How to Manifest the Threesome of Your Dreams

Once upon a snowy night, I had a threesome.

It was the stuff of dreams, and so long ago I only remember pieces. Embraces here, sighs there, hands on the crook of my hip, all followed by myriad feelings and ah-ha moments I’m still grateful for – freedom, shared self-respect, joyful consent, and a deep recognition of human beauty which surpassed anything I’d felt before. I’ve grappled with how to say this for years, probably because I’ve feared the shame of sharing, but truth be told the experience made me better! I became a better lover, more compassionate to myself, and more empathetic to the love other couples share in and out of the bedroom. This recognition of beauty opened my eyes to the intangible energy of beauty that exists within us all. So if you’re curious about whether or not a threesome is right for you, Trystology is here to help!

Now, is everyone’s first intimate, multi-person experience like this example? No, and that’s exactly why we’re using it to kick off this March 3rd, National Threesome Day! (And if you cocked your head to the side reading ‘National Threesome Day,’ yes, it’s a real thing and we didn’t make it up!) There’s a lot to demystify when it comes to the world of multi-person play of any kind. So in light of the day, Trystology is here to hopefully give you helpful tools to navigate turning this fantasy into reality, realistically! 

I think it’s only responsible to include a disclaimer here:

Having threesomes does not make you better or worse at sex, more or less experienced, and certainly not more or less sexy! It’s simply an experience we can choose to take part in, or not! No one moment in any of our lives define us. A close friend reminded me just today that life is a long, complicated journey, taking many twists and turns, highways and detours. The whole painting makes us who we are, and we’re always free to add more paint! So please, read responsibly. Here at Trystology we value sex positivity in all its expressions, and believe us, it’s a vast spectrum! Our goal is making you feel safe, sexy, confident, and beautiful within the skin, heart and mind you inhabit. Do you need a threesome to get there? Absolutely not! But if you feel a threesome is right for you, read on!

Ah – one more thing. Yes, Trystology is full of sex educators of all kinds, but we’re just humans striving to live life on our terms the very best we can. This comes from a few perspectives, and doesn’t claim to speak truth to everyone. Take what resonates and leave the rest! YOU know you best! 

Alright, let’s dive in… what is a threesome?!

I wish I could provide a clear cut answer to this question, but the truth is, I can’t. I don’t mean to disappoint, but here’s why. Yes, we can agree the term threesome involves three consenting individuals, but does this necessarily mean nudity or intercourse? Well, no. As we begin exploring dream threesomes, I think it’s important to acknowledge that multi-person play can happen in a variety of ways.

In her book The Ultimate Guide to Threesomes, Stella Harris writes that especially if it’s your first threesome, “it can be a great idea to start small. There doesn’t need to be nudity or genitally focused sex acts for a threesome to be fun.”

We highly recommend this book to anyone looking to create the threesome right for them!

She makes a great point here! Our seasoned readers know all too well that true intimacy surpasses the physical act of sex! It involves establishing safety and trust, knowing our bodies, setting our boundaries, and establishing great communication to truly allow ourselves the brain space to receive pleasure. Can a threesome include all parties participating in intercourse? Yes, but couldn’t it also manifest as an intimate massage? Snuggling? Strip games, or simply making out? Yes, yes, yes, and yes!

The Safety of the Set Up

It’s always first, isn’t it? The fact is this can be a really big decision requiring planning and patience, but can also happen on a whim! And even though many of our fantasies include this out-of-the blue rendezvous, we are here to inform you that the random hook-up is rare, people! It just is. I think many people feel that if there’s too much planning involved the sexiness fades, when that certainly doesn’t have to be true! Where there’s a will, there’s a way, so trust your gut. Here’s how we recommend doing this safely.

First, communication is key.

There are lot of reasons to have a threesome, and many reasons not to, so please marinate on this for a while. Some great reasons to seek a threesome could include living out fantasies, trying something new with a partner or friend, meeting new people intimately, or even confronting jealousy or possessiveness! However, threesomes can’t fix what may feel like a broken relationship, and should never be used as a form of revenge. Our sexuality is precious, and when we are injured or injure others within this realm, the hurt resonates deeply and can carry on for many years. When done with integrity, the joy can last for just as long. Our tip? Make sure you’re sound in your decision and that all parties involved are game.

Second, allow yourself to trust everyone involved.

Here in 2022, there are many great sites to plan hook-ups like Adult Friend Finder, Fet Life, and 3Fun, or you could party with people you already know! However, when seeking your dream threesome, ask the questions that are most important to you while allowing others to do the same. What do I mean? I’m so glad you asked! Let’s say you’re in a relationship and looking for a third to horizontal hokey-pokey. Are you okay with your partner kissing someone else? What is their comfortability with you doing the same? Are you looking to invite a man, a woman, or someone non-binary? Which positions have you pictured in your fantasies? Knowing what’s comfortable and what isn’t is vitally important here!

If you’re single, how do you see the threesome of your dreams? Do you want to know these people after the deed, or are you simply looking for the experience by itself? Get specific! Write it all down! And let yourself fantasize! I’ve said for years that sex is wonderfully weird. I’ve had some straaaange sex dreams that left me waking up, craving pizza. All I’m saying is the flow of our thoughts is unpredictable at best, but very informative! Listen and tune into yourself to find what works for you without shame or guilt!

Last, use protection and don’t feel weird asking potential partners about their sexual health.
Need some condoms? We’ve got you covered! Lovability condoms are made from high-quality, long-lasting latex, and the packaging is great!

There are ways to conduct these conversations with kindness. You could start by opening up about your own sexual health, and go from there! We feel comfortable speaking about our health in every other way! The truth is, stigmas surrounding sexual health keep people in cycles of either catching STI’s or judging others who have them all because they lack good information. Save yourself the stress – ask and share.

Minding Manners

Believe it or not, this topic is so incredibly vast, multiple thick books and articles have been written about it. This is just one more in a wide sea of information, and we still highly suggest reading from some pros, like Stella Harris! That said, let’s talk etiquette. And guess what… we’re talking about honesty and boundaries!

Yes, lovers, your honesty is an aspect of basic politeness.

In order to achieve the threesome of your dreams, honesty is crucial. How can you expect honesty from a group if you’re not showing up honestly yourself? Every successful threesome story I’ve heard involves all people getting their needs met, and that doesn’t happen by magic. Discussing our needs, fantasies, hard yeses and clear no’s can play into the sexiness and success of great threesomes! Also, whatever boundaries you and your partners set need to be respected at all times. Everyone’s major is sex organ is their big, juicy brain. If that brain doesn’t feel safe or respected, it’s a no-O-go! (See what I did there?)

The greatest joys of threesomes come when all involved are comfortable and relaxed! Provide snacks and beverages, negotiate how to take breaks, and make comfortable space! This extra time and courtesy can yield true partnered ecstasy, great orgasms, and maybe some great snuggled sleep! Like anything else, if you’re hosting, we urge you to be a good host! If you’re a guest, be a great guest! Some light food, beverages, and great music are great ingredients to get the night going.

Lastly, should we expect the threesome to be perfect?

Should we expect to have the greatest orgasm ever, and if we don’t, deem the experience a huge mistake? No. When we start discussing multi-person play, I personally believe we should emphasize sensuality over overt sexuality. There’s an element of trial and error to any first intimate encounter, so of course there will be when another person is added to the mix. Whether we’re talking sweet caressing or steamy, more time-consuming BDSM, a threesome can be quite the experience! We should feel free to revel in all parts of it. Feel each other. Luxuriate in each other by recognizing that you are a part of beauty itself. Then joyfully recognize, so are they.

Do Unicorns Exist in Real Life?

Yes they do! This guy may not be the usual suspect, but who knows! Stella Harris defines unicorns like this: “Generally, any third in a threesome scenario. Initially coined to refer to an attractive bisexual woman who would join a couple to fulfill their fantasies while not having needs of her own, and who would then go her own way. Termed unicorn because such people don’t exist.” A lot to unpack here, but this definition gives us a lot of important information to go off of.

Unicorns are people with needs too!

I think it’s important Harris defined unicorn in this way. Many seeking a dream threesome as a couple think their unicorns won’t have needs of their own, or that their role is limited to giving the couple the pleasure they crave. Consent reigns as the ruler of all sexual encounters, and a threesome is no different. Everyone is there, everyone deserves the pleasure of the moment! Fair, right? Right. Now, are all unicorns looking for an orgasm? Not necessarily. Just like threesomes are difficult to clearly define, the roles of unicorns can be too. Really, it’s whatever consenting adults agree to.

Another important point – do all threesomes have a unicorn? NO! Sometimes three people can just agree to have a great time! I think the name of the threesome game is expanding your view of sexuality, and enjoying the ride!

So how did my snowy night end?

Wonderfully, all because of how it began. I was blessed to have amazing partners who ensured comfortability, respect, sensuality, and safety. By the time we were finished, we all giggled and snuggled sweetly. I can’t speak for them, but the threesome almost felt like an out of body experience. It was as if we were dancing in the stars. Was it hot? Hell yes! I didn’t worry about my imperfections once, which came as a shock. Deep down, I still thought I had to be enough for good sex, or to even be considered attractive. I compared myself to every person I considered beautiful, and always felt just out of reach. Almost enough, but not quite. I didn’t yet realize great intimacy could be available to everyone! Two incredible human beings changed that for me. I’m thankful for their gorgeous selves and souls to this day. Their support, sweetness, and loving willingness to play actually changed my life. Since that night I have loved my body and spirit more by judging them less. You know who you are, and I will never forget you. I send you silent smiles often and hope you receive them, only to find yourselves smiling out of the blue.

Good luck out there, lovers! We at Trystology wish you safety, joy, acceptance, beauty and a very Happy National Threesome Day! Something to note – other than defining the term unicorn, this article was intentionally written to be genderless. The threesome of your dreams won’t be the same as others, but we all experience intimacy, touch, arousal and fantasy. May we all revel in the skin we’re in! Period!

Curious about what else we’re up to? Follow us on Instagram! @Trystology

A Valentine’s Sneak Peek of Trystology’s Top-10 Toys!

Hello readers, and welcome back to Trystology Talk Valentine’s edition, part two! We are kicking off Valentine’s weekend with a list of our Top-10 Toys, so if you’re new, lucky you!

Trystology started this “Month of Love” with a simple challenge. You were all invited to somehow prioritize yourselves every day for two weeks, all to prepare for authentic time spent with the ones you love this Valentine’s Day! Our question? How did that go? Would you say it was… easy?

If you did we’re jealous, because prioritizing ourselves wasn’t easy at all! Life moves fast and the truth is, in order to have quality alone time, we have to make it. There were days my only quality time was a thoughtful cup of tea. However, I also found pockets of time throughout the week where I could set time for myself more often. Easy? No. Worth it? You bet! So in light of our collective “ah-ha” moment, we have an idea!

This may sound bold, but after all this quality time reprioritizing the relationship with ourselves, Trystology wants to re-invent Valentine’s Day!

Maybe instead of roses or chocolates for just one day, we could dedicate time to ourselves whenever possible, (especially in February), to better appreciate those closest to us year-round. And yes, we have the ability to make that process sensual! Life is so multi-dimensional, and when we stay connected to ourselves, we can connect honestly with the ones we love! It is feasible to live our busy lives, and introduce romantic escapades, quality time, and even toys to our partners with fierce confidence as ourselves! It’s simply all about making the time.

And here’s a little secret – when we know what we like alone, we’re better equipped to excel in partnered bliss!  

So here it is, the wait is over! We proudly present Trystology’s Top-10 Toys, and wish you and your partner quality time… together!

#1 – Bondage Sets

You may be asking why we started here. Does it vibrate? Nope. Mandate penetration or aggression? Also noooooo! Bondage is all about taking something away to heighten something else, and yes, this comes in varying degrees. It requires consent above all else, because bondage is meant to aid in vulnerability as opposed to ever causing harm to another individual. And whereas flogging, restraints, ball-gags and blindfolds can seem scary, the true benefit of these tools isn’t defined by how brutally they’re used. The measure of their benefit exists within the deep intention of their use. 

As a quick example, let’s explore blindfolds! When we blindfold our partners, or allow them to blindfold us, we invite a heightened level of focus to our sensual experience. The human body is so attuned to knowing our surroundings that when one sense is removed, or hindered, the others heighten! Blindfolds, and other bondage tools, can give couples the opportunity to reconnect and rediscover each other, sweety with some spice so nice. Here are our favorite sets, but we also sell blindfolds galore! Take a browse. 

Top Shelf! Zalo and Upko – Luxurious and Romantic Bondage Kit: This set is luxury, gorgeous, and gilded with gold detail. If you’re seeking sexy Victorian glam, look no further!

#1 Top Ten Toys

Best Value! Rianne S Kinky Me Softly Bondage Set: This set is easy to pack up and doesn’t break the bank!

#2 – Liberator Wedge Pillows

I’d like to ask delicately if you’ve ever been in an intimate position that was… um… difficult to hold? Perhaps, unsteady? Maybe kinda awkward? Well, we all need some cushion for the pushin’ sometimes, and Liberator products are here to save you! We picked the Liberator Wedge Pillows as #2 on our list because of just how much comfort, control, and depth of sensation they provide couples by positioning them comfortably. These pillows are specifically designed to support backs while lifting the goods! They come in cute designs, they’re discrete, they’re strong, super durable, and they help! 

#2 Top Ten Toys

Honestly, just please get one! Please! You will not regret it, we promise!

#3 – Hot Octopus Atom Plus

One of the hardest questions any of us get in the shop is, “What is the best toy?!” The question usually accompanies hopeful eyes. The truth is we all have a different answer because every body is unique. To us, vibrating toys are defined by their type of vibration. As our long-time readers know, not all vibration is created equal! It’s just not. Some rumble, some buzz, some flicker, and all feel great to different people! Hot Octopus products sport a both rumbly and fast vibration all at once, and their Atom Plus does not disappoint.

#3 Top Ten Toys

This tool provides restriction to the penis, vibration to the testicles, and equal vibration to anyone enjoying the ride! The silicone is beautifully made, and my favorite part of this tool is the width of vibration for that cowgirl in you! Even though the Atom Plus is classified as a “cock-ring”,  it’s perfectly designed to vibrate the entire clitoral network of the rider.   

#4 – We-Vibe Moxie

We-Vibe products always find a way into our top recommendations for good reason! Their silicone is supple and smooth, and the vibration varies from low to strong seamlessly. We put the Moxie at #4 on our list because of how flirty it is! Looking to be a tease, or just teased? The We-Vibe Moxie snaps onto the panty-line with a durable magnet. Once in place, pull up those big girl panties and buzz around! You can keep the remote for a sneaky self-pleasured day, or surrender the controls to someone you love!

#4 Top Ten Toys

 

If you’re craving a fun date night, and have or love a clitoris, this toy turns up the heat for a steamy night’s end. 

Trystology Tip: While not all women require clitoral stimulation to achieve climax, most do. And not for, like, a few seconds either. The fact is, it takes a lot of women up to 40 minutes of stimulation to have an orgasm, and tools like this, teasing like this, can help clitoral companions get there faster!  

#5 – Aneros Syn V

We’re talking booty, boo! Ah, the Aneros Syn V. Full disclosure, if we were making a list strictly about anal play, men’s health, or orgasms by direct prostate engagement, this tool would be #1. The Aneros Syn V is designed to vibe directly on the prostate by way of the anus. The silicone is smooth, yet hard, for a steady, strong vibration that won’t quit. 

#5 Top Ten Toys

But Trystology… aren’t there implications to finding anal stimulation pleasurable? What if I’m… straight? 

Well, it’s one thing if anal play isn’t your thing, but men find internal stimulation pleasurable because there’s a lot of nerve endings down there, period. Sexual orientation has nothing to do with it! Better yet, internal stimulation with the prostate can cause much more intense orgasms for men while ensuring a fully emptied prostate. Health!

#6 – We-Vibe Tango X

So nice, We-Vibe made it on Trystology’s top ten toys twice! The We-Vibe Tango X is a very versatile tool. It has a rumbly vibration that goes from a steady low to a decent high. The glory of this tool is not in it’s crazy power, however. Rumbly vibrations penetrate the skin, pleasuring deeper nerves, so the Tango X provides pointed vibration for full body chills.

#6 Top Ten Toys

It’s also one of the longest bullet vibrators on the market. It’s a ‘choose-your-own-adventure’ bullet, and we approve!

#7 – Rianne S Plugs

The Rianne S Plugs made #7 on our list for all the right reasons! Even if this type of play makes you squeamish, please read!!

In our humble Trystology opinion, plugs don’t get the credit they deserve, but we understand why! This type of pleasure can seem really intimidating at first! I’ve said it in previous articles, and I’ll say it again… I don’t know you, but say you were standing in front of me, minding your business peacefully. Then, out of nowhere, I lunged at you. I guarantee your sphincter would pucker! Don’t act like it wouldn’t! 

When we are afraid, we tense! And anal play, when done incorrectly, can be incredibly uncomfortable. However, when done correctly, (by ensuring trust, consent and optimal arousal, using lube, relaxing, etc), anal play can take any sex life to the next level! These plugs made our top ten toys list because they can stimulate prostates just as effectively as they can stimulate g-spots! 

#7 Top Ten Toys

Rianne S. uses very soft silicone, and provides sets to steadily graduate the size of your plug if you want, and at your pace. They also offer gold metal plugs, allowing more advanced users to explore internal pressures and temp variations. And they’re so cute!

#8 – SpareParts Joque Harness

Here at Trystology, we completely understand the importance of finding a good harness. Strapping up can be so fun, so empowering, so intimate, but if the harness isn’t secure and comfortable, fully embracing your sexy self can be tough. So without further ado, we introduce the Joque Harness to our top ten toys list!

#8 Top Ten Toys

At #8, the SpareParts Joque Harness ensures the security you need for the passionate play you crave. The O-Ring is interchangeable, giving the wearer options regarding dildo sizes. Our favorite part of this harness is the sneaky pocket, perfectly made for bullets or vibes, so the wearer can give and receive. 

#9 – Vixen Creations Maverick VixSkin – Tie Bright

We can’t say enough good about VixSkin products, and since they’re here at #9, we’re thrilled to tell you why. The silicone used to create VixSkin dildos is supreme! These products are smooth yet sturdy, and beautifully shaped for thoroughly enjoyed fullness! And that’s not all…

#9 Top Ten Toys

Sure, a nice, realistic dildo is great, and this company creates many, but they also create products on the wild side… and this is important! Let’s face it! Some people love penises, real in all of their splendor, and others don’t! We picked this beautiful Tie Bright design to showcase a beautiful dildo that doesn’t take itself so seriously! If you’re looking for fullness, a smooth feel, and some delightful fun, the Maverick Tie Bright is one of our favorites!

#10 – An Authentic, Well-Taken Care of YOU!

#10 YOU!

We know this last one is cheeky, but authentic love requires all of you! Even if no toys ever make their way to your partnered or un-partnered bedroom, your creativity, desire, and presence will always belong to you. We at Trystology encourage you to foster relationships which encourage you to cultivate, renew, and remind yourself of the love you crave, and the life you strive to lead! This especially includes your relationship with yourself! Share that authentically!

“But Trystology, we’re busy!” Yeah, yeah, we are too. We’re not saying that here in 2022, it’s simple to make time for ourselves, our partners, or our passions. We’re just saying it’s necessary. So this Valentine’s Day, give the gift of time. Time to yourself and those you love doesn’t happen by magic. Like all things in life, these things happen when we plan for them. So plan to live a smile-worthy life! And start today!

Oh… and please, please make time for your orgasm. Own it! Self-love is the gift that keeps on giving, and Trystology wishes you and your partner abundance, joy, connected intimacy, and a very Happy Valentine’s Day!

Trystology would like to say a special thank you to AVN!!!!

AVN, (The Adult Video Network), has nominated Trystology as 2022’s Best Boutique!! In the NATION!! We don’t know how well you know the industry, but this is a HUGE HONOR!

First, congratulations to our very own Roylin Downs! None of this is possible without you, and you have uplifted your staff along with your community. You’ve changed our lives, enabling us to give the love you teach. Thank you, Roylin <3


And to our loyal customers, new and old, this really isn’t possible without you! We strive to give you the best only as a reminder that you deserve the best. Because you do, in all areas of your life! But only if you believe it.

We know you’re worth it, always! And we love you, Valentine! <3

Trystology’s Hunting For Treasure This Valentine’s Month!

The kind within, not without. You’ve just been invited to a self-love treasure hunt!

“Remember that wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure.”

Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

I know writers have written about love for centuries, but these wise words from Paulo Coelho jumped off the page when I first read The Alchemist. They immediately sparked the thought, “Pssst! Yes, excuse me, but… has anyone seen my heart?! I need to find my treasure… now!!”

And it’s always right where I left it… on the inside.

Trystology Talk is back, and here to ring in this month of L-O-V-E with a Pre-Valentine’s Day self-love treasure hunt!

Your challenge, if you dare to accept, is no simple task! Team Trystology invites you to join us as we relocate, recalibrate, and renew our hearts to properly assess how they’re functioning and impacting our lives.

Our goal?

To love authentically!

And look, I’m not saying the way you love now isn’t wonderful! I’d imagine you’re like most of us – great sometimes, while lacking others. That’s normal! However, the better we assess our own emotional needs, the more understanding we have of ourselves and others. We learn to love deeper. Isn’t it true? Anytime we deeply look into ourselves, we recognize just how complex this human experience really is. In all that vastness, you too deserve love. Behind your eyelids, you deserve your own love.

Sounds great, I know… but what is love?!

(Baby, don’t hurt me!… Look, you’d think it if I didn’t write it, and if you don’t get it, enjoy your youth…)

Theoretically, I’m not qualified to answer this question. Scientifically I’m not either, but the emotion of love is primarily governed by the brain chemical, oxytocin. Oxytocin is produced upon orgasm, yes, but more specifically, it’s also the chemical that makes us feel attached to our friends, families, and partners. It combats stress by regulating cortisol levels in the body, proving a happy life is in fact a healthier one too!

Remember, though, we said challenge, and in order to find our treasure, we have to look within.

Isn’t it interesting how much our minds wander, from the past to the future, while our bodies and hearts remain restricted by this present moment? Sometimes we get caught in the race of life and forget we need our own attention too! Our health and well-being depend on it!

So, your challenge is this:

Go to your calendar, you’re embarking on Trystology’s Self-Love Treasure Hunt!! For the next 14 days, you must do something for yourself and OWN IT! Every. Day. It could be a bath. Perhaps a meditation or a yoga routine. Maybe it’s a walk, or a quiet moment to enjoy a hot coffee. Could be a song, or a new playlist dedicated to yourself. We recommend including time to self-pleasure! Whatever resonates with you, (and feasibly makes sense as an addition to your life), set reminders on your phone to follow through, all the while keeping your intention clear. This time is meant to ask yourself what you need right now, without judging the response.

I know this self-love treasure hunt isn’t easy, because on January 15th, Trystology began a 21-day challenge highlighting our gorgeous, and my new favorite, Chakrubs collection. These authentic crystal tools vary in shape and design, and benefit anyone seeking an intentional and natural addition to their sensual lives. Chakrubs features the discrete Slim, the full Original, the powerful Curve, and one of the oldest passion products known to women – the yoni egg.

Chakrubs genuine gem products come in nephrite jade, rose quartz, amethyst, black obsidian, quartz, and rhodonite. They are only safe when inserted vaginally, but can comfortably remain inside of the body for multiple hours. Once in, the egg acts as a weight for the vaginal wall to both squeeze and birth. They add intention to meditation, and make for a pleasant, gentle reminder to do your Kegels! (<— Mayo Clinic link, and worth a read!)

Trystology tip, please don’t disregard!: When seeking your yoni egg, or any crystal products meant for internal use, please find manufacturers who guarantee safety. Some crystals and stones are porous, leaving room for bacteria to grow. We provide Chakrubs tools because they’re ethically sourced, and made for internal pleasure. Just check their FAQ’s!

I’ll be honest – this challenge has been harder than I thought.

All of the Chakrubs products have an optional journal, and each prompt is deep. For instance, right here and now, what are you birthing into this world? Or this – what most often keeps you from accomplishing your goals? And maaaybe those are simple for you, but as a mid-challenge report, I’m frustrated how difficult it is to prioritize time for myself! But I’m also hopeful. Slowly, day after day, I am getting closer to my treasure.

Stay tuned for our final challenge updates. In the meantime, turn your internal compass toward your heart, and walk with us. Again, set reminders on your phone to do something for you. It might not be easy, but it’s worth it.

Happy Hunting! Treasure awaits!

For updates on the challenge, please follow us on Instagram!! @trystology

Your Orgasm, Your Pleasure… OWN IT THIS YEAR!

To all of our readers, followers, clients and friends, Trystology wishes you a joyfully kind, abundantly healthy, and sensually loving, Happy New Year!! 

Trystology here, as always, to encourage you to find the pleasure you deserve in your relationships, bodies, and lives throughout the new year! With 2021 in the rearview and 2022 ahead, how can we inspire the world and ourselves, even having gone through such awe-striking shifts? We are all people changed, yet we still can find ways to smile and enjoy our lives. Jobs are different. However, joy and heartache together make deeper capacities for love!

Here’s the thing… I think there’s a reason Trystology has succeeded through this pandemic. By encouraging people to find the pleasure they deserve!

I think we’ve exposed a wide community to self-care on levels we never thought possible. We all know so… we’ve seen it! We’ve seen women tear up, made non-binary people feel beautiful. All of us have had amazing conversations with great couples while empowering individuals and families. Trystology connected with a non-profit organization who resonated with us, (The Coalition For Family Harmony! We love you!), and we went Live on Instagram together! We’ve truly moved a needle very few organizations are able to even budge… at all! 

We are all, also, a group of women who share, dream, and create together. All while recognizing the feminine power we hold for each other. 

I somehow want this blog to be about empowerment and manifestation, and how a sexual practice, whether alone or partnered, can be a creative and effective way to manifest the life you want! 

I know times can feel tough, but collectively, this is what we at Trystology are doing for our community, isn’t it? And it’s working. We are for real… touching lives in very crazy times. 

The world is becoming exposed, because guess what?! We should ALL feel free to express exactly who we are! And know deep aspects as gems for ourselves too. That these don’t have to be separate things!

We have so much to celebrate this year. And somehow, we want our community to be encouraged to make the same magic in their lives too.

You know, I’ve never personally been a fan of resolutions, but in honor of this year, we pose one.  Own your orgasm this year!  Seriously! Own it!!!

This past year has been a lot for any brain to take on – and if you’ve followed us for any time, you may know that the brain is the biggest sex organ!

Not the genitals…  An orgasm is a unique reflex governed by the brain, expressed through the genitals, that releases a unique cocktail of dopamine (pleasure, desire, motivation), oxytocin (the bonding hormone), prolactin (satisfaction), and vasopressin (pain relief). Once climax is achieved, the brain itself slows down, and we’re left happy, sleepy, and relaxed. This cocktail also combats cortisol, our body’s alarm system made by the kidneys to help us run from danger.

What causes too much cortisol these days?

Stress!  Overwork!  And Judgements we might carry with us… from whatever source you trust… So our advice is to make time for YOU! Self Care, and self pleasure!  Here at Trystology we promote an orgasm-a-day. Are we saying regular climaxing is a fix all? No. But give this a try:

Find a quiet moment alone. Close your eyes, and see yourself and the fully realized you, then see if you can use your orgasm to become more and more of that. Make it a practice, and see what happens. Because we’re here to tell you this – beauty, wealth, success, blah, blah, blah – those things don’t validate you, or make you sexy. Authenticity, and perhaps a little self pleasure… that, however, does.

As you encourage yourself to find the pleasure you deserve this year… come as you are.

Take a look at yourself, and say proudly, “I am the only me! The same creative force that made mountains, oceans, stars and trees made me! And deep within me, that same creativity pulses. I am the Queen of my body, or the King of my soul! I own my orgasm!”

Wear the skin you’re in proudly, and let it become your home. Know, deep within, that superficiality does not validate you. Your heart, soul, uniqueness and owning your pleasure does.

To our regular readers and shoppers, thank you. Without you, none of this is possible! 

Shout out to our vagina owners!

Trystology is hosting a 30 day challenge to further encourage you to find the pleasure you deserve this year!

This may look like a quail egg, but it’s not. It’s one the oldest vaginal tools in the world, called the yoni egg, one of the many products created by Chakrubs. The yoni helps keep the vaginal wall tight, which in turn, strengthens our orgasm, while others have penetrative girth. The challenge, if you so choose to take it, is to use these gorgeous crystal tools  to encourage you to find the pleasure you deserve throughout the new year! It’s a personal 21-day devotion to self. Take a deep dive into the comprehensive four-phase workbook developed by Founder Vanessa Cuccia, designed to support you in making your Chakrubs practice a habit that enriches every area of your life.

Create a deep, transformative relationship with your Chakrub, awaken your erotic potential and be supported by practical tips like how to introduce yourself to your Chakrub, different ways to energetically cleanse your Chakrub, how to ask for and receive guidance from your Chakrub, internal and external massage techniques, and more! 

Please follow us on Instagram! The challenge starts January 15th, so stay tuned there, and get your Chakrubs while supplies last!

The Many Loves of Polyamory Explained

Welcome to Trystology Talk, where we shamelessly discuss sexuality in all of its expressions!

This month we open the roundtable to polyamory!

November 23rd is National Polyamory Day, and this hot topic has many thrilled, and others flat-out scared and confused. In 2021 we’re seeing celebrities from Bella Thorne to Will and Jada Pinkett-Smith proudly claim their polyamorous natures, sites dedicated hook-ups, and a portion of our society bucking against the societal norms of “traditional” marriage and partnership… which for some is incredibly uncomfortable. But why? And of course, what is polyamory, and what is it not?

If you’ve followed this blog for a while, you may know I’m a fan of words and their meanings, so let’s break down the word polyamory before we dive any further…

Poly-amory is literally defined as many loves, hence the title The Many Loves of Polyamory Explained.

It’s important to note the absence of the word “sex” here. I say this because our society often times hears polyamorous as synonymous with sexual deviancy, irresponsibility, or something inherently sneaky, which couldn’t be further from the truth. Whereas there’s no one way to be poly, (and there’s certainly no one right way to do it), the world of polyamory requires communication and consent above all else. It may surprise you to know polyamory requires its own ethics – a deep knowing of self, and a willingness to explore the individual ownership of our complex emotions, needs, and desires. Sounds healthy in comparison to the general assumption, doesn’t it?

Side note, I think it’s important to highlight one more thing before we expose the goods.

This blog is dedicated to shamelessly giving everyone the permission to enjoy the pleasure of their human experience. Beautifully so, we all share different expressions of this “being-ness.” This article is not written to convince the world that all people are poly, just as this blog is not written to convince anyone they’re gay, lesbian, bi, trans, queer, heterosexual, asexual, male, female, or non-binary. These articles are written to expose our community to the vastness which makes us human. Period. My personal fascination with human sexuality is rooted in a deep awe of our collective ability to create something out of nothing.

To me, sexuality encompasses ultimate creativity. Viewing it as such has allowed me to see, know, and love aspects of myself and my own creations with more honor, respect, and compassion than I ever thought possible. It’s to this end we write, we educate, and we present Trystology as a safe space for everyone. That said, let’s carry on.

We’ll start by taking a more fluid approach to another word – commitment.

This word can feel limiting and triggering for many of us, for adult life requires a lot of it. We commit ourselves to our work and bills. We commit ourselves to our families and friends. If someone has done something society deems wrong, they’re committed, just as traditionally partnered couples can be committed to one another. But because of the binding vibration we feel when we hear this word, as like so many others, we tend to avoid our true understanding to what we are personally committed to doing, accomplishing, and succeeding in our lives. To quote an extremely well-written sentence from The Ethical Slut, “People can make commitments to each other in numbers greater than two.” Our commitments, just like our desires, vary and are vast and many.

Yes, for some, the commitment of love and sexuality authentically surpasses monogamy, and may add a third partner, a fourth, or a general openness to a greater community. Sometimes this multi-relationship status is completely void of sex, primarily focusing on the intimacy of emotional connection. For some, sex is seen as a friendly past-time, like shopping or grabbing coffee. Others see relationships as hierarchal and actively maintain their primary relationship while engaging sexualluy in secondary relationships on the side. To add to the mix, triadic, (party of three) and quadratic, (party of four) relationships involve long term commitments with a greater group. These are all expressions of polyamory, making this particular term immune to singular definition.

The lingering question is how can this possibly work?

Even for our monogamous crowd, I ask you the readers to count how many intimate relationships exist within your partnership. If you’re coupled, you may have said two, yours to your partner’s, and your partner’s to you, but we’re here to challenge that. Even in traditional coupled partnership, four relationships exist, ie A-B, B-A, A-A, and B-B. To be less cryptic, our partners have a connection with us, we have a connection to them, yes. But each partner also has a separate connection to themselves. We even experience this in our closest friendships! And this fact becomes paramount within any polycule for some major and important reasons! Navigating these waters is exactly why polyamory requires communication and respect, while owning what belongs to ourselves independently!

Remember, polyamory simply means many loves, and in light of many loves, we must face self-love as an integral aspect of our lives. Why?

Well, let’s talk about jealousy, and our collective harsh judgement of this particular emotion.

“They’re just jealous,” is a common validating term we say to ourselves to self-soothe while degrading others, when there’s nothing so simple about this emotion! Jealousy is a natural expression, like anger or sadness, that isn’t bad or good. It just is. And when we experience it, we can either allow it to overcome our entire being and close us down, or we can take it as the presence of a teacher perhaps exposing something our being is craving to overcome. As with all things in life, do we own it, or allow it to own us?

Jealousy in polyamorous partnerships comes up, just like all other relationships!

It just does. This is why communication, consent, and boundaries are so necessary to achieve partnered bliss. When we experience jealousy, it usually comes with some friends, namely shame, guilt, blame, and denial. This fun mental party we’ve all experienced is, sorry to say, a natural teacher who will continue teaching us until we decide to listen or completely shut down. Poly couples commit to openness around this emotion. Instead of villainizing jealousy, they choose to embrace it together, challenging all partners to grow into a deeper understanding of self, and the struggles of humanity we all inevitably face.

Poly couples also commit to conflict resolution in order to keep vulnerability safe and sacred.

None of us are perfect. If you’ve read previous articles, you may know I view ‘perfect’ as one of the worst words in language today. Conflicts come up! But what do we do with them when they occur? And how do we honor our feelings without destroying another person’s confidence or the opinions they’ve constructed along they’re own life path? Personally, the people I love most in this world are also the ones I’ve fought the most. Not to say I seek a fight to validate my love through fights! At all! But if I have the confidence to fight a loved one, it’s usually because I care enough to do so, and feel safe enough to share what’s actually on my mind.

When maintaining multiple partnerships, this level of vulnerability becomes crucial. We all have bad days. We all struggle with certain things. Intimacy, above all else, involves a general acceptance of this so we don’t have to go at it alone.

Which brings us to agreements and consent in action.

Every partnership consists of two or more unique human expressions, and we all have things we are willing to do, accept, experience… and those we aren’t. Agreements and consent are important for all partners, but become especially highlighted within the realm of polyamory. Poly relationships are not inherently abusive or neglectful. They’re honoring, both of self and of union, by establishing clear and followed agreements based upon each members’ consent. And we all have something to learn here, which is this. Our thoughts matter. Our feelings… matter. Our mental health and wellbeing matters. Big time. And if we can’t cultivate a voice to stand up for the things that matter most to us, how will they matter to anyone else?

To our polyamorous crowd and clientele, we want to offer a special thanks.

Even for those of us who identify as monogamous, you have shared incredible wisdom and knowledge surrounding boundaries, consent, and how to view our relationships with intimacy as something we foster from within. For more information, we Trystologists highly suggest finding a copy of The Ethical Slut, written by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton. Their writing inspired so much of this article. We thank these authors for their dedication to a life lived on their terms! It has given their readers permission to do the same.

As always, we love our community, and feel incredibly blessed to share dynamic aspects core to this human experience. May you all see yourselves as worthy of your love, no matter how you define it. As far as we’re concerned, you have full permission to live your life on your terms! And we’re honored to remind you any time we can.

To Toy Or Not To Toy

That is the question, isn’t it?

Welcome back! Trystology here to celebrate National Sex Toy Day! Yes, November 4th is actually National Sex Toy Day across the nation, and we assure you, this isn’t just an excuse to sell toys. Honestly, the toys do that for themselves. To us, National Sex Toy Day is an opportunity to encourage everyone to further explore the skin they’re in… because they deserve to!

In fact, have you ever asked yourself why this store exists in the first
place?

Well, community, for those who don’t know her, and even for those who do, allow us to introduce our fearless leader, Roylin Downs! As a business owner, real estate professional, mother, wife, and incredible example of how to
live a full and happy life, she constantly inspires all those who work for Trystology to reach for the stars. Oh, and yes… she actually lives by the philosophy of having a daily orgasm. And whereas sexuality has always been a passion of hers, toys are a newer addition to her life than you might think! She, like many others, was curious about using them, and liked
the idea, but what if someone saw her purchasing a toy? How would she face the
embarrassment of walking into an uncomfortable store? And what would people
think?!

Statistically, the chances this resonates with you are very high. Seriously! We hear it all the time. And this is where we, as a collective, come face to face with our overarching discomfort with how we got here in the first place! I’ll try to whisper this
softly, as not to offend…

SEX! SEX! SEX!

You. Are Here. Because. Of SEX! But societally, we don’t really want to talk about it. Least of all, give ourselves open permission to enjoy the creative process sex can provide, which one can surmise, may be one root of why ANY creation in our lives labeled “worth while,” must involve ultimate struggle and stress in order to validate itself. Doesn’t make a lot sense when you think about it, does it?

But why?

Historically speaking, it could be for a lot of reasons. Trauma? Sometimes. Lack of understanding/inner-standing? Usually. Suffering from bad information? Almost always. To toy or not to toy confronts our discomfort with sex, or bigger yet ourselves, head on. And for this holiday, we want to let you know this – more than having sexual organs, you have a nervous system! Think of your nervous system as the body’s general manager, and then think of what happens when your boss is grumpy 24/7. Do you like going to work under these circumstances? Probably not… (And if you do, you might be into some lovingly painful play! Let’s just say we have an entire section of our store just for you!)

Jokes aside, our brains and nervous systems do a lot! They keep us alive, and deserve a break every so often. Pleasure, whether it be a smile, snuggles, laughter, a warm bath, or a great orgasm, is essential to a life well lived. In not discussing our sexuality, we negate the importance of consent, and the grace of knowing what we like and what we don’t! After all, orgasms are actually good for you. Same as broccoli, or walking, or having healthy relationships can benefit a life in moderation, so can pursuing healthy and safe sexual pleasure. The biochemical composition of orgasms can help combat depression, boost our immune systems, and increase our everyday confidence! But no one feels shame about eating broccoli, so what’s the deal?

I digress…

Once upon a party, Roylin purchased her first toy.

She wasn’t comfortable entering the typical sex shop, but felt fine attending a party amongst friends. To her surprise, she wasn’t the only women there who felt this way! Statistics show many women still have no clue what their orgasm even feels like, if they’ve had one, or how to replicate the few they’ve had! We’ve said it before, and we’ll say it again, everyone’s major sex organ is their brain, and in order to orgasm, that GM must give the body permission. However, vibrators and other toys can quickly bypass the system, allowing our unique orgasms to reveal themselves. Rumbly coaxing, if you will. This realization, that so many women feared, dismissed, or felt ashamed of their pleasure, was the driving force behind Roylin’s creation of Trystology. Twelve years later, it exists as a monument and zocalo for all people to revel the skin they’re in.

Now, are we saying that in order to orgasm, you must have a toy?

Not at all! In fact, if toys just aren’t your thing, yet you know how to get yourself there in other ways, more power to you! We support that! But if you’re still wondering how to get yourself there, or want to spice things up, toys can be incredibly useful and fun. And you shouldn’t feel any guilt or shame for authentic desires you have, so long as consent is involved. Our goal here at Trystology is simply to provide you with options and tools you might not have thought of.

Now what kind of National Sex Toy Day would this be if we didn’t suggest a couple of beginner and user friendly tools to practice with?

This month we’re highlighting We-Vibe’s Tango X, and the Zalo Bess!

The We-Vibe Tango X is one of the best toys to boost anyone’s big moment.

It was designed to be just a bit longer than other bullets, and has a unique rumble that permeates deep into the skin. As a little side note, not all vibration is created equal. Some toys have a high, buzzy vibration, while other have a lower rumble. The higher, buzzy toys stimulate nerves on the skin level, but toys with more bass penetrate the skin. So because this bullet has a more rumbly vibe, it’s perfect for prostate stimulation, g-spot play, and a full body teasing. The vibrations are not too intense, either. We Trystologists classify this toy as a medium vibration. To toy or not to toy? This is a great first purchase to figure that out for yourself.

Zalo Bess is a store favorite, and very popular with our female clientele!

Bess has two motors – one for a pinpointed clitoral stimulation, and the other to power a discrete dildo on the opposite end… did we mention it’s gorgeous!? We recommend this toy as a starter due to it’s incredible versatility, and it’s undeniable benefit as a couple’s toy. Bess comes with three separate attachments for the clitoral side – a small silicone cap to spread the surface of vibration, a nipple stimulator, and a g-spot wand. It has a low, medium, and high level of vibration along with a pulsing, waving, and steady setting. Looking to spice things up? This tool is about five toys in one, which is precisely why we highly recommend it for anyone looking to explore. This tool works well with water-based lube, or oil. Please… no silicone lube on this baby. She’ll break! 

In short, ‘to toy or not to toy’ is not why Trystology exists…

Trystology is here, and will be for years to come, to provide safe space and permission for all looking to explore their pleasure by owning their orgasms. That general manager within, our brain, does need stress relief. And however you find it, we hope you remember to smile all while loving the skin you’re in. Our bodies are not meant to be judged, shamed, bullied, or worked to the bone. They are our homes, and will be for our entire lives. Trystology tip – enjoy every moment you can. You’re so worth it. In case you forget, we’re here to remind you again and again!

To our community, we love you, and thank you for making this place possible. May we all feel blessed and deserving of the beautiful skin we’re in!

Trystology Speaks Up this Domestic Violence Awareness Month

This article is about Domestic Violence. As the writer behind the veil, I admit, this is a tough topic. Not just because of how real this issue is to myself and millions of families, but because it deserves something special I learned from matriarchs in my family – compassion with intention. This compassion is not stagnant. It requires endurance and forward momentum, especially through rough waters.

When I even think about how to start this, my stomach boils and I get angry.

I know I’m angry due to the help of a lot of therapy. Because guess what? We all express anger, it just doesn’t always look like the typical, red-faced ear steam we see in cartoons. Anger is a natural human emotion, but one we must ask ourselves, “Do I own this emotion, or does it own me?” Sometimes it’s explosive, and other times it’s slow and precise. For some, it’s violent. We can learn to identify it and channel it in healthy ways, but anger, no matter the kind, can also build. And if stagnant anger or trauma builds high enough, people get sick.

Stress is a very literal killer in our society, and no one wants to talk about it.

When it comes to domestic violence, many don’t feel like they can. So, in honor of Domestic Violence Awareness Month, we at Trystology hope to give you a voice – one of support, respect, and empowerment. Whatever, wherever, and whoever you are, you deserve safety, kindness, and the comfort of your home. You deserve peace, not just in your surroundings, but in your mind. You deserve to see beauty in yourself and the world around you. And you deserve this, right now!

In fact, everyone deserves the fullness of this present moment. If only we all just knew it.

But this shit is just fluff to read when you’re going through it.

If dealing with domestic violence of any kind is part of your daily routine, life becomes walking a tightrope, or trying to live with a gorilla. If that gorilla wants to dance, oh… you’re dancing. You don’t have a choice… right?

But you do. Many choices, in fact.

The first question we collectively need to answer is … What is domestic violence?

Here’s the clearest definition I found:

“Domestic abuse, also called “domestic violence” or “intimate partner violence”, can be defined as a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner. Abuse is physical, sexual, emotional, economic or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure, or wound someone. Domestic abuse can happen to anyone of any race, age, sexual orientation, religion, or gender. It can occur within a range of relationships including couples who are married, living together or dating. Domestic violence affects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels.” 

Yes, this is how the United Nations defines it. I can’t think of a better way to put it. And domestic violence cases have been on the rise across the nation since Covid-19 began. But why? Why, does this very human inevitability of victim and villain exist? Why do human beings hurt each other… when they love each other? Even once?

The fact is, many of us didn’t see great examples of healthy love and affection as children. So enter, center-stage, generational trauma.

Life has a funny way of meeting our expectations, doesn’t it? Even as children, we mimic the world around us as we establish understandings of our world. If domestic violence is part of a child’s upbringing, then domestic violence is an aspect of their reality as well. And the cycle repeats. Over, and over again.

But what if we could expect… better? And we didn’t have to do it alone?

This month, Trystology had the honor of speaking with Laura Morales, the Housing Services Manager at The Coalition for Family Harmony here in Ventura. The Coalition is a registered 501c3 providing direct services to victims of domestic violence and sexual assault.

As we all spoke about this month, it felt like we all knew who and what we were looking at. Women who had been there. You could tell by how genuinely everyone listened. Heart listening. We all know the road out isn’t easy. It’s messy, mind, body and soul. It can feel endless. But one day, when we’re looking for the light, the clouds part and the skies clear. You make it, because you believed the sun was coming out again. It also takes a lot of work, and not the heavy lifting kind. The grit kind. The fighting-the-inner-self kind. Real shit.

According to The Coalition, 85% of victims are women, but their records only account for those who have come forward. According to California State statistics, over 30% of both men and women have been the victims of abuse, but again… these are just the reports.

We’ve clearly defined domestic violence, but what about other words commonly associated with it, like having a toxic relationship, or identifying narcissists?

These terms have picked up in their regularity, but what do we mean when we use them?

Toxic Relationship, you’re up first.

Any relationship that continually makes you feel worse rather than better can be considered toxic. Does this always have to include abuse or domestic violence? Strictly, no. Many of us have had toxic relationships. We know because we’ve felt the tethers holding us back, and hopefully make the tough decision to do what’s best for ourselves by fixing the issue or ending the relationship. (Easier said than done? Often, yes.) Can we unintentionally or intentionally victimize ourselves by blowing these incidents out of proportion? Statistically, yes. Many domestic violence claims are due to this alone. Toxic relationships can lead to domestic violence, but don’t inherently involve violence of any kind. A square can be a rectangle, but a rectangle isn’t a square.

Now you, the narcissists.

This word has caught on like wildfire, which is unfortunate, because narcissism is a diagnosable thing. The world is full of assholes, and we all have bad days. But not every asshole is a narcissist. I suppose the square/rectangle analogy applies here too.

According to the Mayo Clinic, Narcissistic Personality Disorder is defined as, “a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.”

And this very real sickness puts millions of people in danger each year, including the narcissist themselves. Narcissists often seek comfort in the illusion of ultimate control over everyone and everything around them. Many who suffer from this disorder witnessed horrors growing up and didn’t learn how to deal with any of it. These offenders can recover by taking classes and seeking therapy, but are often in denial or are too ashamed to do so on their own. That’s why states mandate that abusers attend classes and seek therapy, to limit repeat offenders within the system. Again, narcissists can be incredibly dangerous to themselves and others over time, so the psychological illness, when referenced, should be taken seriously.

So how can we bring light to this issue as a community? How can we provide safe space for victims of domestic violence and abuse respectfully? How can we encourage offenders to heal?

Remember?!

Compassion with intention. We forge forward to look at the stuff we’ve swept under the rug for too long, and decide to clean house. We teach ourselves to expect better than we’ve learned and we forgive ourselves. A call to the The Coalition in Ventura is a great start, but if you’re not in the Ventura community, here’s a list of NGO’s and safe houses near you.

The Coalition for Family Harmony – Ventura, CA

Greater California Domestic Violence Shelters Near You

Country Wide Safe Houses and Resources

Know this, whoever you are. You are not alone. Millions of men and women stand beside you. Help is out there. I remember an ah-ha moment I had after my own brush with domestic violence. I sat in a park and thought about victims and villains. These archetypes are so familiar to us, we forget they exist to express polarity. In my story, I had learned all intimate partners were villains, so inherently I was the victim. As time and healing passed by, I saw myself as neither. I saw myself as learning, nothing more. That acceptance has made all the difference.

“Never forget that walking away from something unhealthy is brave even if you stumble a little on your way out the door.”

Puzzling Out the Art of Family Sex Talks

Hey y’all, Happy Fall! Trystology’s back again puzzling out the birds, bees, and processes behind learning the pleasure centers of our bodies, family edition, and this time we’re calling a…

{scary tubas and high pitched violins!!!!}

Family Meeting!

Today we will be discussing the Art of Family Sex Talks. Look, I know we all dread the family sex talk, so in honor of National Family Sexuality Education Month, (I’m not trying to make a joke, but that’s a mouthful), we’re here to hopefully shed some light on how to open a dialogue about sex at home.

Whether your family is transparent about sexuality or not, we all know the awkward feelings that can come up when kids have questions about sex. That’s why this is called the art of family sex talks. There are also many schools of thought surrounding this issue. Every parent makes decisions about what information is appropriate for their children at any given age. For the health and wellbeing of children, we as adults need to provide our children with balanced answers to their immediate questions.

Does this mean we just… let them jump right in?

Well, hell no!

What we mean is this –  education is not abuse. I repeat, education is not abuse.

In fact, just the opposite. Knowledge is power! We tell our kids this all the time. When it comes to sexuality, knowledge yields responsibility, respect, kindness, and safety. Also, just as every child unique, every parent is too, so knowing what is appropriate when varies from family to family.

So readers, imagine we had a time machine to take us back to our budding time of puberty…

Blech, I couldn’t even write that with a straight face. Whether you’re experiencing it now, will be, or you’ve forgotten that version of you sprouting pubic hairs, puberty can feel like a real bag of cats. Your mind, body, and world view skyrocket into a whole new becoming.

Some of it’s fine. Some of it sucks.

Emotions are in a tailspin. Self-comparison is constant. Zits and cracked voices accompany new periods and wet dreams. It’s a party most would opt to miss.

But orgasms… well, orgasms are real great.

At some point, whether it’s you or the innocent person you’ve watched grow, we all discover our bits, and humanity is vast. In a world highly impacted by Wikipedia and porn, today’s kids need enough good information to make sense out of the world, and who they will become in it.

Life’s wild. Truly, things only become more wild as we find our place within this greater happening, but owning our orgasm is a practice that starts with us as the individual, not with a partner. In order to find a matching puzzle piece to our unique sexual needs, we should know the shape of our own piece! And this learning involves and requires a process. One that takes years, so keeping up with our bodies and needs is just another way to stay centered along the road

As adults, we learn with our kids.

Supporting those we love becomes very real when setting examples of healthy sexuality for our youth. As we all know, no matter how fiercely we may try to prevent or quickly remedy it, our children and teenagers will feel. They will feel everything, just like we all do. They will feel intense joy, pain, pleasure, success, failure, sadness, the whole enchilada. And arousal. That too. We all do. Our job as adults, parents and teachers is making open space for our youth to confidently find themselves, knowing love and acceptance will always be available to them. Especially through the bumpy parts.

So, how can we talk about sex with our kids, and how can we, the adults, do this while maintaining our own sexual health?

Well, It’s all in the presentation. 😉

Trystology’s Art of Family Sex Talks

First, be positive.

Remember, this conversation does not have be awful. In fact, a positive approach will teach young people the importance of self respect and self-care. Also, this conversation shouldn’t just be a “one-off.” Discussing sexuality is vulnerable by nature at all ages, and getting anywhere with this talk involves trust. Again, I’m going to remind everyone of the word process. Here’s another word… investment. Discussing sex with our kids is an investment in their emotional, physical, and over-all well-being.

Then, encourage.

Remember those days? Holy cow! I didn’t feel attractive, or understand how to speak to anyone I liked. I didn’t know or understand my value. In part, how could I? I was learning. Remind young people of all of their talents and attributes. Be authentic and vulnerable. Explain that it’s okay to be sexual, they are worth kindness and pleasure, and that you are there to support in any way you can.

It’s common to lead with the scary stuff… but try your best not to.

Should we discuss STIs? Yes. Pregnancy? Also yes. All to understand the inherent joy beneath our skin responsibly, so that we can enjoy it and encourage those we love to do the same. Using scare tactics regarding sex with kids hasn’t worked for centuries… let’s collectively move past this. For everyone’s sake.

October is a big month for sexual holidays, and there’s a big one on it’s way. National Coming Out Day! It’s important to mention this because your child’s sexuality may not exist on the same spectrum as yours does. Everyone, even your kid, is different, and this is perfect. There’s no one way to exploring sexuality, and reiterating this to our youth is a healthy reminder for we adults.

Invite conversation by making time to listen.

Sharing stories can break the ice, but can also miss the mark. Listen to what they’re experiencing, ask kind questions, and encourage them along their road. Do this for them, but let it be a reminder to check in with yourself.

Lastly, remember to be yourself with your kids.

What do I mean? Well, whether we like it all the time or not, kids are learning… all the time. They learn how to live, behave and feel based in large part on the environment they inhabit day to day. Obviously kids shouldn’t witness what goes on behind closed doors, but allowing our kids see us show affection to our partners by kissing them, holding hands and smiling only shows them the kind of affection we hope for them in the future.

I have one more word for this article, and its this – legacy.

We at Trystology are honored to see our community through a unique lens. We have important conversations in our store, and I will tell you that in 2021, people are still taught that masturbation can cause blindness. Why? Your guess is as good as mine, but the first reasons that come to my mind are fear, shame, and guilt. When I look at humanity as a whole, I don’t believe fear, shame and guilt build solid foundations for our future. So let’s help our kids find their way. Let that be our legacy. As the adults of today guiding the ones of tomorrow, let’s give them our best by allowing them to discover the best this world has to offer them.

If we all loved the skin we’re in, wouldn’t the world be a better place?

Way to go, you made it to the end! Family meeting adjourned. For more great information on the art of family sex talks, here are some of our favorite authors and products for your toolbox.

Off the Shelf!

Learning Good Consent, by Cindy Crabb
Curated by Doris editor Cindy Crabb, Learning Good Consent looks at the culture of sexual consent from a standpoint which is both sexy, educational, perfect for the art of family sex talks. During the course of 64 pages, Cindy and friends create a well-rounded consent workshop, with all sights set on healing and helping. In the midst of rape culture, “blurred lines,” and troubled relationships with power and boundaries, Consent has your back. As says Cindy in the zine’s intro, “Talking about our experiences with consent, our struggles, our mistakes and how we’ve learned, these are part of a much larger revolutionary struggle.”
The Body is Not an Apology, by Sonya Renee Taylor
The Body Is Not an Apology offers radical self-love as the balm to heal the wounds inflicted by these violent systems. World-renowned activist and poet Sonya Renee Taylor invites us to reconnect with the radical origins of our minds and bodies and celebrate our collective, enduring strength. As we awaken to our own indoctrinated body shame, we feel inspired to awaken others and to interrupt the systems that perpetuate body shame and oppression against all bodies. When we act from this truth on a global scale, we usher in the transformative opportunity of radical self-love, which is the opportunity for a more just, equitable, and compassionate world–for us all.
In Trans Like Me, CN Lester takes readers on a measured, thoughtful, intelligent yet approachable tour through the most important and high-profile narratives around the trans community, turning them inside out and examining where we really are in terms of progress. From the impact of the media’s wording in covering trans people and issues, to the way parenting gender variant children is portrayed, Lester brings their charged personal narrative to every topic and expertly lays out the work left to be done.

Sex: How to Authentically Play Well with Others!

“Sometimes you have to play a long time in order to play like yourself.” – Miles Davis

So, what is sexual authenticity…

“Wait! Hang on, Trystology… isn’t September National Pleasure Your Mate Month? Aren’t we going to discuss how to give and receive great orgasms?!”

Well, yes.

But as Trystologists, we believe the best part of authenticity’s definition is it’s inherent inference that everyone is, in fact, different, and that’s the way it’s supposed to be. Miles Davis had a point. You may have to play for a long time, but play is the key word here. Play to know yourself, and others, for the real thing.

Sex, and Authentically Playing Well with Others!

Sexually, we all have our own authentic solo inside, and no matter how slow or erratic that vibration expresses itself, somehow it just works when we let go, and we’re not quite sure how. Intimacy is the sensual celebration of this release, together. Like jazz, it’s that one drum line, bass riff, or horn piece uniquely accompanied and better for it, toward an inevitable peak and fall. Freedom without plan or expectation.

Our partners, for better or worse, reflect our ongoing realities back onto us, and conversely, we do the same for them. We aid in guiding each other toward a more pure view and realization of our true selves. The jewel of this human desire for connection exists within the here and now, and choosing to share this present moment, intentionally, with someone we love.

The name ‘Trystology’ comes from the Latin word tryst, meaning a meeting between lovers, so this September, in honor of National Pleasure Your Mate Month, Trystology encourages every reader to give their loved one the best gift of all.

The honest, bare, and authentic you.

Afterall, that’s what we share with those closest to us, whether we like it or not. All of us have a resident crazy person who dwells within… those who love us know our more unique versions well. There’s nothing we can do about that other than to embrace it, flaunt it, and seek to accept all of who we are in order to love all of someone else.

So how will embracing our wild, desiring, hopeful, sweet and sensual side benefit our partnered pleasure, personal orgasm, and who cares anyway?!

How to Play with Others: Trystology’s Authenticity Edition 1.0!

Think of our sexuality as our deepest most creative self, wordless. It is within this sacred expression we are all unique, and sharing this can strengthen bonds of love, compromise, and overall understanding. Healthy vulnerability is good. It’s human, and can lead to more efficient communication over longer durations of time.

Now here’s the thing. No one’s perfect. In terms of sexuality, perfection doesn’t even apply. It has no place in creation. And sure, vulnerability can hurt. That’s why along every road we establish boundaries, not just as a form of protection, but also as a declaration of choice and self-love. By playing with our partners, we learn to give and ask for consent. We learn what we like, and how to communicate our needs.

This is Trystology’s 3-Step Guide to Pleasuring Your Mate, as Yourself!

How to Play with Others: Trystology’s Authenticity Edition! - Self Pleasure

1. Play Well Solo First!

In Trystology’s Authenticity Edition, why would we start with self-pleasure? C’mon, it’s not to be selfish! In order to ask our loved one what they desire, shouldn’t we know how to answer them in return?!

Knowing what we want, and how we like it only empowers ourselves, and our partners! Remember the quote at the start of this article? Play. Beneath our skin, pleasure exists. As we’ve said before, regular orgasms support stronger immune systems, sleep, and overall mental well-being. Without knowing what our bodies like, how can we share that magic with our partners? Maybe spice it up by encouraging them to explore too!

If you’re looking to re-familiarize yourself with your pleasure centers, here are some great tools to pack for the journey:

The Womanizer Duo!

What could be better than a Womanizer? The mind blowing clitoral stimulation of a Womanizer blended with deep G-Spot stimulation thats what! Revel in 12 escalating (independently operated) intensity levels to bring user to explosive, climactic bliss. Using patented Pleasure Air Technology, the clitoral stimulator’s pressure waves gently suck the clitoris to deliver a superb new orgasmic sensation.

Zumio

Unlock new sensations with Zumio i, using elliptical rotation – not vibration – to deliver precise stimulation exactly where you want it! Zumio i’s spoon-shaped tip spreads stimulating energy across a larger area, creating a more diffuse range of clitoral sensation while its elliptical pattern, 8 speeds, and pressure sensitivity put you in complete control of your pleasure.

We Vibe Vector

With rumbling vibrations that target both the prostate and the perineum, Vector leads the way to sensations that go beyond anything experienced before. Designed for comfort with an adjustable head and flexible base, Vector hits all the right spots to lead your beloved prostate owner to their strongest orgasm yet!

Tenga Spinners

Enjoy a unique sensation like none other. An all-new internal coil makes the SPINNER twist as you insert, sending unbelievable sensations with each stroke!

How to Play with Others: Trystology’s Authenticity Edition! - Quality Coupled Play

2. Playing better together.

Set aside uninterrupted time for each other. Commit to it, and plan for it. Now reconnected to what works for you, prepare yourself to listen to what works for them. Whether it’s a night on the town or a sensual evening in, take time to be with the one you love, and connect.

Since everyone’s primary sex organ is the brain, relaxing can increase arousal and the ultimate quality of climax. Wearing sexy lingerie and using stimulating oils, or even massage candles can bolster self-confidence, add ease and set the mood. Here’s a list of our top couples toys and products, perfect for any fantasy. Don’t forget to communicate! If words aren’t available, noises can be guiding all by themselves, but practice conveying your needs while hearing and honoring theirs.

Atom Plus by Hot Octopus

Whether used for solo play or with a partner, the Atom series represents the dawn of a new age for C-rings. Atom Plus combines innovative design with powerful vibration motors to create a C-Ring that delivers deep, rumbly stimulation to all the right places.

Rainbow Crystal Bubble Dildo

Calling all Rainbow People! Finished with a glittery dichroic bulb, this dil will soon become a favorite! The rainbow spectrum-colored gentle curve fits well in the hand, and the bumps make the smooth glass easily gripped. The texture is perfect to achieve an ongoing “first penetration” feeling. The Rainbow Bubble’s curve was made for partnered G-spot or A-Spot stimulation. 

NJoy Fun Wand

Njoy’s most versatile design, the Fun Wand provides a plethora of sensual possibilities. Ideal alone or with a partner, the Fun Wand is great fun for combined oral and G-spot stimulation, or flip the toy (and your partner!) over and use the graduated bulbs to give them the anal treat you know they deserve…

We Vibe Ditto

Explore anal play with We-Vibe’s new slim, flexible, comfortable vibrating plug. Wearable by either a man or a woman, facing forward or back, Ditto can be controlled conveniently by its remote or with the We-Connect app. Playing with other We-Vibe toys? We-Connect can control both from the same device! Rechargeable and fully waterproof!

Oh, and don’t forget the lube!

How to Play with Others: Trystology’s Authenticity Edition! - Authentic Favorites and Further Fantasies

3. Future Fantasies at Play!

Our best advice is keep it going! Talk with one another about what does it for you! Have the courage to be yourself, remember to always respect boundaries, and above all else, don’t forget to play. Play, and watch what develops in your life. If sexuality encompasses a core aspect of our being, learning to be vulnerable while asking for what we want can only resonate outward into the rest of our lives. And yes, it only gets better together!

Sounds good, doesn’t it?

To all our lovebirds out there, we send you our best! Love each other, as yourselves.

And play on.

<3

Looking for more? Please join us Wednesday, September 15th from 6:30pm-8pm via Zoom for our Pleasure Your Mate Class! Spots fill quickly, so reserve your spot now! All beings and questions are welcome, so we hope to see you soon 🙂

One Story Along the Road to Sexual Health

What does sexual health mean to you? Yes, it’s Trystology here, asking our readers to join as we explore the incredibly vast topic of sexual health. Is it ‘safe sex’ defined by condoms or diaphragms? For those who are single, is it regular STI testing? For our honeyed-up crowd, is it loyalty? Regularity? What exactly is sexual health, and how could it be the same for everyone? Better yet, can it be boiled down to one thing for anyone, or is sexual health inherently more spectral?

This week I’ve taken to asking a slew of folks about what sexual health means to them, but every answer led me back to my own question.

I found myself alone asking, what does sexual health mean… to me? And since I probably don’t know you, I’m realizing all I have is my story, my journey, and how my idea of sexual health has changed over the years. My journey will be different than yours. Perhaps you will find parallels, pieces you agree with and things you don’t, and that’s perfect. To me, sexual health involves a regal, confident, and free mindset. One of knowing you are deserving of the pleasure your body has in store for you, and that no one, no thing, no situation, and no trauma has the ability to rob you of that without your explicit permission. What do I mean?

Well, without further ado, this road starts with my first partnered orgasm.

Wish me luck, ‘cuz here we go.

I, like many cisgender females I know, did not have an orgasm the first time I had sex. Nor the second. In fact, it took so long to happen I was convinced I was doing something wrong. Condoms? Check. My young attempt at being sexy? Check. Clean, and smelling good? Check. But I just couldn’t get there. I felt alone, and that feeling further prolonged my orgasm’s arrival. Not only that, I faked it. Not just sometimes, but every time. I recalled some elder female once telling me how important it was for men to feel powerful and successful in bed, and the last thing I wanted was to make anyone feel like as much of a failure as I felt I was.

Then, one magical day, it happened.

Now before you go thinking I was with some Romeo, let me assure you, I was not. It happened almost randomly. After nearly a year of sexual activity, I remember hearing a voice deep within telling me to let go. It fascinated me. I didn’t know what I was letting go of, but I just took a breath and followed the thought toward my first feeling of partnered ecstasy. This was also my first brush with sexual health. Simply put, having the courage to ‘let go.’

As the years and a few partners elapsed, orgasming never came easily to me. Somehow the words of that elder woman stayed, like gum in hair or oil in water. No matter the encounter, I always prioritized my partner, never myself. Sexual health and/or success was only achieved when the person I loved was happily snoozing away. This belief got me into some dangerous situations, as I never learned how to stand in my power. Honestly, I didn’t know it was an option. Yet, even after rape, abusive relationships, assault, lies, and general nonsense, that same voice would appear every so often saying, sometimes screaming, ‘let go, LET GO’ but let go of what, I still couldn’t pinpoint.

It wasn’t until my thirties I started to piece it together.

What was I letting go of? I’ll tell you. I had to release my bad habit of seeing myself as second to the world around me. This realization truly blew my mind. I was, am, and will always be deserving of the pleasure that exists beneath my skin. Outside of it too. Period.

So what changed?

Honestly, my current partner. Every so often life presents us with magnificent teachers. Many of them exist here at Trystology, but mine sauntered into my life four years ago. By the time we met, my mind and body had endured a lot. So had his, yet he had the courage and endurance to stand by my side as I stepped into my sexual power for the first time.

He asked questions about what I liked, and assured me he was willing to support, not shame me. I was so shy at the time, I could barely squeak out, “I don’t know,” but lovingly, he continued to ask. He showed me the door to seeing myself as more. More deserving, less ashamed. More empowered, less small. More me, less of a people pleaser. In return, holding him has never felt like a chore or job. Just the opposite, in fact. It feels like an honor, and somewhere along the way, sexuality became ours, not just his or mine.

Officially, what is sexual health?

I still think it varies. This story is just one of infinite stories, but I do believe the root of sexual health and wellbeing is knowing you deserve the unique pleasure waiting beneath your skin. You don’t have to be pretty or handsome enough, smart enough, wise enough, none of that crap. Simply living makes you enough. And whereas my partner inspired a change, that change was always available to me. Partnered or not. However, I alone had to step through that door to brave what was waiting on the other side. What I found was freedom, movement, and a version of me I’d never met. I was strong, sensual, and confident once I let my chains go. Proudly, I still am.

If you’re looking to boast your sexual health with pride and enjoy the skin you’re in, we gotta say, this set rocks. Monique Morin’s Wild Lace Long Line Bra is cozy, sexy, and unbeatably flattering
Bracli epitomizes class. This luxury lingerie brand adds lavish lust to any bedroom, while sporting real, yes real, pearls. These pearls also make this lingerie set wearable during the deed, and add pleasure to both you and your partner.

So hey you, person I’ve never met…

You deserve your body and everything it has in store for you.

Perhaps you don’t feel this way right now, but you do. You deserve partners who make you feel safe. You deserve a life second to none. You deserve whatever you deem healthy sexuality to be. Period.

In celebration of health, we’ve decided to feature some of the best lingerie Trystology has to offer. We carry beautiful sets by Monique Morin and Bracli, perfect for any occasion to beautifully flaunt exactly who you are.

Since working for Trystology, my wisdom and confidence has only grown, and in writing these blogs, we hope yours has too.

An orgasm a day, Trystology?! Really?! Isn’t that a bit… much?

No. Because you are worth all of you.

Always.

Also, still use protection. It’s important. 😉

Lovability makes great condoms in cute packaging. Embarrassed by visitors finding your stash? Not anymore! Sexual health. In a tin 🙂