotypical definition of “man” hardly includes any men I know whatsoever. The majority, even if they deny or hide it, are more nuanced, more flawed, more vulnerable.

Embracing manhood can be another hurdle.

I think being a man is taking responsibility, having integrity, caring for others, and most importantly, caring for oneself.

Let me list some of the ways in which I thought I wasn’t a man… Couldn’t get an intense, 5-hour erection? Not a man. Couldn’t make my partner climax? Not a man. Didn’t make a ridiculous amount of money or come from some rich family? Not a man. Lacking stability? Not a man. Cried at a commercial? You get it… (That last one may seem absurd to you, but there is a Coors Light Commercial that for some reason just pulls at my manstrings and makes me cry — well, I should say that I come to the brink of crying, but given that the commercial is only fifteen seconds long, I don’t have enough time to produce tears.)

Needless to say, my younger self was confused in two major ways:

I felt that I wasn’t a man given the popularized, narrow, and harrowing definition, and;
I hadn’t yet learned to be man, in the sense of existing with confidence as myself

So I needed to do two things; expand my definition of man, and embrace my responsibility of living up to that broadened definition.

*The Multi-Orgasmic Man* is a wonderful resource for men looking to broaden their sexual manhood, confidently!

Ironically, what was actually holding me back was revealing and exposing what I thought made me less than a man: my vulnerability, imperfections, speaking clearly, asking for what I needed, and showing up for myself… not just for my partner.

When I was very young, in high school, I had a sexual experience with an older girl. It was my first sexual experience. We made out, and I used my fingers to please her for 45 minutes. It was relatively innocent but the next week at school, I felt immense shame as if I had done something wrong or was inadequate. My immediate fear was not being good enough, even though I only tried to please her. Maybe I let her down, or didn’t prove how manly I was in the moment, or worse yet, be laughed at by her friends. At that moment, however, I was living within the expectation of what I thought “being a man,” meant.

Men are supposedly stoic and ultra confident, so should I have been that?! I was not, and judged myself for not only letting her down, but for letting myself down, too. Sure, there are some men who express stoicism and ultimate confidence — though I have my doubts as to what extent it’s genuine — but all men have ups and downs, good days and bad, fears and desires, and intense emotions. Yep, almost sounds like women! Isn’t that weird? Men and women with similarities? That’s crazy!

The more we hear that men are from some strange, barren planet, the more we believe it. No, women aren’t from another planet, and neither are men or the non-binary community! We’re all from Earth!

In any case, I assumed that I was not a person who need to succumb to my desires. I could do without sexual pleasure. That’s life! That manifested later when I dated a woman for four years, and for the last two years — TWO YEARS — of our relationship, we didn’t have sex (a very bad idea for prostate cancer risk, as explained here). That’s life, right?! That’s what it means to be with someone. You sacrifice everything, including your pleasure, and you sure as hell don’t bring it up! You take it like a man, as they say.

What I didn’t ask myself for a long time was how I could, as a man, be a good lover to myself.

It sounds like a strange question, perhaps. In fact, if that question seems like a contradiction to what it means to be a man, you’re not alone. You may think that if you’re caring, you’re merely covering your bases. That if you could make your partner happy, your happiness cup was automatically filled, too. I operated from this belief and left myself out of the equation. I didn’t understand how I could ensure my sexual pleasure while engaging with a partner? It’s fundamental to pleasing both you and your partner.

Deep down, I felt that I was just not good enough. But maybe, maybe if I gave my partner enough orgasms over the course of a 1-hour sex marathon, well maybe then, I would be good enough. Pressure? Sure, there’s pressure, but that’s what a man does, right?! Lives in constant pressure to be tough, perfect, strong, and devoid of any major emotions or emotional breakdowns.

Some people may call this sort of thing armor. I like that imagery, because armor is a literal heavy burden to bear. But even more, I like the idea that it was my representative showing up, not me. Hello! I’m Alex, the cool guy. I charm and tell jokes. I’ll make you laugh. I make you feel wanted and sexy. I... well, I represent Alex, the flawed human who has too much fear and shame to show up for himself. He’s dealing with depression and meaninglessness almost all the time, so he sends me instead. Will you ever see him, you ask? Not unless he has a mental breakdown and pushes me out of the way. But what does it matter if you see him? I’m perfect in every possible way!

The problem with having the representative show up for you is the real you gets bottled up, resentful, unfulfilled, angry, and hurt.

And then, you end up doing things that hurt you and your partner. I’ve lied about petty things. Lost my integrity. Said I was okay with things when I wasn’t.

I’m in a new place now, though I hesitate to say that it’s entirely stable — there’s always doubts and questions.

**Manhood is taking responsibility for your pleasure and your commitment to your partner.**

There’s you, there’s your partner, and there’s the shared interaction that you’re having. All three need to work. All three need attention. Yes, even men are worthy of pleasure. Men can state their needs, ask for what they want, receive consent, and encourage their partners to do the same. Because guess what? Most men, (more appropriately, most people), are incredibly nervous about revealing their sexuality to others.

The Hardness Factor measures a man’s health through the quality of his erection – perhaps the greatest male motivator for better living (more so than fear of cancer, heart attack, or stroke). This book asks, ‘Can men be hard and in shape for sex their entire lives?’ The answer is, absolutely. Here for the first time are scientific, evidence based regimens – emphasizing nutrition, supplements, and exercise – to increase erectile quality.

Friends have often come to me for advice about “manhood” because I have been open about my sexual experiences. It’s amazing how many men want to have a conversation about their experiences when I’m vulnerable enough to share my inadequacies. There’s just not a lot of safe spaces for men to have that sort of conversation. I hold a space for men to discuss their “manhood” in a way that isn’t self-congratulatory, but rather vulnerable, and “here’s what I’ve learned.”

Often we men feel as if we can be one of two things: a selfish asshole or a nice guy.

A selfish asshole takes what he wants and a nice guy gives everything to others. Surprisingly, both are eager to make everything about themselves. The selfish asshole is obviously out for himself, afraid to show more than what is necessary for a transactional moment. The nice guy attempts to cover any imperfections, hoping to appear incredible in bed, hoping for his partner to validate that he is worthy of having someone. Both, however, are rooted in the same broken idea of one’s self and what it means to be a sexual man.

I was the “nice guy,” and I’m still getting over it.

When I was at university, I worked with an incredibly attractive young woman who was mysterious, elusive, and out of my league (a concept I can get into another time because it’s bullshit). Anyway, I flirted with her in a way that was always reserved, always having my representative showing up for me. Astonishingly, she liked me, though she was wildly difficult to read (she had her own issues as well, as it turns out, just like everyone on Earth). She was my date for a wedding and we ended up at her place afterward. I was so nervous to perform and please her that I couldn’t get an erection. Frankly, it felt like a test. A test of my manhood. And I was failing! And as soon as that thought got into my head, it didn’t leave. What was wrong with me?

I had performance anxiety, period. There’s a lack of research out there, but performance anxiety affects somewhere between 9-25% of men. (Here’s a decent article from WebMD detailing performance anxiety, which may answer more questions, if you’ve got them.) The bottom line is this: beyond gender binaries, the brain is everyone’s primary sexual organ, and if it’s not working, not much else will. It was my perception of how I was being perceived, not how I was showing up for myself and my partner. Of course it can be nerve-wracking to engage in sexual activity with somebody, but it’s also supposed to be pleasurable for everyone involved.

Personally, I have two recommendations for you if you’re discovering the man you want to be in bed…

First, find out what you like!

Do you really want to show up for your partner? Show up for yourself. You’ll be surprised that your partner wants you to feel good, too, believe it or not. Ask yourself what you want. How do you enjoy pleasure? What gets you off?

If you’re having trouble answering those questions, investigate. Take it upon yourself to know what you like. A great way is masturbation. Try out more than just your hand. And it’s not just about your dick, either. There’s incredible products out there to help you discover what feels good. Here’s some that may intrigue you:

The Je Joue Mio is made of high quality silicone. It provides restriction for staying power and vibration for a rumbly ride!

Masturbation is not a shameful act. It’s a pleasurable act that ideally happens in the safety of a judgment free zone. You may have to work on creating that judgment free zone for yourself. Talking with a therapist can help, or even joining a men’s group.

**Second, talk to your partner.**

A real man, hell, a good person, can hold space and have a difficult conversation about sex. Explain what you want. Ask what your partner wants. Having that conversation during a sexual interaction may not be the best time, so, be a man (in the very real sense of this blog) and bring it up when it isn’t easy. Have a conversation that is scary, that may bring up disagreement, that may leave you feeling vulnerable.

*Learning Good Consent* is an extremely helpful, ethical, and conversational book! Whether entering manhood, womanhood, or something less binary, Cindy Crabb navigates this sometimes awkward topic with poise and grace. For that, this book is always a Trystology favorite!

Communication is key to good sex. As a man, it’s okay to ask for what you want. But remember to listen as well.

In the end, what does manhood mean to me?

Are you a man? Am I? Well, I have two answers to that. Yes, I am a man (one who happens to paint his toenails blue), but I’m also still learning what showing up as a man means especially with a sexual partner. For me, being a man is both a fact and an ongoing process. One part of that process is discovering where my feelings come from. Society and culture sure play a role, but there’s always more to the story; life, parents, friends, experiences. This is where I’m at and I still have progress to make (and oh my, am I still imperfect).

I hold space for others but still struggle to hold the same space for myself. Yes, I’m still becoming my definition of the “man” I want to be, and encourage you do to the same! You, too, may find your vulnerabilities and imperfections have made you a better man already. Sharing those tender bits, authentically, only brings those we love closer, all while bringing us closer to ourselves.

To all men dedicated to finding their confidence, redefining manhood, and/or deepening their relationships with themselves and others, you’re not alone. It’s just another life journey, so keep going! Just remember – be yourself!

Curious what else we have going on? Follow us @Trystology

The Art of Receiving Pleasure: How to Own Your Orgasm and Mental Health

Welcome back, Trystologists! May is here, spring has sprung, and summer is just around the corner!

To our dedicated readers, we know it’s been a while since our last post, and we’re going discuss why. See, we’ve been changing, shifting, and taking some much needed time to assess our mental well-being. There’s not much of it left, but May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and Trystology has a question for you…

How good are you at receiving?

Big question, right? We receive a lot as a collective on any given day. Most of us get mail, compliments, criticisms, internet, phone calls, texts, commercials and streaming daily. Perhaps in 2022, many of us “receive” too much! But is this the kind of receiving we’re talking about?

Not at all. What we want to know this:

How are you at receiving intimate pleasure, and how does that behavioral function show itself in other areas of your life?

If you’re a care-giver, people-pleaser, or really struggle to set healthy boundaries, you may have just spit out your coffee… We get it! Receiving pleasure is a common struggle, especially if it’s something you don’t feel you deserve. And that thought can be sneaky as all hell! It’s so sneaky, in fact, we may not even realize we struggle to receive until, (oops!), a partner wants to give us oral pleasure! Or maybe a big show of affection makes us feel crippling guilt and stress! Or perhaps, when it comes to sexuality and intimacy, asking for what we want feels so impossible because we don’t know how to trust, or truly be vulnerable.

Sounding familiar? Yeah… well, guess what? Us too! Again, this shit is common and sneaky. And before you continue reading, let us say this.

There’s nothing wrong with you. In fact, say it out loud right now, “There’s nothing wrong with me!”

Good… Take a breath. 😉

Now, it’s admittedly difficult for any of us to take care of our mental health in a world of so much distraction, or find time to be “in the mood.” I consider life to be a full-contact sport. All of us want to play the field, but how can we be in the game if we can’t keep our eye on the ball? And where’s the ball? Well, I think the “ball” is this present moment. Welcome to it.

Sometimes, when we find ourselves back here, we enter the present only to find the messes we left last time we visited, then run out as quickly as possible. But guess what? Our pleasure, our pleasure, deserves more from us. Sometimes we’ve gotta check in and clean house, so here are three tips we hope help along the journey.

The Art of Receiving: How to Own Your Orgasm and Mental Health

Finding the Fantasy

Here in 2022, many of us are stuck in the quick orgasm loop. I’m certainly not saying consistent orgasms aren’t good for the mind, body, and soul, because here at Trystology we’re all about owning our orgasms, and inspiring others to do the same! But beyond the physical cocktail of the human orgasm exists the fantasy, the feeling – the deeper script.

So what do I mean by being stuck in a loop? Well, many of us, when fantasizing during self-pleasure, rely on scripts of polarity to get there fast then be on our merry way. In other words, the raunchier, the better. Whereas there’s nothing wrong with however you fantasize, what if we took more time to really ask ourselves what we crave, then gave ourselves to permission languish and basque in a present moment with ourselves? What might we find by receiving pleasure more intentionally?

I can say from experience this exercise is notably difficult for me. Being present with my body, even in pleasure, can bring up memories I’ve practiced avoiding. Vulnerability can be terrifying, but it makes for necessary space to let go of the things that weigh us down. A great friend once told me, “Our minds and spirits bounce around from past to future, while our bodies are the only extension of ourselves truly trapped here in the present moment.” They were right. When our stress levels sky rocket, our hearts take the beating. When we’re not paying attention, bumps and bruises pop up. Pleasure helps bring us back here, eye on the ball, back in the game!

*Getting Off ,* by Jamye Waxman is a great place for any female to explore what receiving pleasure means for them. It’s full of tips and tricks, along with helpful diagrams and illustrations. Looking to explore? Get yours today!

Even though this exercise of consistently checking in with my body, specifically my fantasies, brought challenges, I quickly started to see how I sacrifice my own pleasure in other areas of my life. A lot of the time, I just accept discomfort. Blindly. No question. For some of us, discomfort has been such a common occurrence, it almost feels safe… or predictable, at least.

WE’RE HERE TO SAY YOU CAN CHANGE THAT!

Your imagination is powerful, people. You can use it to receive pleasure in a variety of ways, starting today… so what’s holding you back?

True Consenting Adults

So now you’ve spent some quality alone time. Now what? You want to share with your partner, yet still feel uncomfortable, nervous, or flat out scared. Here’s where true vulnerability comes into play. Many of us view consent as, “Partner, may I please ______,” followed by a simple, “Yes.” This is a great place to start, but as our sexualities unfold and develop over time, this ask can start to feel shallow and robotic.

Eventually, each of our unique “consents” deepen, and carry with them attachments to feelings and trust. What is everyone’s major sex organ? Our brain! Arousal starts there for everyone! So how can any of us practice receiving pleasure from partners if we’re battling major fear or anxiety, while possibly even suffering silently?

By using our voice. By being vulnerable. And by telling the truth.

*Playing Well With Others*, by Lee Harrington and Mollena Williams, is a great guide for anyone looking for a walk on the wilder side. Great writing, honest accounts, and truly helpful hints.

Will this always a clean or painless process? No, but only because you’re getting out what has caused pain for so long. I have personally experienced anxiety ridden intimacy for most of my life. It’s only in the last few years of my life I’ve gained the courage to say, “I am afraid. I’m afraid I’m not enough, and I don’t know how to let go. I don’t know how to receive pleasure.” Sex, or the option to have sex, would spin my mind so hard, I felt I had to assume a whole new character to transform into my “sexy self.” That’s a lot of pressure for many people who are new to receiving pleasure! So share your struggles. Share how you are feeling, and work to trust yourself and your boundaries enough to let go.

Pleasure comes when the static of panic and stress fade. Believe, go slow, and be kind. Set up moments throughout intimate time with your partner to take breaks and check in. Let them know your goals – that you want to be present and learn how to receive. Address anxieties or fears as they arise, and allow your partner to physically be there for you. You may be delighted by the response!

“But what if I’m single?!“

Great question. Practice showing yourself every ounce of love you crave! Be the best to attract the best. By choosing to receive pleasure in your life, you actively teach the world how you wish to be treated. So don’t hold back!

REPEAT!

Step three is nothing new, but it may be the most important of these steps. Repeat! Practice! Commit! Because here’s the truth – many of us struggle with to receive pleasure because we were deeply hurt. To every reader, if this includes you, I am sending you all of my love right here and now. Trust is not easy. Your life, however, is worth your healing, worth your pain, and certainly worth your pleasure!

Is everything going to improve right away? No. Will it be easy all the time? No. But will you start to notice your life getting better? Yes, you will. You’ll see yourself just as deserving of pleasure as everyone else!

*The Come As You Are,* book *and* workbook by Emily Nagoski are extremely helpful for those of us who need a little nudge. This beautifully presented package encourages participants to honestly admit how they see themselves now while working toward a better future!

Here at Trystology we encourage you to view receiving pleasure, abundance, and safety as your birth right! Because it is. Our sexualities reflect deep aspects of our being, and when we learn to advocate for our own physical pleasure, we open ourselves up to say yes to more of what life has to offer.

Eat that bowl of cherries, whoever you are! 😉 We think it looks great on you!

Craving more? Follow us on Instagram @Trystology

How to Manifest the Threesome of Your Dreams

Once upon a snowy night, I had a threesome.

It was the stuff of dreams, and so long ago I only remember pieces. Embraces here, sighs there, hands on the crook of my hip, all followed by myriad feelings and ah-ha moments I’m still grateful for – freedom, shared self-respect, joyful consent, and a deep recognition of human beauty which surpassed anything I’d felt before. I’ve grappled with how to say this for years, probably because I’ve feared the shame of sharing, but truth be told the experience made me better! I became a better lover, more compassionate to myself, and more empathetic to the love other couples share in and out of the bedroom. This recognition of beauty opened my eyes to the intangible energy of beauty that exists within us all. So if you’re curious about whether or not a threesome is right for you, Trystology is here to help!

Now, is everyone’s first intimate, multi-person experience like this example? No, and that’s exactly why we’re using it to kick off this March 3rd, National Threesome Day! (And if you cocked your head to the side reading ‘National Threesome Day,’ yes, it’s a real thing and we didn’t make it up!) There’s a lot to demystify when it comes to the world of multi-person play of any kind. So in light of the day, Trystology is here to hopefully give you helpful tools to navigate turning this fantasy into reality, realistically!

I think it’s only responsible to include a disclaimer here:

Having threesomes does not make you better or worse at sex, more or less experienced, and certainly not more or less sexy! It’s simply an experience we can choose to take part in, or not! No one moment in any of our lives define us. A close friend reminded me just today that life is a long, complicated journey, taking many twists and turns, highways and detours. The whole painting makes us who we are, and we’re always free to add more paint! So please, read responsibly. Here at Trystology we value sex positivity in all its expressions, and believe us, it’s a vast spectrum! Our goal is making you feel safe, sexy, confident, and beautiful within the skin, heart and mind you inhabit. Do you need a threesome to get there? Absolutely not! But if you feel a threesome is right for you, read on!

Ah – one more thing. Yes, Trystology is full of sex educators of all kinds, but we’re just humans striving to live life on our terms the very best we can. This comes from a few perspectives, and doesn’t claim to speak truth to everyone. Take what resonates and leave the rest! YOU know you best!

Alright, let’s dive in… what is a threesome?!

I wish I could provide a clear cut answer to this question, but the truth is, I can’t. I don’t mean to disappoint, but here’s why. Yes, we can agree the term threesome involves three consenting individuals, but does this necessarily mean nudity or intercourse? Well, no. As we begin exploring dream threesomes, I think it’s important to acknowledge that multi-person play can happen in a variety of ways.

In her book The Ultimate Guide to Threesomes, Stella Harris writes that especially if it’s your first threesome, “it can be a great idea to start small. There doesn’t need to be nudity or genitally focused sex acts for a threesome to be fun.”

We *highly* recommend this book to anyone looking to create the threesome right for them!

She makes a great point here! Our seasoned readers know all too well that true intimacy surpasses the physical act of sex! It involves establishing safety and trust, knowing our bodies, setting our boundaries, and establishing great communication to truly allow ourselves the brain space to receive pleasure. Can a threesome include all parties participating in intercourse? Yes, but couldn’t it also manifest as an intimate massage? Snuggling? Strip games, or simply making out? Yes, yes, yes, and yes!

The Safety of the Set Up

It’s always first, isn’t it? The fact is this can be a really big decision requiring planning and patience, but can also happen on a whim! And even though many of our fantasies include this out-of-the blue rendezvous, we are here to inform you that the random hook-up is rare, people! It just is. I think many people feel that if there’s too much planning involved the sexiness fades, when that certainly doesn’t have to be true! Where there’s a will, there’s a way, so trust your gut. Here’s how we recommend doing this safely.

First, communication is key.

There are lot of reasons to have a threesome, and many reasons not to, so please marinate on this for a while. Some great reasons to seek a threesome could include living out fantasies, trying something new with a partner or friend, meeting new people intimately, or even confronting jealousy or possessiveness! However, threesomes can’t fix what may feel like a broken relationship, and should never be used as a form of revenge. Our sexuality is precious, and when we are injured or injure others within this realm, the hurt resonates deeply and can carry on for many years. When done with integrity, the joy can last for just as long. Our tip? Make sure you’re sound in your decision and that all parties involved are game.

Second, allow yourself to trust everyone involved.

Here in 2022, there are many great sites to plan hook-ups like Adult Friend Finder, Fet Life, and 3Fun, or you could party with people you already know! However, when seeking your dream threesome, ask the questions that are most important to you while allowing others to do the same. What do I mean? I’m so glad you asked! Let’s say you’re in a relationship and looking for a third to horizontal hokey-pokey. Are you okay with your partner kissing someone else? What is their comfortability with you doing the same? Are you looking to invite a man, a woman, or someone non-binary? Which positions have you pictured in your fantasies? Knowing what’s comfortable and what isn’t is vitally important here!

If you’re single, how do you see the threesome of your dreams? Do you want to know these people after the deed, or are you simply looking for the experience by itself? Get specific! Write it all down! And let yourself fantasize! I’ve said for years that sex is wonderfully weird. I’ve had some straaaange sex dreams that left me waking up, craving pizza. All I’m saying is the flow of our thoughts is unpredictable at best, but very informative! Listen and tune into yourself to find what works for you without shame or guilt!

Last, use protection and don’t feel weird asking potential partners about their sexual health.

Need some condoms? We’ve got you covered! Lovability condoms are made from high-quality, long-lasting latex, and the packaging is great!

There are ways to conduct these conversations with kindness. You could start by opening up about your own sexual health, and go from there! We feel comfortable speaking about our health in every other way! The truth is, stigmas surrounding sexual health keep people in cycles of either catching STI’s or judging others who have them all because they lack good information. Save yourself the stress – ask and share.

Minding Manners

Believe it or not, this topic is so incredibly vast, multiple thick books and articles have been written about it. This is just one more in a wide sea of information, and we still highly suggest reading from some pros, like Stella Harris! That said, let’s talk etiquette. And guess what… we’re talking about honesty and boundaries!

Yes, lovers, your honesty is an aspect of basic politeness.

In order to achieve the threesome of your dreams, honesty is crucial. How can you expect honesty from a group if you’re not showing up honestly yourself? Every successful threesome story I’ve heard involves all people getting their needs met, and that doesn’t happen by magic. Discussing our needs, fantasies, hard yeses and clear no’s can play into the sexiness and success of great threesomes! Also, whatever boundaries you and your partners set need to be respected at all times. Everyone’s major is sex organ is their big, juicy brain. If that brain doesn’t feel safe or respected, it’s a no-O-go! (See what I did there?)

The greatest joys of threesomes come when all involved are comfortable and relaxed! Provide snacks and beverages, negotiate how to take breaks, and make comfortable space! This extra time and courtesy can yield true partnered ecstasy, great orgasms, and maybe some great snuggled sleep! Like anything else, if you’re hosting, we urge you to be a good host! If you’re a guest, be a great guest! Some light food, beverages, and great music are great ingredients to get the night going.

Lastly, should we expect the threesome to be perfect?

Should we expect to have the greatest orgasm ever, and if we don’t, deem the experience a huge mistake? No. When we start discussing multi-person play, I personally believe we should emphasize sensuality over overt sexuality. There’s an element of trial and error to any first intimate encounter, so of course there will be when another person is added to the mix. Whether we’re talking sweet caressing or steamy, more time-consuming BDSM, a threesome can be quite the experience! We should feel free to revel in all parts of it. Feel each other. Luxuriate in each other by recognizing that you are a part of beauty itself. Then joyfully recognize, so are they.

Do Unicorns Exist in Real Life?

Yes they do! This guy may not be the usual suspect, but who knows! Stella Harris defines unicorns like this: “Generally, any third in a threesome scenario. Initially coined to refer to an attractive bisexual woman who would join a couple to fulfill their fantasies while not having needs of her own, and who would then go her own way. Termed unicorn because such people don’t exist.” A lot to unpack here, but this definition gives us a lot of important information to go off of.

Unicorns are people with needs too!

I think it’s important Harris defined unicorn in this way. Many seeking a dream threesome as a couple think their unicorns won’t have needs of their own, or that their role is limited to giving the couple the pleasure they crave. Consent reigns as the ruler of all sexual encounters, and a threesome is no different. Everyone is there, everyone deserves the pleasure of the moment! Fair, right? Right. Now, are all unicorns looking for an orgasm? Not necessarily. Just like threesomes are difficult to clearly define, the roles of unicorns can be too. Really, it’s whatever consenting adults agree to.

Another important point – do all threesomes have a unicorn? NO! Sometimes three people can just agree to have a great time! I think the name of the threesome game is expanding your view of sexuality, and enjoying the ride!

So how did my snowy night end?

Wonderfully, all because of how it began. I was blessed to have amazing partners who ensured comfortability, respect, sensuality, and safety. By the time we were finished, we all giggled and snuggled sweetly. I can’t speak for them, but the threesome almost felt like an out of body experience. It was as if we were dancing in the stars. Was it hot? Hell yes! I didn’t worry about my imperfections once, which came as a shock. Deep down, I still thought I had to be enough for good sex, or to even be considered attractive. I compared myself to every person I considered beautiful, and always felt just out of reach. Almost enough, but not quite. I didn’t yet realize great intimacy could be available to everyone! Two incredible human beings changed that for me. I’m thankful for their gorgeous selves and souls to this day. Their support, sweetness, and loving willingness to play actually changed my life. Since that night I have loved my body and spirit more by judging them less. You know who you are, and I will never forget you. I send you silent smiles often and hope you receive them, only to find yourselves smiling out of the blue.

Good luck out there, lovers! We at Trystology wish you safety, joy, acceptance, beauty and a very Happy National Threesome Day! Something to note – other than defining the term unicorn, this article was intentionally written to be genderless. The threesome of your dreams won’t be the same as others, but we all experience intimacy, touch, arousal and fantasy. May we all revel in the skin we’re in! Period!

Curious about what else we’re up to? Follow us on Instagram! @Trystology

The Many Loves of Polyamory Explained

Welcome to Trystology Talk, where we shamelessly discuss sexuality in all of its expressions!

This month we open the roundtable to polyamory!

November 23rd is National Polyamory Day, and this hot topic has many thrilled, and others flat-out scared and confused. In 2021 we’re seeing celebrities from Bella Thorne to Will and Jada Pinkett-Smith proudly claim their polyamorous natures, sites dedicated hook-ups, and a portion of our society bucking against the societal norms of “traditional” marriage and partnership… which for some is incredibly uncomfortable. But why? And of course, what is polyamory, and what is it not?

If you’ve followed this blog for a while, you may know I’m a fan of words and their meanings, so let’s break down the word polyamory before we dive any further…

Poly-amory is literally defined as many loves, hence the title The Many Loves of Polyamory Explained.

It’s important to note the absence of the word “sex” here. I say this because our society often times hears polyamorous as synonymous with sexual deviancy, irresponsibility, or something inherently sneaky, which couldn’t be further from the truth. Whereas there’s no one way to be poly, (and there’s certainly no one right way to do it), the world of polyamory requires communication and consent above all else. It may surprise you to know polyamory requires its own ethics – a deep knowing of self, and a willingness to explore the individual ownership of our complex emotions, needs, and desires. Sounds healthy in comparison to the general assumption, doesn’t it?

Side note, I think it’s important to highlight one more thing before we expose the goods.

This blog is dedicated to shamelessly giving everyone the permission to enjoy the pleasure of their human experience. Beautifully so, we all share different expressions of this “being-ness.” This article is not written to convince the world that all people are poly, just as this blog is not written to convince anyone they’re gay, lesbian, bi, trans, queer, heterosexual, asexual, male, female, or non-binary. These articles are written to expose our community to the vastness which makes us human. Period. My personal fascination with human sexuality is rooted in a deep awe of our collective ability to create something out of nothing.

To me, sexuality encompasses ultimate creativity. Viewing it as such has allowed me to see, know, and love aspects of myself and my own creations with more honor, respect, and compassion than I ever thought possible. It’s to this end we write, we educate, and we present Trystology as a safe space for everyone. That said, let’s carry on.

We’ll start by taking a more fluid approach to another word – commitment.

This word can feel limiting and triggering for many of us, for adult life requires a lot of it. We commit ourselves to our work and bills. We commit ourselves to our families and friends. If someone has done something society deems wrong, they’re committed, just as traditionally partnered couples can be committed to one another. But because of the binding vibration we feel when we hear this word, as like so many others, we tend to avoid our true understanding to what we are personally committed to doing, accomplishing, and succeeding in our lives. To quote an extremely well-written sentence from The Ethical Slut, “People can make commitments to each other in numbers greater than two.” Our commitments, just like our desires, vary and are vast and many.

Yes, for some, the commitment of love and sexuality authentically surpasses monogamy, and may add a third partner, a fourth, or a general openness to a greater community. Sometimes this multi-relationship status is completely void of sex, primarily focusing on the intimacy of emotional connection. For some, sex is seen as a friendly past-time, like shopping or grabbing coffee. Others see relationships as hierarchal and actively maintain their primary relationship while engaging sexualluy in secondary relationships on the side. To add to the mix, triadic, (party of three) and quadratic, (party of four) relationships involve long term commitments with a greater group. These are all expressions of polyamory, making this particular term immune to singular definition.

The lingering question is how can this possibly work?

Even for our monogamous crowd, I ask you the readers to count how many intimate relationships exist within your partnership. If you’re coupled, you may have said two, yours to your partner’s, and your partner’s to you, but we’re here to challenge that. Even in traditional coupled partnership, four relationships exist, ie A-B, B-A, A-A, and B-B. To be less cryptic, our partners have a connection with us, we have a connection to them, yes. But each partner also has a separate connection to themselves. We even experience this in our closest friendships! And this fact becomes paramount within any polycule for some major and important reasons! Navigating these waters is exactly why polyamory requires communication and respect, while owning what belongs to ourselves independently!

Remember, polyamory simply means many loves, and in light of many loves, we must face self-love as an integral aspect of our lives. Why?

Well, let’s talk about jealousy, and our collective harsh judgement of this particular emotion.

“They’re just jealous,” is a common validating term we say to ourselves to self-soothe while degrading others, when there’s nothing so simple about this emotion! Jealousy is a natural expression, like anger or sadness, that isn’t bad or good. It just is. And when we experience it, we can either allow it to overcome our entire being and close us down, or we can take it as the presence of a teacher perhaps exposing something our being is craving to overcome. As with all things in life, do we own it, or allow it to own us?

Jealousy in polyamorous partnerships comes up, just like all other relationships!

It just does. This is why communication, consent, and boundaries are so necessary to achieve partnered bliss. When we experience jealousy, it usually comes with some friends, namely shame, guilt, blame, and denial. This fun mental party we’ve all experienced is, sorry to say, a natural teacher who will continue teaching us until we decide to listen or completely shut down. Poly couples commit to openness around this emotion. Instead of villainizing jealousy, they choose to embrace it together, challenging all partners to grow into a deeper understanding of self, and the struggles of humanity we all inevitably face.

Poly couples also commit to conflict resolution in order to keep vulnerability safe and sacred.

None of us are perfect. If you’ve read previous articles, you may know I view ‘perfect’ as one of the worst words in language today. Conflicts come up! But what do we do with them when they occur? And how do we honor our feelings without destroying another person’s confidence or the opinions they’ve constructed along they’re own life path? Personally, the people I love most in this world are also the ones I’ve fought the most. Not to say I seek a fight to validate my love through fights! At all! But if I have the confidence to fight a loved one, it’s usually because I care enough to do so, and feel safe enough to share what’s actually on my mind.

When maintaining multiple partnerships, this level of vulnerability becomes crucial. We all have bad days. We all struggle with certain things. Intimacy, above all else, involves a general acceptance of this so we don’t have to go at it alone.

Which brings us to agreements and consent in action.

Every partnership consists of two or more unique human expressions, and we all have things we are willing to do, accept, experience… and those we aren’t. Agreements and consent are important for all partners, but become especially highlighted within the realm of polyamory. Poly relationships are not inherently abusive or neglectful. They’re honoring, both of self and of union, by establishing clear and followed agreements based upon each members’ consent. And we all have something to learn here, which is this. Our thoughts matter. Our feelings… matter. Our mental health and wellbeing matters. Big time. And if we can’t cultivate a voice to stand up for the things that matter most to us, how will they matter to anyone else?

To our polyamorous crowd and clientele, we want to offer a special thanks.

Even for those of us who identify as monogamous, you have shared incredible wisdom and knowledge surrounding boundaries, consent, and how to view our relationships with intimacy as something we foster from within. For more information, we Trystologists highly suggest finding a copy of The Ethical Slut, written by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton. Their writing inspired so much of this article. We thank these authors for their dedication to a life lived on their terms! It has given their readers permission to do the same.

As always, we love our community, and feel incredibly blessed to share dynamic aspects core to this human experience. May you all see yourselves as worthy of your love, no matter how you define it. As far as we’re concerned, you have full permission to live your life on your terms! And we’re honored to remind you any time we can.

Puzzling Out the Art of Family Sex Talks

Hey y’all, Happy Fall! Trystology’s back again puzzling out the birds, bees, and processes behind learning the pleasure centers of our bodies, family edition, and this time we’re calling a…

{scary tubas and high pitched violins!!!!}

Family Meeting!

Today we will be discussing the Art of Family Sex Talks. Look, I know we all dread the family sex talk, so in honor of National Family Sexuality Education Month, (I’m not trying to make a joke, but that’s a mouthful), we’re here to hopefully shed some light on how to open a dialogue about sex at home.

Whether your family is transparent about sexuality or not, we all know the awkward feelings that can come up when kids have questions about sex. That’s why this is called the art of family sex talks. There are also many schools of thought surrounding this issue. Every parent makes decisions about what information is appropriate for their children at any given age. For the health and wellbeing of children, we as adults need to provide our children with balanced answers to their immediate questions.

Does this mean we just… let them jump right in?

Well, hell no!

What we mean is this – education is not abuse. I repeat, education is not abuse.

In fact, just the opposite. Knowledge is power! We tell our kids this all the time. When it comes to sexuality, knowledge yields responsibility, respect, kindness, and safety. Also, just as every child unique, every parent is too, so knowing what is appropriate when varies from family to family.

So readers, imagine we had a time machine to take us back to our budding time of puberty…

Blech, I couldn’t even write that with a straight face. Whether you’re experiencing it now, will be, or you’ve forgotten that version of you sprouting pubic hairs, puberty can feel like a real bag of cats. Your mind, body, and world view skyrocket into a whole new becoming.

Some of it’s fine. Some of it sucks.

Emotions are in a tailspin. Self-comparison is constant. Zits and cracked voices accompany new periods and wet dreams. It’s a party most would opt to miss.

But orgasms… well, orgasms are real great.

At some point, whether it’s you or the innocent person you’ve watched grow, we all discover our bits, and humanity is vast. In a world highly impacted by Wikipedia and porn, today’s kids need enough good information to make sense out of the world, and who they will become in it.

Life’s wild. Truly, things only become more wild as we find our place within this greater happening, but owning our orgasm is a practice that starts with us as the individual, not with a partner. In order to find a matching puzzle piece to our unique sexual needs, we should know the shape of our own piece! And this learning involves and requires a process. One that takes years, so keeping up with our bodies and needs is just another way to stay centered along the road

As adults, we learn with our kids.

Supporting those we love becomes very real when setting examples of healthy sexuality for our youth. As we all know, no matter how fiercely we may try to prevent or quickly remedy it, our children and teenagers will feel. They will feel everything, just like we all do. They will feel intense joy, pain, pleasure, success, failure, sadness, the whole enchilada. And arousal. That too. We all do. Our job as adults, parents and teachers is making open space for our youth to confidently find themselves, knowing love and acceptance will always be available to them. Especially through the bumpy parts.

So, how can we talk about sex with our kids, and how can we, the adults, do this while maintaining our own sexual health?

Well, It’s all in the presentation. 😉

Trystology’s Art of Family Sex Talks

First, be positive.

Remember, this conversation does not have be awful. In fact, a positive approach will teach young people the importance of self respect and self-care. Also, this conversation shouldn’t just be a “one-off.” Discussing sexuality is vulnerable by nature at all ages, and getting anywhere with this talk involves trust. Again, I’m going to remind everyone of the word process. Here’s another word… investment. Discussing sex with our kids is an investment in their emotional, physical, and over-all well-being.

Then, encourage.

Remember those days? Holy cow! I didn’t feel attractive, or understand how to speak to anyone I liked. I didn’t know or understand my value. In part, how could I? I was learning. Remind young people of all of their talents and attributes. Be authentic and vulnerable. Explain that it’s okay to be sexual, they are worth kindness and pleasure, and that you are there to support in any way you can.

It’s common to lead with the scary stuff… but try your best not to.

Should we discuss STIs? Yes. Pregnancy? Also yes. All to understand the inherent joy beneath our skin responsibly, so that we can enjoy it and encourage those we love to do the same. Using scare tactics regarding sex with kids hasn’t worked for centuries… let’s collectively move past this. For everyone’s sake.

October is a big month for sexual holidays, and there’s a big one on it’s way. National Coming Out Day! It’s important to mention this because your child’s sexuality may not exist on the same spectrum as yours does. Everyone, even your kid, is different, and this is perfect. There’s no one way to exploring sexuality, and reiterating this to our youth is a healthy reminder for we adults.

Invite conversation by making time to listen.

Sharing stories can break the ice, but can also miss the mark. Listen to what they’re experiencing, ask kind questions, and encourage them along their road. Do this for them, but let it be a reminder to check in with yourself.

Lastly, remember to be yourself with your kids.

What do I mean? Well, whether we like it all the time or not, kids are learning… all the time. They learn how to live, behave and feel based in large part on the environment they inhabit day to day. Obviously kids shouldn’t witness what goes on behind closed doors, but allowing our kids see us show affection to our partners by kissing them, holding hands and smiling only shows them the kind of affection we hope for them in the future.

I have one more word for this article, and its this – legacy.

We at Trystology are honored to see our community through a unique lens. We have important conversations in our store, and I will tell you that in 2021, people are still taught that masturbation can cause blindness. Why? Your guess is as good as mine, but the first reasons that come to my mind are fear, shame, and guilt. When I look at humanity as a whole, I don’t believe fear, shame and guilt build solid foundations for our future. So let’s help our kids find their way. Let that be our legacy. As the adults of today guiding the ones of tomorrow, let’s give them our best by allowing them to discover the best this world has to offer them.

If we all loved the skin we’re in, wouldn’t the world be a better place?

Way to go, you made it to the end! Family meeting adjourned. For more great information on the art of family sex talks, here are some of our favorite authors and products for your toolbox.

Off the Shelf!

Learning Good Consent, by Cindy Crabb

Curated by *Doris* editor Cindy Crabb, *Learning Good Consent* looks at the culture of sexual consent from a standpoint which is both sexy, educational, perfect for the art of family sex talks. During the course of 64 pages, Cindy and friends create a well-rounded consent workshop, with all sights set on healing and helping. In the midst of rape culture, “blurred lines,” and troubled relationships with power and boundaries, *Consent* has your back. As says Cindy in the zine’s intro, *“Talking about our experiences with consent, our struggles, our mistakes and how we’ve learned, these are part of a much larger revolutionary struggl*e.”

The Body is Not an Apology, by Sonya Renee Taylor

The Body Is Not an Apology offers radical self-love as the balm to heal the wounds inflicted by these violent systems. World-renowned activist and poet Sonya Renee Taylor invites us to reconnect with the radical origins of our minds and bodies and celebrate our collective, enduring strength. As we awaken to our own indoctrinated body shame, we feel inspired to awaken others and to interrupt the systems that perpetuate body shame and oppression against all bodies. When we act from this truth on a global scale, we usher in the transformative opportunity of radical self-love, which is the opportunity for a more just, equitable, and compassionate world–for us all.

In Trans Like Me, CN Lester takes readers on a measured, thoughtful, intelligent yet approachable tour through the most important and high-profile narratives around the trans community, turning them inside out and examining where we really are in terms of progress. From the impact of the media’s wording in covering trans people and issues, to the way parenting gender variant children is portrayed, Lester brings their charged personal narrative to every topic and expertly lays out the work left to be done.

Sex: How to Authentically Play Well with Others!

“Sometimes you have to play a long time in order to play like yourself.” – Miles Davis

So, what is sexual authenticity…

“Wait! Hang on, Trystology… isn’t September National Pleasure Your Mate Month? Aren’t we going to discuss how to give and receive great orgasms?!”

Well, yes.

But as Trystologists, we believe the best part of authenticity’s definition is it’s inherent inference that everyone is, in fact, different, and that’s the way it’s supposed to be. Miles Davis had a point. You may have to play for a long time, but play is the key word here. Play to know yourself, and others, for the real thing.

Sex, and Authentically Playing Well with Others!

Sexually, we all have our own authentic solo inside, and no matter how slow or erratic that vibration expresses itself, somehow it just works when we let go, and we’re not quite sure how. Intimacy is the sensual celebration of this release, together. Like jazz, it’s that one drum line, bass riff, or horn piece uniquely accompanied and better for it, toward an inevitable peak and fall. Freedom without plan or expectation.

Our partners, for better or worse, reflect our ongoing realities back onto us, and conversely, we do the same for them. We aid in guiding each other toward a more pure view and realization of our true selves. The jewel of this human desire for connection exists within the here and now, and choosing to share this present moment, intentionally, with someone we love.

The name ‘Trystology’ comes from the Latin word tryst, meaning a meeting between lovers, so this September, in honor of National Pleasure Your Mate Month, Trystology encourages every reader to give their loved one the best gift of all.

The honest, bare, and authentic you.

Afterall, that’s what we share with those closest to us, whether we like it or not. All of us have a resident crazy person who dwells within… those who love us know our more unique versions well. There’s nothing we can do about that other than to embrace it, flaunt it, and seek to accept all of who we are in order to love all of someone else.

So how will embracing our wild, desiring, hopeful, sweet and sensual side benefit our partnered pleasure, personal orgasm, and who cares anyway?!

How to Play with Others: Trystology’s Authenticity Edition 1.0!

Think of our sexuality as our deepest most creative self, wordless. It is within this sacred expression we are all unique, and sharing this can strengthen bonds of love, compromise, and overall understanding. Healthy vulnerability is good. It’s human, and can lead to more efficient communication over longer durations of time.

Now here’s the thing. No one’s perfect. In terms of sexuality, perfection doesn’t even apply. It has no place in creation. And sure, vulnerability can hurt. That’s why along every road we establish boundaries, not just as a form of protection, but also as a declaration of choice and self-love. By playing with our partners, we learn to give and ask for consent. We learn what we like, and how to communicate our needs.

This is Trystology’s 3-Step Guide to Pleasuring Your Mate, as Yourself!

How to Play with Others: Trystology’s Authenticity Edition! - Self Pleasure

1. Play Well Solo First!

In Trystology’s Authenticity Edition, why would we start with self-pleasure? C’mon, it’s not to be selfish! In order to ask our loved one what they desire, shouldn’t we know how to answer them in return?!

Knowing what we want, and how we like it only empowers ourselves, and our partners! Remember the quote at the start of this article? Play. Beneath our skin, pleasure exists. As we’ve said before, regular orgasms support stronger immune systems, sleep, and overall mental well-being. Without knowing what our bodies like, how can we share that magic with our partners? Maybe spice it up by encouraging them to explore too!

If you’re looking to re-familiarize yourself with your pleasure centers, here are some great tools to pack for the journey:

The Womanizer Duo!

What could be better than a Womanizer? The mind blowing clitoral stimulation of a Womanizer blended with deep G-Spot stimulation thats what! Revel in 12 escalating (independently operated) intensity levels to bring user to explosive, climactic bliss. Using patented Pleasure Air Technology, the clitoral stimulator’s pressure waves gently suck the clitoris to deliver a superb new orgasmic sensation.

Zumio

Unlock new sensations with Zumio i, using elliptical rotation – not vibration – to deliver precise stimulation exactly where you want it! Zumio i’s spoon-shaped tip spreads stimulating energy across a larger area, creating a more diffuse range of clitoral sensation while its elliptical pattern, 8 speeds, and pressure sensitivity put you in complete control of your pleasure.

We Vibe Vector

With rumbling vibrations that target both the prostate and the perineum, Vector leads the way to sensations that go beyond anything experienced before. Designed for comfort with an adjustable head and flexible base, Vector hits all the right spots to lead your beloved prostate owner to their strongest orgasm yet!

Tenga Spinners

Enjoy a unique sensation like none other. An all-new internal coil makes the SPINNER twist as you insert, sending unbelievable sensations with each stroke!

How to Play with Others: Trystology’s Authenticity Edition! - Quality Coupled Play

2. Playing better together.

Set aside uninterrupted time for each other. Commit to it, and plan for it. Now reconnected to what works for you, prepare yourself to listen to what works for them. Whether it’s a night on the town or a sensual evening in, take time to be with the one you love, and connect.

Since everyone’s primary sex organ is the brain, relaxing can increase arousal and the ultimate quality of climax. Wearing sexy lingerie and using stimulating oils, or even massage candles can bolster self-confidence, add ease and set the mood. Here’s a list of our top couples toys and products, perfect for any fantasy. Don’t forget to communicate! If words aren’t available, noises can be guiding all by themselves, but practice conveying your needs while hearing and honoring theirs.

Atom Plus by Hot Octopus

Whether used for solo play or with a partner, the Atom series represents the dawn of a new age for C-rings. Atom Plus combines innovative design with powerful vibration motors to create a C-Ring that delivers deep, rumbly stimulation to all the right places.

Rainbow Crystal Bubble Dildo

Calling all Rainbow People! Finished with a glittery dichroic bulb, this dil will soon become a favorite! The rainbow spectrum-colored gentle curve fits well in the hand, and the bumps make the smooth glass easily gripped. The texture is perfect to achieve an ongoing “first penetration” feeling. The Rainbow Bubble’s curve was made for partnered G-spot or A-Spot stimulation.

NJoy Fun Wand

Njoy’s most versatile design, the Fun Wand provides a plethora of sensual possibilities. Ideal alone or with a partner, the Fun Wand is great fun for combined oral and G-spot stimulation, or flip the toy (and your partner!) over and use the graduated bulbs to give them the anal treat you know they deserve…

We Vibe Ditto

Explore anal play with We-Vibe’s new slim, flexible, comfortable vibrating plug. Wearable by either a man or a woman, facing forward or back, Ditto can be controlled conveniently by its remote or with the We-Connect app. Playing with other We-Vibe toys? We-Connect can control both from the same device! Rechargeable and fully waterproof!

Oh, and don’t forget the lube!

How to Play with Others: Trystology’s Authenticity Edition! - Authentic Favorites and Further Fantasies

3. Future Fantasies at Play!

Our best advice is keep it going! Talk with one another about what does it for you! Have the courage to be yourself, remember to always respect boundaries, and above all else, don’t forget to play. Play, and watch what develops in your life. If sexuality encompasses a core aspect of our being, learning to be vulnerable while asking for what we want can only resonate outward into the rest of our lives. And yes, it only gets better together!

Sounds good, doesn’t it?

To all our lovebirds out there, we send you our best! Love each other, as yourselves.

And play on.

Looking for more? Please join us Wednesday, September 15th from 6:30pm-8pm via Zoom for our Pleasure Your Mate Class! Spots fill quickly, so reserve your spot now! All beings and questions are welcome, so we hope to see you soon 🙂

And Sexual Independence for All!

Light up the grills and grab your shorts! Summer’s here, the heat is on, and Trystology’s hot monthly topic is independence. Not just any kind of independence, mind you, but sexual independence. That’s right, we at Trystology are here to celebrate YOUR journey toward sexual independence… but how can we support something so uniquely and individually defined? Sexuality itself has infinite expressions, as does independence, and whatever pallet of hues you choose is your choice, and yours alone. What may be freeing to me might cage you, so what the hell does it mean to own your orgasm, and how can you do so confidently? When we say sexual independence, are we strictly talking about masturbation, or something bigger?

Maybe the real question is how much do you like being you?

Now, if that last question was simple for you to answer, I’m jealous and please come to the store as soon as you possibly can to spark this topic, teach a class, or just be our local guru. If you’re struggling to define what sexual independence means to you, or just how to own who you are at your core, join the club! Sexuality is a reflection of our deepest selves – the self without words or definition – and can come with a LOT of baggage in the form of shame and guilt. Luckily there’s something our sexuality is not, and that’s stagnant. Fear not, singles, I’m talking to you too. The human experience is such that we forget, like everything and everyone else around us, we are centered within a process of our own. We age, we learn, we change and grow, all while also existing within a society which only recently began to value self-care, not as an indulgence but rather as a necessity. And let’s face it, we have a long way to go. The fact is our sexuality plays a major role in overall health and wellbeing, so is it necessity, indulgence, or a little of both?

Self-Care as an Act of Rebellion!

As previously mentioned, the idea of self-care is new to the Western world. Most of us were programmed to believe that taking care of our needs last made us noble, hardworking, trustworthy, and good. Why then does breaking the rules feel so, I don’t know, great?! Side story – as a kid, I used to love when my Mom made me clean my room, but not because I actually enjoyed picking up. No, I liked the alone time. I would turn my ceiling fan on high, and throw my stuffed animals into it, only to burst into hysterical laughter when my poor, furry friends would smack the wall and thud to the floor. My mom worked from home, and needless to say, hated it. One day, she snuck up the stairs and caught me in the act of what could have only looked like “stuffie” execution. She doubled over with laughter and scared me half to death. Sure, I wasn’t doing what I was supposed to do, but I was getting to know myself, my humor, and my individuality. Amidst her laughter, she explained how she took conference calls from home, and making all that noise was disruptive to her day. Bottom line, I could only throw the stuffed toys into the fan, (good call, Mom), and I couldn’t do so if she was on the phone. My fun wasn’t over, but her boundaries needed to be respected.

The B-Word…

You might say our sexuality is much more complex than a stuffed animal hitting a wall at maximum speed, and I would agree. But owning aspects of who we are, especially our sexuality, involves a little exploration, laughter, making mistakes and learning important lessons, all which help us to establish and define these reeeeeeally important things called boundaries. Readers, we can’t stress this enough. The word boundary is not a bad word. Very similar to my mother’s response, a boundary can liberate and bring smiles to more people than just ourselves. They allow us to operate with others, not for or against them in a way that excludes ourselves. They help us to establish who we are by knowing who we are not. Truth be told, owning our boundaries can pave the road to independence of any kind, and can be loving, funny, even/especially sexy.

In order to provide liberty and justice for all of our nether-bits, it’s important to remember we all share the same major sex organ – the brain. An orgasm is like any other bodily reflex. It’s an involuntary response to pleasure governed by genitals, yes, but only with permission from the mind. That’s why boundaries are so important. They support a feeling of safety, and setting them doesn’t have to suck! A sexy conversation is always a wonderful start to any intimate encounter! What do you like? What makes you feel good, and how do you like it done? If these questions are difficult to answer, explore your own unknown! Here’s a list of our favorite books and toys for him, her, or them.

Off The Shelf:

UnF*ck Your Boundaries

Build Better Relationships Through Consent, Communication, and Expressing Your Needs
Are other people constantly intruding on your personal space, using your stuff, disrespecting you, and otherwise violating your boundaries? You can’t control what they do, but you can control how you understand and communicate your own needs and make choices about how you behave and respond to the people around you. Dive deep into self-work with this interactive guide that can be used alone or as a companion to Dr. Faith’s book Unfuck Your Boundaries. You’ll learn about how to give and get consent, how to make sure you’re stating your boundaries clearly and being understood, how to decide what is a dealbreaker, how to deal with boundaries in group settings, how to identify abuse, and how to hold yourself accountable to respecting the boundaries of others. Helpful to anyone trying to figure out healthier intimate relationships, better workplace dynamics, difficult family drama, or just how to be more confident in your own skin.

The Hardness Factor

Hard is good, harder is better… for your health, your libido, your life.
Such is the provocative premise behind Dr. Steven Lamm’s The Hardness Factor, a groundbreaking book that will change the way men live and love. The Hardness Factor measures male health through the quality of an erection – perhaps the greatest male motivator for better living (more so than fear of cancer, heart attack, or stroke). The Hardness Factor asks, Can men be hard and in shape for sex their entire lives? The answer is, absolutely. Here for the first time are scientific, evidence based regimens – emphasizing nutrition, supplements, and exercise – to increase erectile quality.

GirlSex 101

Girl Sex 101 is a sex-ed book like no other, offering info for ladies and lady-lovers of all genders and identities, playful and informative illustrations on each page, and over 100 distinct voices, plus a hot narrative that shows you how to put the info to good use!

The Ethical Slut

The essential guide for singles and couples who want to explore polyamory in ways that are ethically and emotionally sustainable.
For anyone who has ever dreamed of love, sex, and companionship beyond the limits of traditional monogamy, this groundbreaking guide navigates the infinite possibilities that open relationships can offer. Experienced ethical sluts Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy dispel myths and cover all the skills necessary to maintain a successful and responsible polyamorous lifestyle, from self-reflection and honest communication to practicing safe sex and raising a family. Individuals and their partners will learn how to discuss and honor boundaries, resolve conflicts, and to define relationships on their own terms.

The Toy Chest:

Zalo Bess

The name of Bess comes from Egyptian Goddess Bastet, who is the goddess of the home, domesticity, women’s secrets, cats, fertility, and childbirth. She protected the home from evil spirits and disease, especially diseases associated with women.
Bess fits comfortably in your hand and offers the most accurate stimulation, thanks to the innovative DirectPower technology. It concentrates on the sensitive points, with motor revolutions up to 10000 times per minute, to give the perfect orgasm experience

Zumio

Zumio offers a 60-second quickie, mind-blowing multiple orgasms or hours of delicious exploration. What’s your pleasure? Searching for a way to achieve deep stimulation and precise control, Zumio designers took the circular fingertip motion, creating their revolutionary Spiro Tip Technology. The result is satisfying, whirling pulses with up to 8 levels that can be concentrated on smaller areas.
Zumio’s oscillation penetrates with a massaging effect that reaches deeper while being gentle on surface nerve-endings. The low vibration handle also won’t irritate or numb the hand during use. Alone or with a partner, this unique clitoral stimulator can provide pleasure fast or slow, tickling her pleasure zone like nothing else.

Tenga Spinners

ManWand Extreme

Simple and Powerful. The Man Wand Xtreme is a stimulator kit designed for men and couples. Man Wand – Xtreme has two flexible flaps on the massagers head that can hold a penis of most any size while the textured silicone optimizes the vibrations and pleasurable stimulation.
The powerful vibrations of Man Wand can be enjoyed with or without an erection and users can customize their pleasure, taking full advantage of 3 powerful speeds and 5 scintillating patterns of vibration.

Je Joue Mio Set

This limited edition luxurious gift box offers couples an opportunity to treat each other to endless nights of passionate fun. It will turn her on and turn him up, perfect for all sexy occasions. Beautifully packaged in our silver feather box design, it contains our powerful G-Spot Bullet and our world-famous Mio. It’s an unbeatable combination and a perfect gift for all summer long.

WeVibe Moxie

Fun on the go and no one will know. Moxie by We-Vibeª is a vibrator one wears for discreet and exciting clitoral stimulation. Small, comfortable and whisper quiet, Moxie stays in place with a magnetic clip so that a moment of pleasure wont be missed. Increase the excitement by using the app to control the fun from anywhere anytime.

Whatever you choose, knowing the choice is yours should empower and inspire the infinite zigs and zags that exist throughout this thing called life. Independence isn’t the same for all of us, neither is sexuality, but setting boundaries and knowing yourself is the way to accomplishing either on your terms, no one else’s. Here at Trystology, we wish you independence, divine sexuality, and the permission to own your life, boundaries, and as always, your orgasm! You deserve it, and your road awaits.

Sexual Independence Month!

Let’s claim July as Sexual Independence Month! Becoming sexually independent can look like what you want it to look like, so this month I’ll share some ideas that individuals can use to become “sexually independent”! But first, let’s discuss setting the tone for being able to claim sexually independence!

Whether you are a confident and assertive sexual being, or someone who is more curious or timid, there comes a time where we all become aware of our needs and desires. Sometimes this awareness comes naturally… you know those people who are just always “on”! Always ready. Then there are others who are comfortable to just “be”. If it happens, it happens. And then there are those who are in what I call “hibernation”! Much like a sleeping bear, hibernation for our sexual side of our being can mean that that part of ourselves can be “asleep”! You know that feeling! We all get it sometimes… It can be days, weeks, maybe even months or years when you aren’t aware of your sexual side of yourself! Work. Family. Stress. Financials. These all play into whether we are able to awaken our sexual side of our being to be open to allowing us to feel desire.

Below I am providing the Trystology Talk Episode 8 on Hibernation, for those that may want to “wake up” their bodies, if they find that this subject speaks to them!

Whatever stage you are in, on – content – hibernating – I’d like to have you choose this month to assert yourself and acknowledge your sexual independence!

I know this might not be an easy thing. How we respond to our needs and desires can vary. By default, some people will act on them, while others might naturally tuck those feelings aside and ignore or pretend they don’t exist. Other’s may not even be aware that they “aren’t in the game”. While these responses are natural and happen automatically, without thought, I am asking you to make a conscious choice to choose to “own it“… your sexual self!

Here’s the thing… no one checks in on us as to whether we’re doing well with our sexual selves. They might ask about whether you exercised. Meditated. Ate well. But when you meet your friends for coffee, they will most likely never ask if you’ve had your orgasm today! Really! Right?!? We can focus on our nutritional health, spiritual health, emotional health, physical health, but no one asks about or focuses (usually) on their sexual health! THIS MONTH, I want to change that! I want you to consciously choose to wake up your sexual side.

So what does that mean? And what are you choosing? Sexual independence is not much different than waking yourself up from hibernation. It’s choosing to self pleasure, or have intimacy with a partner, even when you’re not necessarily feeling like it! We take our vitamins when we’re not eating well. We exercise when we “don’t feel like it”. But when it comes to sex, and intimacy, we tend to think we have to feel like it! This isn’t really true! You can wake yourself up, and you can enjoy intimacy and pleasure… even if you don’t think you can.

All of this is so very personal, so take from this what resonates with you! If you just want a massage oil and a massage to gain your sexual independence this month, then choose that. If you need to learn to wake up the body, and want a stimulating balm, or figure out what vibrator might work best for you or your partner, then let’s explore that! And some people still may want to explore the orgasm-a-day philosophy… solo or with their partner. Either way, make a choice to find out what it is that might be interesting to you, and then… it’s all about play!

Sexual Independence Tools! Here we’ll provide some ideas to explore. We have curated tools that will help with regaining your sexual self. We will start with Stimulating Balms for the clitoris, as some are really tingly, almost electric, like the ON Balm. Other’s are more gentle, like Intimate Organics Gentle, or stronger, like Intimate Organics Intense or Coco De Mer Pure Delight! We will include Ride for men, which helps to extend their experience, or enhance it, and provide tools to play.

You’ll see that, much like my podcast on hibernation, we have included the full spectrum of tools in this section. From massage tools, to couples toys, and vibrators for him and her.

If you have any questions, or want any recommendations, don’t hesitate to give us a call! We even do private consultations, if you’re interested! We can be reached at 888-801-8952.

Undercover Clitoris

Dr. Sadie Allison has written some amazing books! So exciting that the clitoris is finally getting some attention… and this book is written just for men. Like all her other books, it’s approachable, with clever and clear drawings, and she speaks to her reader in terms they can relate to an understand.

Like Tickle His Pickle, or Ride’m Cowgirl, we think that Undercover Clitoris will be helpful to all involved!

Enjoy!

www.trystology.com

Aiko T. by Michel Comte

While looking through our books in the warehouse, we found some real gems! Only one of this book is available at Trystology! Call us at 888-801-8952.

Aiko T. is a Japanese geisha, photographed here in the throes of sexual abandon. This extraordinary photo sequence is strictly limited to an edition of worldwide 500 copies. It is realized on fine paper in duotone with silver addings, bound in linen cloth.

Hardcover: 124 pages
Publisher: Steidl (May 1, 2000)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 3882437022
ISBN-13: 978-3882437027
Product Dimensions: 12.5 x 12.8 x 1.2 inches
Shipping Weight: 4.9 pounds

This book is in like new condition, but is missing the outer slipcover.