It’s unfortunate we don’t have a manual for our bodies as we age, just like it’s unfortunate we don’t have a manual when we are young!  What pleasure we could have experienced, if we had only known!  As we age, however, we already know, for the most part, what we have enjoyed, and it is a cruel thing when our bodies don’t work the way we want them to.  Some people believe that when their bodies stop working, that’s just the way it’s supposed to be, and they give up.  I have found that when women have painful intercourse after menopause, they default to “this must mean that chapter of my life is over”, when that really isn’t the case.  It makes sense that women default to this thinking, because who wants to endure pain and suffering doing something that is meant to be so pleasurable… except for if you’re into pain!  I do, however, believe that when there’s a will, there’s a way, and have found that with care, patience and a choice to make it work, women are able to find their way back to lovemaking and pleasure.

How?  You might ask… I suggest women use a combination of things, and look at this as an “exercise” program.  Thinning tissue, and tightening, or atrophy, can be, in my opinion, remedied with attention to the tissue, exercise, and orgasm.  I recommend women use a water-based lube that has hyaluronan in it, which protects the tissue while it is healing it.  My two favorite are Pjur Med Repair and Sutil Rich, for the water based, and Uberlube for Silicone and vitamin E.  It helps to lubricate the body, when the body sometimes stops lubrication, which can be frustrating.  This doesn’t have to only happen when you’re in your 60’s and beyond… it can happen in your 20’s!  I also recommend using a silicone based lube on your partner, or any internal toy you are using, so as to increase viscosity, and assist with the ease of lovemaking.  This also helps with not having to re-apply, as many water-based lubes can need to have reapplication. 

For the exercise portion, depending on the level of discomfort, a woman might need to start with the lubricant and a finger, for massaging the tissue.  She can then move to a small vibrator, which for this case I recommend the Leaf Vitality, because it has a very small leaf on one side, and a fuller leaf on the other, and they vibrators can be used internally either way, so start small, with the thinner vibration inside, and the fuller side on the clitoris. You can then use the vibration to help stimulate the tissue, and assist in achieving an orgasm with clitoral stimulation as well.  As each woman exercises the tissue and vagina through massage and orgasm, the body is starting to respond naturally and contract and release fluids.  Through this practice, a woman should be able to regenerate the tissue, and begin to open up to begin interacting with her partner and enjoy lovemaking again.

For men, however, so much of masculinity can be wrapped up in the erection and performance during lovemaking.  It can be a difficult thing when erections fail us, no matter what age we are.  However, the same thing applies to men as it does to women, that many people simply shut down, thinking this chapter of our lives is over, when the male partner experiences ED, erectile disfunction. Erectile disfunction can happen for many reasons.  Medications tend to be a major cause, however exercise or lack thereof, diet and many other things assist in causing this.  There is no reason, however to simply shut down and act as though this chapter is over. 

Many people use Viagra, however I have many customers who ask “What can we do that isn’t Viagra”… I recommend a couple of things. First of all, we have a book called The Hardness Factor, that goes into many different options one might have to help regain and maintain erections.  In addition, I’ve had a number of customers in the late 60’s and 70’s who recommend vibration on the penis and testicles as a way to have an erection, and we recommend using a ring, like the Tantus Soft Ring to maintain the erection.  These rings are used to restrict the blood flow, help with engorgement and assist in helping them last longer.  Whether you use a simple ring like the Soft Ring, or one more advance with vibration like the Je Joue Mio or Hot Octopuss Atom or Plus, the effect is the same.

Aging does not need to stop us form having incredible, intimate sex throughout our lives.  My grandmother lived to 101 and had a 96 year old partner, and they enjoyed intimacy and lovemaking throughout her life.  We may have to adjust, and evolve our lovemaking style, and find new ways to enjoy pleasure, but remember, changing and adjusting is a choice.  Just because we are no longer 28, doesn’t mean we don’t deserve all the pleasure and intimacy we enjoyed then!  Find ways to evolve and enjoy, just the way you are right now! And if you need help or advice to figure out what’s right for you, don’t hesitate to reach out and ask.  Roylin is available for a private consultation!

Roylin Downs is owner of Trystology, which has been supporting women and couples since 2009 with advice and tools to own their sexuality and enhance their relationships.

I, personally, had always been curious about sex toys (you’re surprised, right?!?). Since my mid-thirties, I had wanted to explore the concept of a vibrator and how it might work for my body, but my embarrassment of going into a store held me back. So it wasn’t for lack of interest on my part – but my overwhelming sense of embarrassment if anyone knew!

• What if someone sees me?
• What will they think?

I suspect that many women are like me. Inside they have passions and desires, but perhaps their lifestyles, partner situations, and workload doesn’t allow our needs and desires to be satisfied. Perhaps manual stimulation, which previously worked, doesn’t seem to be doing the trick, or maybe, we just know there’s got to be something more. The reality is that the desire to purchase a product, and the act of actually going out and purchasing one was more than you were able to physically do. You were overwhelmed by embarrassment.

If exploring using a vibrator or sex toy for your sexual health is something that is right for you, these limitations shouldn’t stop you from getting a toy. Getting a toy, or experiencing achieving an orgasm through use of a vibrator shouldn’t be something you are ashamed of. Many women have never had an orgasm, and that’s something I think is wrong. My reasoning for promoting the use of sensual products and vibrators is to insure all women experience their natural gifts, and sometimes the only way a woman can achieve an orgasm is by overriding her brain! Our brains can “teach” us that we can’t have an orgasm, because we have perhaps never experienced one to that point. By using a vibrator, a woman can, in my experience, compel the orgasm to appear. Show itself.  So that women KNOW they can have the orgasm, and find ways to have them more easily.  This of course is the goal.  The orgasm.  Not something nefarious or vulgar.

Over the course of my experience at Trystology, I have encountered women and couples who seem to have a disdain for the concept of toys. I’m not sure where the distain comes from – whether it’s a true dislike for toys or a lack of need for all things mechanical when it comes to the intimacy and orgasms I’m discussing. Or if it comes from a lack of understanding, judgement or fear of trying something that they have been told or perceive is wrong.

There have been a number of occasions where I’ve presented to a group of women, and one woman will be sitting there, scowling in the corner. It’s usually because the hostess surprised the group of women with a gal (me) who brought sex toys, and they’re embarrassed or mortified. One such occasion one participant sat just to my left, and she would say things like “this isn’t something we talk about” and “women don’t need these things, that’s ridiculous”. I was very uncomfortable, however the hostess, aware of her friend’s discomfort, asked me to continue. In the end, this woman came over to me and thanked me for the presentation, as she said it was clearly something the women wanted.

It could be a generational thing, as the gal mentioned above was into her 70’s, and I know that my grandmother’s boyfriend, Dick, who was in his early 90’s once told me “In my day, we didn’t need things like that…” Which made me smile. He was clearly a traditionalist!   However, I have had plenty of customers in their 70’s and 80’s who’ve found their way to the store to get a vibrator, so it’s not that simple. Women of all generations make the decision for themselves as to whether they are open to the idea of using a vibrator, and whether it is right for them and their body.

I have nothing against manual stimulation!  Manual stimulation is something that works for many women and men. Personally, I enjoy my partner’s touch, and during many lovemaking sessions don’t require the use of a vibrator. So if that works for you, I think it’s great! My vision and goal is not to say everyone needs a vibrator. My goal is to empower women to own their orgasm. However we get there, more power to ya! I love the idea of each woman having a bag of tricks and options for how they achieve their orgasm, and on any given day be able to employ the one that works best for her that day!

So what does a toy offer that manual stimulation doesn’t?  Well, we know that each body is different and responds to stimulation in its own way.  What I say about a toy that works for me, may not work for you, and vice versa.  It’s all very personal.  As a broad stroke, vibrators can offer a more immediate, stronger sensation then most manual stimulation can offer.  People can tire more easily, so the body can give out, but for the most part, toys don’t.  With the statistic that most women take 20-40 minutes to have an orgasm, that can be tiring to manually stimulate a person for that period of time… a toy, and many toys nowadays strive for this, can assist a woman in achieving an orgasm in 1-3 minutes!  That can be a game changer.  Like we say in the store, “Men are like microwaves and women like crock pots…we simmer.  With a toy, you can level the playing field and turn a woman into a microwave!”  That’s one of our biggest reasons to recommend the usage of a toy.  evening the playing field.  Not all women like to be microwaves, and that’s okay.  Knowing you can be one, though, is important.  My husband once told me I couldn’t do a “quickie”.  With a toy, I was able to say “oh yeah, watch this…”

So, to toy or not to toy?!?! That’s your call! My goal is to provide you with options and tools you might not have thought of and look into a world that might be foreign to you and provide you with the information you need to make an informed decision as to whether adding tools and toys into your orgasm and lovemaking routine might be right, or even an option, for you!

For more insights and advice on sex, intimacy and toys, subscribe to our YouTube channel, visit the store, or have a private consultation with Roylin.

And don’t miss Roylin’s upcoming book, Trystology A Lover’s Guide.

Stress and its effects on intimacy can be huge.

It can blindside you.  Something happens, like, say a fire, that takes over your whole community, and all of the sudden you go into survival mode.  It doesn’t have to be as drastic as that, but as a resident of Southern California, it’s becoming a little more commonplace, so I thought I’d bring it out in the open and discuss it.

As someone who promotes an orgasm a day, this is a very important topic.  Sex and intimacy, not only for couples, but for individuals, gives you something to help you relax, it releases oxytocin, endorphins and things you can’t get any other way… so for me, it’s kinda like taking your vitamins on a daily basis… you need it to be whole.  When you go into survival mode, much like Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, we collapse down into our base needs of shelter and food… this thing about intimacy and sex can just disappear.  The desire, the need… vanishes!  Such a fascinating thing to see while it’s happening.  As someone who notices… as many in relationships do, when their partner shuts down, and isn’t interested in going there… or when we shut down.  It’s an interesting phenomenon.

Many things can trigger this shut down.  The loss of your surroundings, whether displaced or actual loss of a home or material goods can change one’s perspective on sex and intimacy.  It can seem like “that’s not important now, we have other things to worry about”… The displacement and living with others, or being in a hotel room you have to share with other family members can also create that sense of “Really?!?!, now?!?”… So that switch seems to shut down until times change, or situations change.

We need to remember that our brain is our biggest sex organ, and when we are preoccupied with survival, and insuring the safety of others, or when we are displaced, and not in our surroundings, we can shut down aspects of our normal and healthy selves.  Our brain will not allow us sometimes to open those gateways when we are too preoccupied with survival.

Be patient with yourself.  This can take some time to reset the feeling of being whole again.  And be patient with your partner, as stressful situations can take time to recover from.  My recommendation is to be patient with yourself and your partner.  Take the time to communicate and reassure each other that this will happen again.  Make time to reconnect, and share some level of intimacy, whether it’s holding each other, cuddling, or just simply holding hands or touching.  Your bodies and minds will rebound before you know it, but recognize that each person recovers at their own pace.  Support those that are slower than you!

And remember… For love and passion.  That’s what life’s about!

Sometimes you just want to have some fun!  With remote controlled sex-toys, customers have been “playing” inside and outside the bedroom for the last couple of years.  With the We-vibe couples play toy the We-Vibe Classic, she wears the toy and both partners share in the vibration.  It’s also a fun toy outside the bedroom. However she’s the only one who can feel the vibration!  I’ve always thought that wasn’t fair, because as much as we know men like remotes, women also like the ability to “play” with their partner, outside the bedroom!

The wait for a solution is over!

I have paired two fabulous remote-controlled vibrators… the Lelo Hula and the Lelo Oden 2… for the ultimate in partner play!  While you have to be in the vicinity, meaning it’s not Bluetooth enabled (that’s a whole other story), it makes remote play at home or outside the bedroom a whole lot more fun!

First, we start with the Lelo Hula.  This is a great remote controlled toy that is amazing at assisting with pelvic floor tightening!  You insert it into the vagina, and turn it on.  Leave it going for half an hour or so, while you go about your business.  Really!  It’s that easy and fun!  The remote has 8 different settings, as well as different power levels.  The Hula can also be used internally during oral sex, or laid externally on the labia and clitoris.  Overall a fun toy that’s waterproof and rechargeable.

Next is the Lelo Oden 2.  The Oden 2 is a great vibrating ring for men.  With two ring options, one for more restriction, the other for more comfort, it’s a personal preference as to which he uses for hands free clitoral stimulation during lovemaking!  It’s quiet, powerful, and with the remote you get the same 8 sensations, and various power levels.  AND there’s Sensa-motion, where the toy responds to your movement.

So how do we work them together, you might ask?  Each partner turns on the toy, and puts the toy in place… This doesn’t mean the toy is vibrating, it’s just on, and ready for use with the remote control. For men, I recommend the more open ring, with the vibrator pointed down toward the testicles.  For women, you can insert the Hula either way, with the string down, or up.  I suggest up, so the rotating movement is closer to the G-Spot.  Once you have your products in place, you each have your remote, and are ready to go out to dinner.  Or play.    Now the fun thing about these products, is that they both can work off of the same remote!  REALLY!  So when one remote is turned on, and vibration is increased, both toys start to vibrate.  Yes, that means if anyone else in the restaurant happens to be wearing a Lelo remote-controlled toy, they too will have their vibe start.  Crazy, right?!?

All’s fair in play with remote controlled toys, and I love that we have a way in which both men and women are able to play with their partners outside the bedroom.  For more fun ideas, check out our kits at www.trystology.com

Sir Richard’s Condoms.  Quality, natural condoms with a cause!

I was so surprised to find out that Sir Richard’s Condoms is now a part of Jimmyjane!  It makes perfect sense!  Jimmyjane is such a quality conscious sex toy company presenting some of the best sex toys in the industry, and Sir Richard’s Condoms are some of the best condoms on the market today!  Not only do they have a great product, they have great packaging!  They just “look great”!

AND they are all natural!  Their website states, “Sir Richard’s Condoms are made of all-natural latex and silicone (lubricant). We do not use any fillers in our natural latex, which is a common practice in the industry. Our condoms are free of glycerin, parabens, spermicide and petrochemicals. They are Vegan-certified and PETA-approved with minimal latex odor.”  How cool is that?

Check out Trystology talking to Sir Richard’s Condoms at the 2015 ANME trade show:

If all that doesn’t have you convinced you should try them, check out their buy one give one policy!!!  Every time you buy a Sir Richard’s condom, they will give one to a worthy cause!  They say, “We want to make donations to the causes you care about most, and we invite you choose the next recipients of the condom donations generated by the ‘Buy one, Give one’ social responsibility program.”  What other condom company do you know of that does that?

Sir Richards condoms come in Classic Ribbed, Pleasure Dots, Extra Thin and Extra Large… covering all bases!  And they come in 12 packs, as well as mixed 3 packs!  You can get your Sir Richard’s Condoms at Trystology.com